In English my name means Guardian. In French it means defender. It is like a helper to all humankind. My name is as strong when it's alone as a god is when in battle. It lies heavily on the hearts of those who have hurt it. It's the feeling of love replaying in the minds of those who find it. It is a never-ending cycle of doubt in the memories of those who know it. 

It was like the voice of an angel when I first heard it, but over time I have come to hate it. Every syllable is like a fragment of glass in my heart killing me from the inside. It was supposed to be a symbol of love, friendship, and safety. But it’s the exact opposite of that. It brings joy to those who’ve heard it, confusion to those who’ve seen it, regret to those who’ve used it, anger to those who want it, and pain to those who love it. 

My name was given to me because the woman who gave birth to me, loved the name. At the time of being born, my name was uncommon, and the woman liked that. If I were born a male, the woman would’ve named me Angel. The woman who brought me into this world gave me my name, without the help of the “man” that helped create me, but that’s a story for a different time. 

My name is a poison to my mind and heart. I know I should love it for it was the only thing given to me after breathing my first breath, but I hate it because I hate what it implies. It implies that I am to be better than the rest;  that I must protect those around me, but more often than not I just end up hurting them. I try to be helpful, but I only seem to do everything wrong. Whether it’s cleaning or getting good grades. My name describes someone the exact opposite of who I am. I have inherited a reversed mirror. 

At school, they call me many different things. My teachers call me Alexis. But my friends call me something else because they know something about me that my teachers don’t know. My best friend calls me Hun. My oldest friends call me Lexi. Most people want to call me Alexa or Lexus, but I hate those nicknames. My brothers’ names are Alexander and Christian. Their nicknames are Xander/Ademola and Kissy/Lanrae. 

If I could change my name I would. I would change my name because my name doesn’t fit me. I would change my name to something like Arricellia, or Luka. Maybe Anhel. Maybe then I’d have a name that reflects how I feel inside and people would know who I am before meeting me. I wish I could change my name, to fit me.