Covid-19 had an effect on everyone’s life in some capacity. And I think it’s still messing with us… whether your business shut down, you lost your job, you started a business, got covid or received a pay cut. Everyone was  affected, even the “elites” of society–yep, even them. Even though everything is back to “normal,” we can still see the long lasting effects of the pandemic in our everyday lives,especially with young people. 

My birthday was about two months ago. I turned 16, but when someone asked for my age I almost said twelve. Even though I am looking for colleges, learning to drive, and applying for jobs it doesn’t feel real; it doesn’t feel possible . Oddly enough I’m not the only one who feels that way. Many many times I’ve been on social media and people have said they feel 16 but they are 19 about to turn 20. It’s not just one of those feelings like they’re “mentally youthful” or “immature.” They generally don’t feel the years have happened. Yes, it was all that “wasted time” with covid. It made us all skip a few steps… 

The pandemic really began around March of 2020. This was when everyone started staying in the house for fear of contracting the disease or because there wasn’t anything open. So, there was nowhere to go. This was in the middle of the second semester, which is when you really start learning for real in junior high. The main problem was that it was only supposed to last for two weeks. They told us two weeks. 

I was in the 7th grade at the time–thank God. I didn't miss an important grade at school. Because to be honest I don’t know anything from that second semester. Most schools had zoom meetings every day in place of physically going to school, but we had massive packets for each class. I didn’t do any of them literally until the night they were all due.I stayed awake for over 24 hours finishing them because they literally did not get graded. Most people just cheated. You could easily look up all the answers  because the teachers pulled those packets together in two days. They took most of it off the internet. There was also a group chat that people would send answers in. Honestly , I think the teachers knew because all of a sudden D-students were getting perfect scores on every assignment. 

It was insane. Time didn’t exist. We didn’t have deadlines, bed times,or schedules. If those three months of school taught me anything it was to lie.  It's really odd to look back at. I feel like everyone was just throwing spaghetti, hoping it would stick to the cabinet, so you could add the sauce. Honestly, none of my spaghetti stuck and my sauce wasn’t flavorful. I wasted a lot of time watching shows I don’t even like anymore, spending time with people I don’t even know anymore. If I had the time now  that I had back then I'd be unstoppable. Actually, I don’t know. I think I'm like this now because I don't have the time, but I'd fall back into it if I did. 

My sleep schedule was actually insane. I shouldn't be alive after that, I would wake up at 6 pm and not go to bed until 2 pm the next day. I was only sleeping like four hours a night. I have always had sleeping problems, but that made it worse. Almost three years later I can really only get 4 or 5 hours sleep a night and most of the time I wake up in the middle of the night. I have tried to fix it many times but I have not been able to get eight consecutive hours of sleep since then.  I have still been able to get R E M sleep and have dreams. All of them are very vivid. 

In  2021 I had a crazy dream that “lasted for years.”  I was like 40 or something. I was married and had a son named Trevor. I really should go to therapy. I lived an entire life and then I woke up a sad freshman in high school with no house on the lake, no son or husband. For like a month I really, really missed my son. It was weird. 

After that I was dead set on making this dream a reality. I started making decisions that I thought would lead me to the dream. I lived like it to some extent. I felt so old; I focused on school and learning to cook, buy houses, finance stuff and make the guy from the dream fall in love with me–who, oddly enough, I did know in real life. I know I’m kinda creepy for this. I even decorated my room similarly to the house. I know this sounds like INSANE but at the time it seemed like a good idea. Now the guy is actually  in college. He’s still doing what he probably did to get to where he was in the dream, in real life. I talked to him about a week ago. He’s doing really well and just had a birthday. 

Before I met him for the second time (we went to elementary school together, I liked him then too), I wanted to be a famous singer. There was literally no other option! But, I was willing to give it all up because I liked him SO much. He hasn’t changed or anything. He hasn’t disappointed me, but I don’t want that anymore. Not even the house (too many bugs). Not the son, I want a daughter now. 

Now it’s 2023 and I went from 40 back to four years old. I feel like I’m aging backwards. I don’t want to leave my house. I don’t want to leave my mom. I could live with her anywhere forever. I miss her even when she’s just downstairs. I don’t want to go to college, at least not on campus, because then my childhood would be completely over. I feel like I wasted so much time on it so I’m taking it back. I've never been afraid of getting old, but I'm afraid of adulthood. I don't want it anymore. What was once my biggest dream has become my biggest nightmare.