The first time I told her my dad was dead she was so worried, I didn’t know how to tell her that he wasn’t always a good person. She didn’t know what he did. 

No one does.

Every time family is brought up with new people I’ve learned to stay quiet, they’ll just pity me. Why wouldn’t they? I mean he’s dead. But they don’t know why I learned to not care.

My friends only ever saw the act that my dad put up. They only ever saw my sister’s annoyance, not her searing rage. How could they know? It’s not like I told them.

I can’t talk about my childhood without remembering the endless abuse. A screaming father and a violent sister. The blood that was drawn when I was too weak to protect myself. Skipping homework to calm their raging fires. The last time I went to look into his eyes I didn't see the fire that burned so bright, that's when I knew I had lost the first person to show me love.

Why do I still miss him? After everything he did, I know what he did and I still miss him. 

Why?

Maybe it's because I still remember playing card games and cooking together. Maybe I will always think that was what I deserved, after all my sister made it clear that it was my fault. Or maybe I still love him because of my mom, her stories about the man she fell in love with, and how she saw him change after the accident but knew that it wasn't his fault. She still blames herself for everything that happened to us but she didn't have a choice, and I didn't know that. 

I may be glad to be free from him but I still miss him now and then. Somehow I know that if I had the chance I'd talk to him, really talk to him, in that hospital bed one more time. I’d ask him some questions without expecting a response. I’d tell him about my day. And I’d tell him that even after everything, I loved him with all my heart.

So maybe they don't need to know why I have moved on with my life, maybe I don't even know. Whatever the reason, I am still his Pumpkin Pie and I forgave him a long time ago. So whenever someone apologizes for his death I smile and tell them, “It’s alright, I’ve learned to move on and make the most of life.”