He was my best friend, and things were different after he died. I felt hollow and my feelings bottled up. One of my teachers at school told me that I should express my feelings not bottle them up. It is hard for me because before I always had feelings but they were told. I told them to him and now he's passed.
So my feelings sit in a dark place and come bursting out at moments when even then slightest thing irritates me. It's hard because my friends don't get it, and it affects them as well as me. They didn't know him and when I talk about him all they can do is sit and imagine. I begin crying when nobody's around and one time I was at school and tears came bursting out of me. Nobody knew what to do. So they sat around me holding me and trying to stop the flow down my cheeks. I still cry even though it has been nearly four months since he died. So I sat there crying and nobody had any idea why. So they comforted me saying it was going to be alright. I then told them "It's not alright, it will never be right again." and continued crying.
I write in a diary but I don't right everything, So I started a notebook so all everyone knows how I feel if they find it. I waer a smile to protect them so they don't see my pain. I smile so they can't see my eyes. Which are sad and close to tears. My family is in hardships and losing him made it worse on me. So when my mom came home and told me that he was dead, I ran to my room sobbing, pillow clutched to my chest so I couldn't hear my heart falling to shreds. I didn't stop crying for long for the next two days and I sent an email to my friends, I think they misunderstood and thought it made me sound suicidal. I wasn't but I could've been. I thought about and realized he wouldn't want that for me. I know he wouldn't.
Oh Jeez, I'm crying now. Not too easy not to cry while writing this isn't it? I would sit in the bath listening to a book on CD or tape and begin crying, or I would start while washing my face. I cryed at these times because nobody could tell. I'd go to school feeling depressed and adgitated and my friends felt that the littlest thing would set me off. And it did. My friends got in an fight about something I can't really relay, and I screamed at them both, and I quote, "Shut the f*** up, both of you or I'll rip your heads off." And I regret it now. My friends aren't really the same to me since.
I wear this mask of beauty and happiness, to hide the face beneath. The face of ugliness and sorrow. I try and protect my other friends as much as possible. I cry at even the simplest of sad songs. I write poems and stories to get away from my crappy reality. I role play to be someone I am not. I daydream and imagine so I don't feel the constant stabbing in my heart. I don't want to be around my mind when it strays. So I act tough and insensitive on the exterior but inside I am fragile and sad, caring, I used to cry all the time for no reason and now I regret those tears.
Because I need them now. A week after he died a family friend died in a freak accident, as if to rub salt in the wounds. I received the news while playing a game of chess with my younger brother, it made me so sad and I cried as a I quickly cornered his king and had him in checkmate. I forgot about my promise to go easy on him, I just wanted to be in my room with a pad of paper and a pencil. I wrote many poems and stories that night barely sleeping. When I was young and I went through my first death, my parents lied to me. He hadn't died how I thought he died for at least five years. So when I found out the truth I became angry and unresponsive.
Now I have spilled my heart and my face is in tears and you now know the secrets of a stranger, so be happy you don't know me.