I can still taste the bitterness of the Bud light as it washed over my taste buds and the feel of it as it sloshed down my throat. It’s New Year’s Eve, I’m looking for some fun, and against all odds, it somehow found me. Michael my 22 year old co worker, guitarist, total hottie, and my crush for 3 years randomly texts me. It was like fate was actually on my side for once. I had no real plans; he was at a party, so he invited my friend Rosie and me.

Rosie had to run home real quick to chance, so while waiting I decided to loosen up a bit before the party. I grabbed a bottle of vodka down from the cabinet and knocked back a few, well more than a few, shots. That definitely did the trick, trust me. When Rosie walked in the door, right off the bat she knew I was a wee bit tipsy. I’m small, petite; I can’t help it if alcohol affects me more.

We showed up at the party, of course fashionably late, to a warm, drunken, welcome from Michael. Right when we walked through the door he generously shoved a beer in each of our faces. I’ve never been the one for beer, it tastes to bitter, but I still downed it in no time. Michael played the most welcoming host and introduced us to the many attendees. There was Davis, Michael’s almost-as-hot-as-him brother, J.T., a kid who said he wasn’t drunk but really was, and some creepy older cowpoke guy.

The house, if you really could call it a house, more like a garage, had 3 rooms that I noticed. The one we walked into contained all the band’s equipment and of course a big container full of ice cold beer. Joy! Then we were ushered into a room full of people lounging around, talking, and of course drinking. The last room was the one that contained a shower and a toilet. It was pretty nasty looking.

The night started out fairly awkward, but soon wore off as we got to know some of the people. For safety, Rosie and I stuck together like a young love struck couple. One dude even asked if we were lesbians. I could see why he thought that. We were practically sitting on top of each other on the couch. Rosie replied “We’re just best friends”.

Sometime during the night someone brought up the topic of smoking weed and asked if anyone wanted to. I was kind of out of my right mind due to the vodka and 2 beers I had, so I took him up on his offer. Before I knew it I was in the back seat of some car with Rosie and with the weird cowboy guy and J.T. in the front. I didn’t want to seem inexperienced or a total loser, so I pretended like I knew what I was doing. I accepted the pipe when offered to me and puffed away. I don’t know what came over. I noticed Rosie wasn’t joining in, but that didn’t seem to faze me.

When we got out of the car I noticed Michael was standing in the doorway of the house watching us. My own guardian angel or he could’ve just been smoking himself. I don’t really remember what he was doing. I just remember seeing him standing there. We left the smoke infested car and joined the party again.

I was actually living for once. Me, little Carter, was at a party with older guys and drinking. Guys were telling me how hot I was and Michael was at my side. I thought nothing could ruin this night. When a new girl showed up at the party and Michael introduced her to me as his girlfriend, things just got worse from there. I finally checked my phone and noticed my parents had been calling me and wanted me home pronto. Rosie and I excused ourselves, saying we had another party to attend to, and stumbled the whole way to the car.

I never did get caught. My parents believed my lies about the smoke smell coming from a restaurant at dinner that night and that I was truly ill that morning and not just sick from a hangover. It freaked me out, drinking, smoking, not being in control. But another secret, darker part of me did. That part wants to drink, wants to smoke, wants to live, and wants to forget. I want to drink, lose myself, maybe even pass out and never wake up.