You, I don’t really think it’s necessary to write a book here. Although I could. I would first like to say that I’m sorry for everything I’ve done to you. I hope I really didn’t break your heart like you did mine, but here, I am apologizing for being a b****. The worst. I’m sorry for everything I wrote in your yearbook. I’m sorry for talking so much shit the first time we broke up. I’m sorry for causing a scene all the time. I’m sorry I don’t have a butt. I’m sorry I’m not tiny and/or blonde. I’m just sorry.

I think it’s fair to mention how much and how madly I was in love with you. You opened my eyes when all I was to the rest was their crazy ex girlfriend. You love me for every inch of my existence. I can never thank you enough for that. I always said to whoever would listen- you may not be the perfect guy, but you’re the most perfect guy in the world for me. You were my everything. My best friend. My lover. My only one.

The world doesn’t need to know what’s going on between us. They all still ask about us. But know that I will always love you. All the fire in my soul is yours. I don’t know if we’ll ever be together again, James. I wish I knew for sure. The only thing my heart is sure of is that every November I’ll think of everything you gave me. All my favorite memories of this year are with you. Horrible, ridiculous, and wonderful.

I wouldn’t feel like this is complete without saying how you ripped my soul into pieces. I can still play that afternoon out pretty perfectly. I was trying to help you do laundry. I just wanted to help. Cause you had been asking me all week and you kept canceling to go play Halo or Pokemon with your friends. I sorted your laundry. Then it went down like it always did. Fight then sex or sex then fight. This time it was the second. I was already mad at you that day because you asked me to the movies, then told me we couldn’t because you were having a guys night. AGAIN. for the 500th time that week. We were playing Geometry Wars and I saw some naked b**** on your phone. Wooooooo. Fight fight fight. Go to Kum n Go. Fight. Drive me home. Fight. Fast forward to my drive way. It’s freezing, we’re in your Cavalier. I’ve got my Uggs on, cause I know you like that preppy look. I’m hugging my knees crying my eyes out, like I have been for the past hour. I was so weak at that point.

“We need to break up. No, I can’t break up with you. I love you too much.”

“So don’t break up with me.”

“But I have to. For me.”

“Just please, James. Don’t leave me.”

…

“Don’t touch me.”

“But I want to hold you.”

“If you’re breaking up with me, don’t touch me.”

I continued to cry. That whole week consisted of us fighting. To me not being on birth control to me making a scene about it to me not being grateful for me being selfish. For you being neglectful. It might have had something to do with that fact that I was on my period that week and us not having sex always makes us fight. I don’t know. I’m not trying to justify anything.

“So are we breaking up or what?”

“Yeah. We’re breaking up.”

I don’t know if you understand how much my heart was broken. I cried for two days straight. Luckily I have amazing friends to put a beer in my hand when I’m heartbroken.

From that day, I was different. I suppressed all feelings beyond, “I want to screw today.” No one knew how I was feeling until Prom. Even then, only Ricky knew. At least he tried to understand. And give me a shot of his Anise Liqueur. But that night I met him.

I said I wouldn’t write a book, but it just came out. But he put the light back in me. and he still does. I don’t know if we’ll last. But I love you still after all this, and I hope you’ll still be waiting for me.