You don’t f***in’ get it!

My feelings came before our friendship but our friendship always mattered more, always was worth more. And when we got close, oh so close, and those amazing months of bliss. It was great. I felt as if I had a chance, our conversations, they were the thing of lovers, of people that were made to be together, soulmates. I would save the conversations and read them to laugh and laugh again. And then she came back. And I realized I never had a chance, that it was a lie. Illusions. So I tried to get away, talk to you less so it would hurt less. Yet I was still being polite and friendly. You never noticed. You didn’t go to me, didn't say a word. You didn’t care you didn’t miss me. Only when you made that your picture and our friend brought me up did you notice. You text me acting like you missed me, saying we haven’t been texting. What the hell? Of course we haven’t been texting, you didn’t respond when I did. And we made plans to talk, stuff that would bring my feelings up. But how was I supposed to talk about my most intimate emotions to you, when you loved me like a sister, a best friend, and nothing more? Never the hint of anything more. And when we didn’t talk, when it didn’t work out, I didn’t push it. I buried the importance of how I felt. It doesn’t matter, it never mattered. Our friendship was the most important thing to me, the thing I worked the most for. You were my everything. From the first moment, oh what a moment. And I was still polite wasn’t I? In the week after? Right, right. Still not talking about anything important, still not going up to you, keeping my distance. I was avoiding you. I don’t want to see you and her. But either way, it was hurting less. Getting over you. Moving on. And then they were gone. I was done. No emotional attachment. No more. Not that way. I realized, that without my feelings, it was just our friendship I was holding on to, which didn't even exist anymore. Do you not get that? You said you didn’t want to lose me, you promised you’d never let me go. But you did, simply by not keeping me. By not trying. And I got upset, I lashed out the only way I thought to. Revenge. Not talking, not caring. You don’t get it. You hate me but only because you don’t know what you did wrong. READ MY SILENCE. Understand it, it means more than I could ever say. You think you’re getting to me, but you also know I can be done with people. You know that if you lose me you lost me forever. And you can’t, you hold on so much, grasping the invisible strings that were already cut. When I miss you, rarely, but at times, yes, I miss our friendship. The moments we were up so late and talking about… life everything. I don’t want you back, because if I come close to you again, I’m scared that they’ll come rushing back. They can’t, not when I don’t have a chance.These feelings are not good for me, when I need to move on, when we won’t be. Ever be. So much potential, but gone. So what now? I want you to get it, to understand. But these are words I will never say, that I never said.