Valentines Day, February 14, is coming up really soon, but I don’t have any intentions of going out and finding someone to be my valentine. All of the other times I got a boyfriend, well, they all fell through, in one way or another, which was pretty sad. So then, I ended up just giving up. Enough’s enough, you know? But sometimes, when I’m sitting alone and friendless here, I remember all of those people who I used to date, and then I remember why I had to leave.
My first boyfriend was Matt, and he was really, really nice. But he was a bit of a pushover, and people really just walked right over him. And he never did anything about it - he’d just sit on the floor and complain. So, well, we broke up.
And then there was Ray, and I liked him. He was so hot, and had such a sunny personality. But he was too motivated - he wouldn’t stop moving forward, while I preferred to stay at an endpoint.
Bob, oh, I remember Bob. I would have stayed with him longer, but he had this - this nervous habit, I guess, of bouncing up and down, up and down, up and down.
And Rob, well, from the very beginning, he stole my heart. Unfortunately, by the time I broke up with him, he had also stolen a good deal of my possessions. So, well, it was a good day for me when I met Jack.
Soon, however, I learned that Jack, although he was certainly strong enough to lift up a car, just didn’t have so much in the brains column and he really was content to do nothing. So I left him, and met Don.
Don and I did not last together very long, because he had this annoying habit of waking up way too early for any civilized human being.
Then came Harry. Enough said.
Art made me feel uncomfortable, because every time he and I went out on a date, everyone around us started staring at him. Also, he spent all of his time hanging around. So I was glad to meet Mike.
Soon, Mike and I parted company, because I got too tired of his booming voice. To soothe my hurt soul, I prayed for another person to be my boyfriend, and I found my prayers answered in Mark.
He was really cool, I will admit, but when it came time to kick him out of my life, I couldn’t ever truly erase him from my mind.
Then I encountered Victor, but that didn’t work so well, because he was too competitive for me. He always wanted to come out on top, which was not the best fit for my personality.
Taylor was my next love, but I am convinced that the only reason he dated me was to get access to my sewing machine to further his line of work, so that didn’t last long.
Oh, Bill, do I miss him. Although he wasn’t really handsome, what with his long, hooked nose, I still thought he was pretty stellar. However, I had to break up with him because his job as a wanna-be government official didn’t pay off, and no one wanted to cover his salary.
Jim was my next love, and he was as handsome as Bill was not. He had muscles like a football player, and was incredibly strong. It was easy to tell that he worked out.
Then came Joey, but he was too shy for overenthusiastic little me, and he was overly attached to his mother. He couldn’t bear to leave her side.
Phil I loved more than I can say. But finally, enough was enough, and I had to end our relationship, for I’d put up with him for long enough, and was sick of his ways. Still, I can remember the days before and the days after I had my Phil.
Skip was an interesting person, never walking when he could do another one of his flawless Dorothy impersonations, and he definitely had a good profession in the nautical line. But I could never trust him because he usually failed to show up when we had important meetings.
Russell was a lot more trustworthy than Skip, but he was just, well, so noisy. He couldn’t do anything without making a slight noise, and seemed most at home when raking the leaves. I was so incredibly glad for him that his job was not to be a spy, because he wasn’t so good at the whole stealth thing.
Nick was my next love, but he was kind of creepy because he was always covered in small cuts and scratches. Honestly, I have never seen a person more injury-prone. Nick also had the habit of borrowing my possessions without remembering to give them back, and he loved to count everything. He wouldn’t count in the regular way, though, unfortunately. For him, numbers had to be tallied by making cuts into the columns of my apartment and chairs. My room has never been the same since.
Drew dreamed of becoming an artist one day, but I told him that if I found one more of his doodles around my home, I would have to end our relationship. Yup, at my place at my kitchen table, I found an image of a tree, colored in with colored pencils. I had enough, and it was over.
Then there was Mason. He was a really steady foundation for me, but I had my occupation, and he had his, and he went off to go help out Habitat for Humanity. He was a chip off of the old block, and I missed him.
Waldo was next, but I had a small problem - I could never find him when I needed him to help me with something. He really blended in, and was assimilated into any crowd, and so I finally gave up.
Luke was never anything special - he was not one thing in particular, just completely average in every way. He never had trouble with the temperature changes in our part of California, which I envied him for - he was never too hot, or too cold, or anything, just average.
With Chase, I always had the feeling I was being followed, which shouldn’t have surprised me. He was one of those police officers that are always finding a runaway suspect’s trail and tracking them down.
Pat always treated me as a child, always there to offer friendly encouragement in anything I tried to accomplish, but I was tired of his congratulatory claps on the back.
I was sure I had finally found my true love in Will, but, to my sincere disappointment, the course of true love never did run smooth, and it was not to be. We were going to get married one day, that was certain. And Will was definitely motivated, but there was just no way that our relationship could go on. He, unfortunately, died before we could become engaged. I was lucky that he left me all of his money and possessions.
So I learned that I have no luck when it comes to people to date, and I learned the cruelest truth that life had to offer - sometimes it lasts to love, but sometimes it hurts instead. And I miss my old boyfriends, but I know that they have made me the type of person I am today - a cynical, sarcastic, spiteful bachelor.
Happy Valentines Day, everyone!