Alex and I were more than siblings. We were best friends. He was the only person I could trust and talk to about any issues I was having. He played dolls with me and we drank juice out of plastic tea cups and talked about everything. I loved him more than anyone else in my life. He was my life. He was the only person in my life that I knew was truly there for me, that he would never hurt me or break my heart. My father was always on the road so my brother became a father figure to me. He played the role of my parents, my brother, and my best friend.

Alex started to change.

He was always out but when he was home he would lock himself in his room. Everytime I tried to talk to him his eyes looked lost. His anger got the best of him. He would throw dishes at my mom and punch me until my eyes were too swollen to see anything. I was scared of him. My brother turned into a monster. A monster that didn’t play with me anymore. He used to wake me up in the middle of the night to sneak in my sister’s room and steal her money to give to him. Mom worked morning until night. Alex was supposed to watch me while my parents were working but he brought people over to the house and they would drink and stick needles in their arms. I never understood how that could be a “good time”.

“Are they sick? Sick people had to get shots.” I said to myself.

My brother wasn’t sick, he was addicted.

My mother always told me I was too young to understand what was going on, but I knew exactly what was going on. In school, I learned that drugs are bad, they can destroy. Teachers told the students to never do drugs because they are dangerous. It was obvious that my brother was on drugs. I was a 10-year-old doing research about different drugs and their symptoms. My brother was on Meth, cocaine, ecstasy, marijuana, and almost any other drug that’s in the book. Those drugs controlled my brother’s thoughts and actions.

It was like my brother was possessed by a demon.

A normal day for me was coming home from school, doing my homework, and watching my brother and his friends shoot up several drugs. By watching my brother do it so many times, I could write instructions for how to do drugs step by step.

To make matters worse my brother found out that his ex-girlfriend was pregnant with his baby. She named him Christian. Alex wanted to give his baby the father that my brother never had. Christian was over all the time since his mother worked two jobs. My brother would host parties at the house and have a line of different drugs on the table. I spent the whole night holding Christian upstairs in my room. I would look into his big blue eyes and rock him to sleep. I was more of a parent than my brother and his ex-girlfriend put together. My brother was too much of a drug addict to be a father. All he cared about was drugs. I wanted my best friend back.

My father and Alex started getting into fights. My father threw my brother down the stairs and Alex hit the heater and his head cracked. My mother was screaming to call 9-1-1, so I did. A week later my brother was driving and got stuck on a railroad track. The train smashed into him. The doctor said he had multiple drugs in his system. When I got to go visit him in the hospital I was sitting beside his bed in tears. I knew that since he was sober at that moment in the hospital, he could understand what I would say. I looked him in the eyes and told him I hated him. He started crying and promised me that he would stop doing drugs and be the big brother he used to be. Even though my family gave up on Alex, I knew that I couldn’t give up on him. I promised myself that I would stick by his side and look out for him. He started playing with me again. You can tell how guilty he felt from letting me paint his nails fluorescent colors. Things were getting better. I was getting my big brother back. I told myself that I would never let him go again.

A couple months later my family attended a funeral of a baby named Jarrod that died of S.I.D.S. The night of the funeral my brother left the house to go out with some friends.The next morning, my father was watching the news drinking his morning coffee. My mother started to cry and I ran downstairs to see what was wrong. Alex was on the news. He was wearing a black sweatshirt with the hood covering his face. The night before he went to a drug party then robbed a man at gunpoint. My brother was sentenced ten years in prison.

At that moment, everything changed for me.

I was the young girl that was always bubbly and positive. I had good grades. Everyone called me a social butterfly. After my brother was sentenced for ten years in prison my attitude towards everything changed. I became depressed and quiet. My grades started to drop from A’s and B’s to D’s and F’s. Students started to bully me. They would call me horrible names and tell me to kill myself.

I felt alone.

I didn’t tell anyone what I was going through. I kept it to myself. I started doing drugs. I smoked weed and took any kind of pills I could find. I would get high and sit on my bathroom floor and cut my skin with razors and knives. I used to think doing that would make all the pain go away. I thought that all my depression would bleed right out of my skin and never come back. Every night was another restless sleep for me.

I had suicidal thoughts everyday.

Weeks went by and I met a girl that soon became my best friend. The moment I knew I had to change my thoughts and actions was when I attended Church with her family. Her family cared for me and her father became the father I never really had before. Everyone there showed me how to have hope and faith again.

All I wanted was internal peace.

I started studying the bible and reading articles about becoming a Christian. It became a routine to sleep over at my friend’s house every Saturday and go to Church with her family on Sunday morning.

Everything was coming together for me slowly.

I was trying so hard to break any bad habit I had. I stopped doing drugs, cutting, and having negative thoughts all of the time. I had to control my thoughts. When my brother was sentenced ten years in prison, it didn’t just affect him, it affected me. I guess I just lost my balance. I think that the worst part of it all wasn't losing him. It was losing me. I don't know if you know what you are, until you lose who you are.

After years of depression and struggle, it was time for me to visit my brother.

I nervously waited in a chair for Alex at the prison. I was never so emotional in my life. I haven’t talked nor saw him for years. I was mad at him. He abandoned me. When he came through the door I lost control of my emotions. That moment I cried from all the pain I dealt with over the years. He hugged me like he was never going to let go.

After three hours of us talking about everything that we both went through over the past years, it was time to go.

Alex will get out of prison in eleven months.

We both learned so much over the past years.

My brother learned that drugs can destroy relationships and take you down the wrong path in life. Alex is now taking classes in prison to learn more about technology.

Alex found God.

I learned to have faith. I learned to be myself instead of what people want me to be. I learned to forgive.

I learned to never give up even when life is pulling you down.

I am so grateful of all the wonderful people in my life. I have supportive friends and caring teachers. I chose to have friends that are uplifting and inspiring so I am motivated. Boxing is a huge part of me. I take out all my frustration in the ring. It’s feels good to take out your pain and frustration in a sport rather than hurting yourself.

In the future, I want to inspire people. I want people to realize that drugs destroy. When I get older I want to be a photographer and a filmmaker. I would like to make documentaries of the hardships that people face in life. My dream is for everyone to have internal peace. My goal is to meet as many people as I can all over the world and help them become the person that they want to be. I want to help people overcome their hardships in life.

I want to be the supportive, caring friend that everyone needs in their life.

I will never forget the hardships that I’ve been through and all the pain that came from them.

It’s like a kaleidoscope of memories.

I will never regret my past because it made me the person I am today.