Bananas are an all-or-nothing fruit; you either love them or hate them. For those in the banana-­appreciating party, it's well known that the proper technique of peeling the fruit is crucial to its enjoyment.

For the past few years, I have been harassed for my method of eating a banana. However, after a lifetime of analysis, consideration, experimentation, and observation, I have concluded that the traditional peeling method is ideal for banana consumption.

Upon breaking a banana from a bunch, the holder notices a wonderfully convenient feature of the fruit. At the top of the banana is its stem, which serves as the ideal peeling device. Can opener is to can as stem is to banana. The fruit enthusiast need only grasp it and pull out and down to effectively peel the fruit.

The very fact that we call the top of the banana “the top of the banana” verifies that the banana should be peeled and subsequently eaten in this manner: top-down. At this point, some of you may be asking, “Is there any other way to peel a banana?” I regret to inform you that there are indeed those who forgo the tried-and-true peeling method in favor of another: bottom-up.

Bottom-up banana eaters first flip the banana over, holding the peeling device in their non-dominant hands, and then proceed to tear off the bottom of the fruit. However, upon peeling the fruit from the bottom, they encounter every banana-lover's enemy – the grizzle, otherwise know as banana crap.

When peeled correctly, one need only lay eyes on the banana crap for a moment after the banana has been consumed. The top-down eater can promptly discard the peel and its offensive tail end in one motion.

If, however, the banana is peeled from the bottom, the first thing the eater encounters is the detestable grizzle. And throughout the entire banana experience, one must stare at the grizzle. Why would one eat a banana in this fashion? The typical bottom-up banana peeler likely would respond, “That's how monkeys peel a banana.”

Yes, monkeys do peel bananas from the bottom. They also eat bugs from each other's fur. They are also monkeys.

How do you peel?