One thing about me and my personality is that I like to be happy, and I like for the people around me to be happy. Sometimes to the extent where I end up sacrificing my own happiness for someone else’s. Even if it means giving up something that I really wanted. Or in this case, someone I really wanted.

When I really think about it, I don’t think I ever had a chance with him. This was made clear to me one morning last September. She was going through this period where she thought that people didn’t like her. Looking back, I shouldn’t have said anything to him. She didn’t want me to anyway. But I wanted her to be happy, so told him. Within seconds he came up the stairs looking for her. I watched them sitting there hunched close together; him saying how great she was, her saying how she wasn’t. He and I never had a conversation like that.

Feeling like I was intruding, I walked away from them, and as I did I felt something shift in the air. That was the day that I should have given up on him, but I ignored the omen I was sent. If I had just given up then, it would have saved me a lot of worry and heartbreak. And humiliation.

I told her how I felt about him and she was happy. She had campaigned so hard for me to date him, even though I could tell that he was interested in her. She convinced me to tell him how I felt, and I managed to convince myself that I was just letting him know what his options were. He said that I was just a good friend. I’ll admit it sucked and I took it pretty hard, but something kept telling me not to give up. So, I continued to embarrass myself in the vain attempt to win his affection. I was trying to be the girl he wanted, while almost losing myself in the process. I hate myself for that.

Then, all at once, everything changed. It’s amazing how quickly things can click for you in just a matter of seconds. On Valentines’ Day of all days, the three of us were standing around with the rest of our friends and he takes out a pink bag…and gives it to her. I acted oblivious to what was going on with them and tried to focus on what my other friends were doing. They walked off together and right in that moment I felt another shift in the air. For the rest of the day, everywhere I went I saw red. Couples hanging all over each other; all smiling and laughing and completely loved up. It was like they were mocking me. I hated it. I didn’t want to see it. I had to get away from it. Then I saw them, together, and something inside me just broke. All the embarrassment, confusion, and frustration I had kept pent up within the past couple of months wanted so badly to spill out in the form of a scream, but I couldn’t let it. I didn’t want to break in front of them. I refused to let myself break in front of them.

Since then I’ve tried to paint a smile on my face. I’ve even learned to adapt to the role as the supportive friend. Admittedly, the first few weeks were bad; being around them when they were together was somewhat torturous. Being around him when she wasn’t there was worse. It’s gotten easier seeing him as her boyfriend. It doesn’t hurt as much. It’s only when we’re out doing something and they’re together when it hurts the most. But I don’t let it show. If I do, she’ll know what’s wrong and feel bad which means she isn’t having fun; which means I can’t even attempt to have fun because I’m the reason she feels bad. I probably sound like the miserable, single friend, but under the happy-go-lucky act I guess that’s what I am.

Even if something were to go wrong with them (which I hope doesn’t happen because I’m learning to be happy for them) I could never be with him. My two year crush would never out do his four year crush on her. She would always be the one he wanted and I would be a consolation prize. “If I can’t have her, at least I have you.” I’m not a goody bag.

I do sometimes wonder “what if”, but I don’t let myself get lost in those thoughts. The fantasy would just bring back the feelings that I’ve tried so hard to suppress. She’s still one of my best friends and he’s also a good friend; thankfully I’ve learned how to be content with just being his friend.