FEAR! Fear is what limits me and scares me more than death its self. The true fear, the pure kind that hunts you in the depths of your soul and will all ways be with you in some way. The day I found this fear was the day I thought my world would be turned upside down and never be the same again. What I did not know is that this fear lives in us all and we all find it at some point in are life’s, I just never thought my turn to find it would be so soon. After all I have lived with it my whole life. Since I was one year old it was with me and when I was at the end of my third grade year the doctors told me that they had found a pituitary gland tumor.

I was SO relieved and happy to know what has caused so many problems in my life. The joy that over took me that day was excitedly great. But the beast was awaken that day and would make its self-known soon. As more doctor appointments came up and more ideas and thought came about so did the fear. They all decided that I would need to have brain surgery and as soon as possible. I had complete trust in my neurosurgeon; he is one of the best. But that did not matter to the fear that was with in me.

It was growing and growing. I remember the feeling starting in my gut then it slowly over took my body, the dread of having my brain cut open and my blood spilled was ever increasing. I listened to the doctors: “there are two ways in to the brain”, “if we mess up then she could be blind or her brain permanently damaged”. The pituitary gland is no bigger then a pea and they did not know if the tumor was even the cause of anything I have.

It was one day at dinner. It was dark out and my mom, dad and me where talking about everything and they were answering my questions about what could happen. The more I thought about what could happen to me and what was happening, the more I came to realize what true fear was. I have felt fear before, I’m sure everyone has. But this fear was different the more question and thought I had the worst it got, it was not sudden it was not like someone scared you or u saw a snake, no it was like a wildfire. The more I thought about it the more I fed, the growing beast that was now living inside me. It was that dark night where I broke down, the beast was in me and I wanted it gone. The feeling of and life and love, where slowly slipping away to the fear of death. Fear comes in many form, mine came in the form of wet sobs of an eight year old girl. My parents try and comfort me and tell me everything will be ok that I won’t die that I will look and feel the same afterwards. But I knew they were scared and worried and worst of all, the beast had gotten them too! I could see it in there face that night as they answered my questions.

A couple weeks after finding out about the surgery I go in for my pre. op., I see a doctor that I have not seen since I was five years old, her name was doctor Hathout(ha-tout). That day was the day of the surgery the DAY I could not sit still, the DAYI thought I could die. The DAY she said it was to dangerous and not worth going in to surgery yet, and to wait and run more test and find out more and try to control what was going on with me. All of a sudden it was gone, the beast was slain, and its fire could not burn my soul any more. I was not going to have surgery! I could feel the life; love and joy come into me and fill me to the max. Even though I was so incredibly happy and thinking I would never feel that way ever again I was wrong. I felt that fear one more time in my life as strong as before and every time I think of the surgery I feel it in me. That pure fear that is now imbedded in my soul and will all ways hunt me.