Into the week and i was still jet lag. Tired from the flight from the east coast all the way back to California. Oh how i had missed the sun! That and ice cream..mmmhhh ice cream, I could do with some of that, especially the mint chocolate chip with...The phone rang in my purse. Caller ID:Jacob. A.K.A Best Friend Forever! Of course i had to pick up! So putting on my best Jamaican accent, i answered the phone.


“JAMBO MAN!” I bellowed “HOG PINCEY SEY MOMMA MOMMA HO YUH MOUTH SO LONG, MOMMA SEY AND BY YUH WI SI!”
There was silence on the other end of the line, broken by a female voice.
“Rabecca honey?It’s me.”


I bushed light brown, his mom had answered the phone! His mom for God’s sake! Genuinely embarrassed, I stuttered a polite hello and asked her how her day was.
“Honey that’s what i was calling about.” She said.
Her voice cracked and i hesitated.


Obviously at this point i knew something was wrong; what with her using HIS phone to contact me and all- the signs were there. But i wasn't wasn't exactly sure if i wanted to hear what she had to say.


As i’d know myself from past experiences, being confided in in matters of deep emotion, was not something I took too well too. Not because i would go and blurt it out, Oh No! I was raised much better than that! But to be honest, i just didn't know how to deal with that. For me, emotions were not just feelings with which people had a common affiliation. It was rather an embodiment of something greater than facial expressions and change of attitude. A spirit within ourselves that arose when moments presented themselves as such. I could not and would not allow myself to express them, for i feared they were much too powerful to contain and to do so would require control and restraint that I could not muster, thus finding myself often consumed in it.
Yet I listened.
“Honey” she said “Grandma Banes passed away.”
My throat was all of a sudden dry.
“What?When did this happen”
“9:00 in the morning.Died in her sleep...thankfully.”
“Jesus Christ!” I cursed. At least it wasn't painful, she was in a better place now.
Then a thought, like lightning,flashed across my mind
“Oh Lord!” I gasped “Can i speak to Jake?Does he know?”
She was quiet.
“No way! you did not...you can’t...don’t tell me…. you didn't”
“I didn't want him to worry” she mewled “ what with everything that’s been going on, i just couldn't find a way to break that to him without tearing down every basis of his foundation”.
I was outraged.
“But you realize he’s going to have to know at some point, right?” I asked
She hesitated.
“That’s why i was wondering, since you guys are best friends…” My heart skipped a beat. “...then maybe you could tell him.
“Oh no, i couldn't do that Ms. A”
“Why not?! he’ll most likely take it better if he heard it from you.”
I felt like my insides were being squished inside.
“I’m sorry I love you, but I don’t really think this is something I should tell him, to hear it from me...i don’t know what i’ll say, he’ll probably be really upset about it.”
“Sweety..”
I was on the verge of tears.I knew that even if it wasn't what I was planning one way or the other I’d end up hurting him.
“I’m sorry I but I can’t do that.Period.”
“Rabecca..”
“I can’t!” Now i was really crying. Crap!
Her voice was weak, worn out, like silver bullets of 1992. I felt bad, that and something else.
“I guess it was too much to ask from you.” She whispered. The phone beeped off.


I stayed where i was, as the setting sun cut it’s way across the horizon, and colors changed from a pale white to a fallen molten- maroon.In those hours of dread, as time pronounced itself to the sullen shadows, i died. Seven years reversed and but three more ahead. Through the brink of time, underlying hidden actions, my motives were just an apparel. It was somewhere in that moment that i experienced a small form of what I now consider enlightenment.


He was my friend, since forever. We’d known each other since the moment my little six year old self landed a foot in the American soil. He had been there for me, through thick and thin, and I had been there for him too. Right now, when he possibly needed me the most,was when i held myself back? What was I then? Could I possibly call myself a friend, let alone a companion? The answer was plain and clear: NO.


What was I really scared of anyways? The fact i wouldn't be able to console him or that i wouldn't be able to BE consoled?


So I made a decision, and one that I’m proud of to this day.I took a chance. I said “ F*** it!” If helping heal someone meant losing pieces of myself, the so be it. It meant that even though there were still wounds in me that still needed to be healed, and in the process of bending back to heal another’s cuts, I stretched my own,I would so it. It was then that I realized that this battle i had been waging within myself- this “change” of heart, was nothing but a confirmation. This was what i would initially have done. It’s what my spirit was born doing naturally. It was me. It just took a little time to realize that. And a little phone call.