Shying away from others presence. Blushing overwhelmingly enough that my face needed covering. I had no confidence what so ever. Then finally out of my shell I seemed to fly during three weekends I spent with new people, an experience so amazing. I was becoming a brand new person all on my own.

About two months ago if you asked me to participate in class I would become red as a fire engine and down my head would go. Depending on how many laughs or snickers I heard I could be in tears within seconds. I hated to talk in front of my peers. They all terrified me. I was bullied because I was so shy and with being shy my confidence was absolutely zero. Talking in front of them could give more chances to ridicule me. I could not and would not allow that. Hiding my face with my hands or putting my head down although getting snickered at occasionally was the best option. People just didn’t see that there was so much more to me as a person. I was an extraordinary person just hiding behind a mask. I had hidden passions that would so be shown, hidden powers soon to be brought to life that I didn’t even know I had inside me. I have learned a lot in my few years on earth. The most important thing I have learned is that I have to show some type of confidence. But confidence for me was just not there. I shake, stutter, and sometimes can’t even talk to tell a teacher my own name. That is how little confidence and how shy I am over all. This kind of school with these kinds of peers was going to be different.

I knew what I was getting into when I put my application in at the firehouse. I knew the rigorous training I would be going through. I knew that being shy was not an option. Things were going to have to change. When I was first started going around the firehouse I shied away from anyone but my best friend. Occasionally getting the nerve to talk to my chief, assistant chief, and other staff personnel. Everyone started to think I was being standoffish; I didn’t want that to continue. I was just shy, too shy. Then finally the time for my training to truly commence. In October I went off to fire school for three weekends to attend basic. I was going to be surrounded by people with the same passion as me. People that shared my love of fire fighting. I just had to learn how to be confident and trust these people. I didn’t just have to trust them to help me; I had to trust them with my back, my six, pretty much just my life. How does a young woman like myself learn to trust about thirty-five males? Truth is she doesn’t, she fakes it. Through out the two “drill” weekends I became friends with a few people from my group. We went through hoses the ladders the first of two weekends. Then my favorite weekend, tools on Saturday learning about roof saws, regular saws, tying knots, using dry wall picks, and chocking sprinklers. Then the last day of basic finally came, the day that terrified me the most, the smoke house.


I had already endured the most physically challenging training for the small and weak, the ladder day. I adapted and overcame that challenge with strength, and confidence I had found in my heart that day. After that I knew I could do anything, so when the smoke house day came I took it on with the same exact pride I did the ladders. I wasn’t letting anything get in my way of this. I felt something inside that I knew would impress people. The only thing scaring me this time was the fact that my chief would be watching not only my group very closely, but me personally. I am the only girl junior fire fighter at my station. That’s a big thing. I knew I finally had a chance to prove myself, and that’s exactly what I planned to do. Even though I am a lady I planned to show up every man there. With a growing confidence anything was possible and bound to happen. We took our break at noon that Sunday. I had time to eat, talk with my friends, think about things, and start to get nervous. What if I screwed this up? What would my chief think of me? I would be humiliated if I messed this up. We had three times to get this right. In our line I was going to be leading last. I was with three other members from my station. On run thru one it took ten minutes, but only five minutes of my air. That was easy I thought to myself. Run two took about nine minutes and about five minutes of my air, again, an easy crawl. Finally my time came. Crawling through at a speed so fast my group almost couldn’t keep up. I was flying, high on my new found confidence. Feeling my way around with the back of my left hand. Left turns, right turns, up, downs, pauses to get bearings. It was all like a pitch-black corn maze. Hearing my team yelling for me to slow down. Someone’s falling behind, the instructors can hear that. My thoughts race, they aren’t going to like me. My heart races faster giving my head a little buzz. My body jolts. I need to move. I scream for a sound off knowing if I had everyone was key. I hear the number four yelled, then I know I can proceed. This was a team building activity that’s why everyone in group one from my company was together. This was easy. I see light at the end of the hall. Were done. It felt like a million years had gone by. I shout for a sound off yelling one directly after, hearing two, three, and four after. I yell were at the door. I lift my hand for the doorknob. I twist and push with a force so great, the light hits me. I crawl to the raining on the roof, needing it to pull myself to my feet. Exhaustion finally hitting me like a rolled five-inch hose, heavy and overbearing. I look at my chief; he shakes my hand and says congratulations you made it. I look at my air gauge, three minutes of air. Did that really only take three minutes?

I know I talk about this kind of topic a lot, but it is my passion that, unless you are a firefighter, as well you would never understand. It was just a small building. Ply wood walls painted deep black, hay burning to make smoke. Just a small smokehouse with men and woman crawling through just like a corn maze. But for me it was more. It was a confidence builder, a trust exercise. It changed my life.