I’m not perfect.
I’m not a s***.
But I’m not frigid either. Just because I’m a virgin and don’t make out at every party I go to, does not make me frigid.
I’m not one of “those” girls.

I am not sure what I am. Not yet. But I know what I am not. And that scares me. But that really doesnt have any meaning, I mean I’m scared of a lot of things. Just as I assume a lot of people are, but right now it is not my job to worry about other people, because everyone is a little f*cked right now. It’s highschool. For once I’m going to worry about myself.
I’m starting to truly believe that I’m pretty messed up. I have no idea if its my parents fault, or maybe its the chemicals in my brain screwing me over, or maybe it has something to do with all the assholes at school who I’m forced to be around. For all I know it could be a mix of all three. I could be a giant screwed up cocktail that is definitely going to leave a heavy hangover for all I know. But I won’t ask for help.
My friends think my life is perfect.
My parents think my life is perfect.
Those assholes from school think my life is perfect.
Surprise b****es. Its not.
Need an example of why my life isn’t always the fairytale everyone makes it out to be?
Grades. Parents say above an 80 is really good, but expect 90. Always have. I mean when they do say a lower mark is okay, its really not I mean, after all these years of being told that anything below 85 is disappointing, how do you expect me to suddenly start thinking differently. I’ve been trained into this obedient little school girl, who isn’t even happy with a 90 anymore. It’s like a virus, I tell myself its okay to get a lower mark, you are above average, but I always feel like s*** when I do. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to change that, they always say you can’t teach an old dog new tricks.
But I can’t blame my parents for everything. The assholes from school have a lot to do with it too.
“Woah, she got one wrong!”
“What happened?”
“Are your parents mad?”
“Did you even try?”
Yes. I made a mistake on an exam.
I do not know everything.
Why? You got a sixty are your parents mad?
Of course I tried. I actually tried damn hard.

“But school is easy for you.”

Screw you. I earned my grades through hard work. I may not have to work as hard as everyone else on the planet but guess what. I . Still . Had . To . Work . I study and stress and work just like any other student. So when I get a good mark, I will celebrate and be proud. If an asshole can be proud of their 76, I can be proud of my 95. Do not tell me to be quiet, to stop bragging - I earned the damn bragging rights.

These assholes really screwed me up. I mean I get one wrong on an exam, and I feel ashamed and embarrassed. As if I should care what anyone thinks. But guess what, I do. Because now that is all I am. I am the smart one. And if Im not, I am nothing, and I will never be part of anything. My intelligence is basically my only asset since everyone see’s me as the innocent little sister type. I mean, I’m not a s***, I try not to be fake, and I really try not to be a b****. And thats all anyone cares about anymore. Who needs substance when you have beauty? Who needs grace when you have a nice body? Who needs to be funny when you have a high tolerance for alcohol? So yeah, I need to continue being who everyone wants me to be, or I’ll never be accepted properly, and I’ll feel really alone. No one likes being alone.

That is why assholes piss me off. Because you want to be friends with them, but you hate almost everything about them. I mean even the nice ones are really jerks. I mean thank you for talking to me and making me feel like you cared, up until you realize that you got what you wanted. Thank you for being the next to abandon me.

I mean theres a reason I don’t talk about my s*** with people. Because people judge, and hate, and turn your pains into cruel jokes for cheap laughes. You share personal information with someone, hoping to help yourself, and they promise to be there for you, but people always turn into assholes and tell people, or turn it into a joke like its no big deal.
So that’s why I just dont tell people s***, and thats why I’m so screwed up and cry myself to sleep. Its unhealthy to keep things bottled up, but I hear that being bullied and made fun of can really put a damper on life. And by damper, I mean it creates hell. Hells no fun, so lie and say your fine when someone asks whats wrong. Even though no one ever asks.
They’ll say s*** like, “You look sad.” But they will always avoid asking whats wrong. Unless you are one of “those” girls.
Short in short. Dont trust people, everyone is a b**** deep down inside.

Time to tackled a third topic. Why do people think I’m frigid. Is it because I haven’t had a boyfriend yet? Because I’m a virgin? Or is it because I never truly like anyone, at least not romantically? Ding, ding, ding. We have a winner.
See I really thought this through and I realized why I don’t crush on people. Because for everyone I’ve ever almost liked, I fear four things:

I fear they are truly an asshole.
I fear they will think Im over emotional and I don’t actually have problems.
I fear they will think they are better than me and judge me, a lot.
I fear abandonment.

Thats it. The most cliche fears ever but thats the way it is. Until I truly analized myself I hadn’t even realized any of this.
I think its fair to be afraid, seeing as how just about every single person judges others, and the more I do it, the more I fear judgement falling on me.

How can you trust anyone or anything when you live in fear of so much?



“Entry finished at 12:47 AM - January 18th, 2014”