“People observe the colors of a day only at its beginnings and ends, but to me it’s quite clear that a day merges through a multitude of shades and intonations, with each passing moment. A single hour can consist of thousands of different colors. Waxy yellows, cloud-spat blues. Murky darkness. ”-The Book Thief.

When I asked you what it meant to you, you said that people only notice the major changes and never focus on the small ones that happen along the road.

It strikes me that all along, I have been bitter over two events in my life: you coming in and getting out of my world. Little did I know that between those two life-changing events, a lot more has happened. Now that I look back, I see myself growing during those 3 months more than I have ever done during my life time.

Now that I am over it, I can be nothing but grateful for what has been. I owe to you a lot more than I thought.

I remember the first day I came out to you, February the 6th, 2013. And I remember the relief I felt. Not because I confessed to you, not because I thought that I found someone to flirt with, no. Just because I knew that I was not alone. Once you are different from everybody else, you will be dying just to see yourself in someone. And sharing the same sexual orientation with you made me feel that I was no longer a freak or a psycho. It made me realize I was just an ordinary teenager. I stopped wondering what people would think of me if they knew when I enter a room. And I started to be more comfortable in my skin. Something I was longing to.

I loved that when I was around you, nothing seemed to matter. Like there in nothing in this world worth being worried about. I loved how careless you seemed to be. Even though, now I know that it is not you.

You then taught me how to love. Even though I sometimes wonder if I have loved you right. All I know is all my selfishness and all the desire of having you were put aside and only one thing mattered: you being happy.

And I hated how dependent I was on you. I would smile only if you have been smiling. I would be upset when you were gone.

I have always liked to think that maybe if I proved to you that I wouldn’t leave, that I will always be there, that you might change and let people in, not me in particularly, just anyone so you wouldn’t be so alone. Now I know I was foolish. No one can be anyone’s reason to change. If someone wants to change they will do it for themselves, not because someone made them do so. I guess the point I have learnt is people change only when they find the will to do so.

I think it would be fair to say that we learn from the ones we hate the most. I loved you the most. And I hated you even more. And I wonder how that could be. How can we be completely overwhelmed with two different feelings? I guess the right answer would be that humans are schizophrenic.

A year has gone by, during which I have felt love, hate, lust, and truth, I have lost my faith and blamed god for my mistakes and I have lost the person I love and swapped it for a friend. I guess that’s pretty much the sum-up of my journey since I have fallen for you. All that has to be said was said and done. All I want to say is I love how the things turned out to be. And I love having you as a friend and I love not loving you. But mostly, I want to say: Thank you.