Headlights, rings, and the truth. Period.

I love him. Period. It's simple and plain and needs no further explanation. But he makes me despise who I am. I wrap the ring around, and around my finger unable to stop when we're together. Because he becomes angry, at the bat of a butterfly's wing. And in those dark times he can't see the beauty that the butterfly holds, the true wonder that this little creature is, a living piece of artwork for all to see. It floats across the sky, a testament to the good in the world but instead of looking at the beauty with me he captures it and rips off it's wings. And with every tare I wrap the ring around and around my finger. Spinning the ring, I don't say anything about the horror that has just occurred before my eyes. Instead I just look down at my feet, spinning my ring around and around. Cause he's so ready to leave. And I fall to his feet grabbing at his legs begging him not to go. No longer am I a tiger in the forest but now a deer in the headlights. Stunned and scared. But headlights are only supposed to last a second, then your fate is decided. You gallop away to live another day or you become part of the dark starry night sky. And with every part of me I wish was in the headlights, that fate would make up it's f***ing mind one way or the god damn other. But fate never decides in my case and I am forced to live in a perpetual state of headlights. I am forced to look into them every second. So I wrap the ring around and around my finger because fear has become part of who I am. No decision is ever made instead I just stare and stare into the relentless headlights. So often tears fill my eyes and run down my cheeks. Some days I feel as if I might just drown in the salty waters of those tears. And some days I wish I would f***ing drown, because drowning would at least mean I no longer would have to be blinded by the glare of those god cursed lights. But no, not yet have I been so lucky. And it messes with you. Being in that spot light for so long. Is it you? Maybe you deserve to be in the headlights? Or maybe you're lucky to be in the headlights? Perhaps you're nothing without those headlights? How can that be a question, it must be true, you're nothing, I should be yelling to the sun that I'm lucky enough to be in the headlights! Yes, lucky of course, I must be? lucky? God, I wish I wasn't so lucky but still I wrap the ring around and around my finger. Anxiety they call it, or OCD perhaps, but I have to spin it. My ring? I have to spin it, I can't stop around and around my finger it goes. But he doesn't notice. Every one notices but he doesn't! How could he not notice? Spin, spin, spin if only he knew. Knew how many days I've been absolutely in love with him. Knew the amount of times I think about our future together. Knew that he never leaves my mind, not for a second. Knew how many times I look at my phone to see if he has texted me, only to put my phone back into my pocket disappointed. Knew how many times I've cried over things he said. Knew how he can make me feel completely worthless. Knew that I feel like I have to be perfect because in the back of my mind I know that he will honestly just leave me one day. But no he doesn't know any of these things! He doesn't know them because he doesn't even know that I play with my jewelry when I'm anxious. NO! No! That's not true either, that is what I wish was true. Because the heart-breaking-can't-say-aloud-because-I-know-it's-true reality is that he knows and he just. Doesn't. Care. Period.