Why do all shower handles insist on being different? Not only do they trick you with their “H” and “C” labels, but they never indicate how hot the water will get at any particular point on the knob - anything from a lukewarm stream to a skin-charring rain of lava that’s too hot to handle – and it matters whether you turn it .7364 centimeters or 7. I don’t know a single person who hasn’t had a problem figuring out how to use an unfamiliar shower at a friend’s house or hotel.

I have experienced this problem ever since I transitioned from bathing to showering. After my parents taught me to use their shower, I ventured into my bathroom to try out mine. At the age of five, it was exciting to use my very own shower. I stripped down to my birthday suit, as young children love to do, and I turned the handle as far to the left as it would go, following the red line – just like in Mommy’s shower. I stuck my finger in the water to check if it was warm yet. I sighed with dismay when I realized it was still too cold to get in. I repeated this process another four times before my mom came upstairs to figure out why the water had been running for so long. She chuckled at the sight of her daughter, standing naked, confused, frustrated, with one hand extended into the shower stream.

Had I been aware that my shower would be different, I might not have been so embarrassed when my mom laughed at me for not knowing how to make my shower work. But whether or not I knew my shower would be different, I would still have faced the problem of “How in the heck am I supposed to work this thing?” Even now that I fully expect every shower to be different, I still never know how to turn the things on. I follow the same ritual every time: I get naked, and the shower gets turned on. I assume the hot and cold “directions” are accurate. I wait. I poke my hand in there a few times. I pick at my split ends. I notice my nail buds. Should I go get those fixed? I haven’t gotten a manicure in a while. I’ll ask Anna if she wants to go next weekend. I look at my toes. I should probably get those done too. Wait. Is there still paint on them? And… snowflakes?! God, Kaity, you really need to do your toes more often. I fiddle with the towel, trying to fold it into a swan. I contemplate whether I should shave my legs. No, I’ll just wear jeans today. I test the acoustics with my best Adele song. I should totally try out for American Idol next season. Why does my nose feel numb? I touch the tip of my nose. Oh Jesus, that’s cold. How long have I been in here? I check my phone. It’s been ten minutes already? I test the water again. WHY IS IT STILL COLD?!

What I don’t understand is this: if the shower makers of the world can’t at least agree on one way of making the handles work, can’t they all, at the very least, ensure that the blue and red lines or the ‘H’ and ‘C’ match the temperature it’s SUPPOSED to be at? I swear by it, the corporate heads of all these companies get together and mock us little people by devising plots to make our lives harder every time we use a new shower. Aqualisa sips on his brandy, chuckling at Grohe’s suggestion that they install a secret mechanism inside the handles that randomizes the temperature every time the water gets turned on.

American Standard shouts, “Brilliant! We’ll make them all feel like bumbling idiots!”

“Fantastic,” exclaims Aqualisa, “and we can put the ‘H’ next to the blue line and the ‘C’ next to the red one!”

And they all roar with laughter at our exasperation.

Worst of all is when you don’t have the time to test the water before jumping in, expecting the temperature labels to be correct. I hate getting my nice, dry towel wet and cold when I have to get out of a freezing shower to find a homeowner or hotel employee who can tell me how to use their damn shower. But why should any of us have to do this? Why can’t the handles be labeled so that you, the annoyed shower user, don’t end up a soaked, shivering rat asking for an owner’s manual?

If shower manufacturers refuse to use all the same handle design, they should at least require their products be installed correctly, with the labels clearly indicating how the shower handles regulate the temperature. We should only patronize companies whose designs won’t deceive your guests who just want to take a hot shower already! Other companies’ money will disappear like water down the drain. They’ll eventually figure out that the little people have risen up against the oppression of corporate heads mocking us from afar. They will be forced to produce shower handles that make sense.

With just a little manpower, willpower, and shower power, the stupid feeling we all get when we can’t figure out how to use someone else’s shower could be gone. I will never allow a shower to be installed in my home unless the “H” and the “C” and the red and blue lines indicate the way it actually works.