I’m at my father’s because it’s his weekend to have me. “Knock, knock.” I run and hide, because I know they are at the door to ask me questions yet again. My father goes to the door, and comes back with a lady in a light blue uniform, she’s wearing a belt that has her handcuffs, her gun, and some other objects that she brings along with her. The woman sits down at the table, and my father yells my name as he comes to find me. When he sees me hiding in the corner of my bedroom behind the door, he tells me that she needs me to answer some questions, but I needed to hurry because she didn’t have all day.

As I walk out, my heart jumps to my throat, I take my seat at the table as the tears start streaming down my face. The lady in blue begins to ask me questions, things like “How are things going at home with your mom?” “Do you feel safe at home?” “Is it true that such and such is happening?” As an 8 year old little girl with tears streaming down her face, not knowing any better because I had been told so many different things, I answer her questions with what i knew this set of parents had told me to say and what i knew they wanted to hear. After writing down all the information that she thought she needed the lady in blue left. Being as young as I am, I don’t realize what they had just done, until later that day when I’m  told that I’m not allowed to go back home to my mother.

I’m so confused, and not sure why this is all happening. I can’t seem to think of why life would throw so many hurtful things at someone so young. A few weeks have passed, and I still can’t see my mom. I’m attending a new school, living with my dad, now and just trying to figure out why life throws so much at someone so young. I get up and go to school, when nine o’clock rolls around, I hear my name being called for dismissal. I slowly walk down the hall and out through the doors not knowing what to expect. I walk over, open the door, and get in the car. Dad looks down at me and says, “we need you to answer the same questions again, only in front of a judge this time.” I start crying, feeling so many different emotions that I just didn’t know what to do. He looks over again and says, “it will  be just you and him, no one else will hear.” We get to the courthouse, I slowly walk through the door with tear filled eyes. There’s a woman wearing a red peacoat waiting for me inside. She introduces herself to me and tells me that she’s my case worker for the day. We start walking and she shows me the different rooms and describes what they’re for.

We go into a room and there’s a man with a black drape like thing on I look up at her, and she nods her head telling me, yes this is the one. Robin gives me a hug and says she’ll be waiting outside the door. The strange man sitting behind the desk begins by asking me my name. I answer, “my name is Alyssa.” as my eyes swell with tears. He then proceeded to tell me that he was the judge, and that he was going to be asking me some questions, and from there things would be handled. Feeling uneasy and not so sure about what was going to happen I started to cry. As he asked me the questions, I again answered them the same as I had before, and then proceeded to ask him, “When can I see my mom again?” He couldn’t answer that. My heart was hurting way to much, so I just didn’t push things any further. I didn’t understand why this was happening and why everyone had so much hatred for each other. Now on top of it all, I had someone that was trying to replace my mother in my life, and she wasn’t doing too great at it either.

I walked back out through the door and my case worker Robin met me right there. She scooped me up into her arms and assured me that one way or another things would be fine. I couldn’t help but look up at her and ask why life had to be so hard. Everyone else has their mommy and their daddy at the same time and I didn’t, this wasn’t supposed to happen, it’s just not fair! Robin stayed with me for a while, and helped me calm down, then I went “home.”

The next morning, daddy told me I wasn’t going to school, I thought to myself, here comes round two. I get ready, get in the car, and we head for the courthouse once again. Robin met me right outside today. She gives me a hug and tells me how strong I am and then walks me down the hall towards the serious man’s room once again. As I sit there, he begins to tell me that home is with my daddy now, and that my mommy was unfit for my care. He told me that I wouldn’t be seeing my mommy for a while. Hearing just about enough, it was finally time to go back with Robin. I’m running to her, my mind just overloaded with so many things and tears streaming down my face. She scoops me up in her arms, and I just can’t stop crying. She holds me for a while, and she tells me that sometimes life throws things at us that really hurt, things that we don’t want, things that tear us apart, but we have to just wait it out and see what good becomes of things. With tear filled eyes, I look up at her and say it’s just not fair, no one else has this, it’s not supposed to happen. She starts rocking me and singing, until I’m just so exhausted that I fall asleep.

When I woke up, I was at my dads, with him and his very mean wife. They got what they wanted. My mommy was out of my life, and having the mind of an 8 year old little girl, being told so many different things, I didn’t even know why. What I did know, is that I felt like my heart had been ripped out, thrown on the floor, and shattered into a million tiny pieces.

Now I am 18 years old, and I have my mom in life. I went a total of 5 years without her, and those were the hardest 5 years of my life. Every girl needs there mom, and unfortunately I wasn’t allowed to have mine until I was almost 15 years old. To everyone that has always had your mom by your side, appreciate that and never take it for granted; and to those that haven’t or don’t always have your mom, you’re not alone.