I remember that the first time I realized I didn’t feel female I thought I was a freak. I belonged in Hell. But I wanted to lie to myself less than I feared God. I wore the clothes, I used the bathrooms, the pronouns, a name. But it was still wrong. Three months. And I was more of a freak than ever. If I am not one or the other what am I? Do I walk up to my family and tell them I don’t exist?
Years of forum lurking taught me some new vocabulary words. Ones that I took to heart. Pansexual. Agnostic. Non-binary… I started to define myself. And I started to hear the slurs. I’m no f*****. Not a d***. And I am not a freak.
And yes, I have breasts, I have a curvature to my hip bones that is so feminine. But I’m not. Not female. Not miss, not she, her, daughter, sister, those are not words to define me. They are titles and words yes, but not for me. I am no sir, boy, he. I am not a member of this binary.
I wanted to tell my family and my sister seemed to be the best to start with, I mentioned my trans friend and she just said “That silly girl. She can’t pick and choose her parts. God decided them for her. If that stupid kid sticks to it and gets surgery in a  decade, I’ll say he.” I shouldn’t have to get surgery to resemble a Barbie or Ken doll. Molded bits of plastic to indicate where something should be, but isn’t. That should not be my defining feature.
I should not live in fear of what will be done to correct me. I’m not wrong. Not defective. But if I stop withering against these words, I’ll be just like some defective toy bought for a child, thrown out to the curb once discovered.
What right do all these strangers have to even talk to me? To tell me that I’m wrong. To teach me that I’m lucky if I say not female and all they do is reply “stupid girl”. All the names and titles I’ve ever known, and IT is the worse.
Some people say singular they is incorrect. but IT isn’t? Do you know this author? I love their books. Do you know who painted this? They did great. Do you know *insert name here*? I helped them with math homework the other night. Singular they is incorrect?
I have moments when all I want is to be a complacent female, and all of this would just end. But that is not who I am. I have defined who I am. That is my calling, not yours. You don’t have a right to, and it isn’t a privilege you have either. Yes, I’m a stupid kid. But I’ve started finding myself. I know who I am. And I won’t be erased.