I feel so far away. From my friends. From myself. From who I used to be. From everything.

I drove alone to take another SAT. Unexpectedly, two of my childhood friends were there to take it, too. Friends that I feel guilty even calling friends. It’s been so long since I’ve talked to each them. I mean really talked to them.

After the test, I desperately wanted to go have lunch with them. I wanted to reconnect. I wanted to see them, to talk to them, to know that I’m still their friend. So I trailed after them in the parking lot, yelling their names like an idiot.

"Do you want to go have lunch somewhere?"

"Lunch? Yeah, let’s go."

I was so happy. But as we sat down at Chili’s and started talking, I was struggling to keep up. They kept throwing out names I didn’t know. John and Ryan and Michael. I go to the bathroom and come back to “maybe you should go to Dallas. You might have luck there.”

What? What were they talking about? Had I become this out of touch with the girls who used to be my best friends? I barely knew them at all.

So I sat and gathered bits and pieces of their lives and laughed and tried. And then I drove home alone.

The feeling of being far away trailed behind me into my room. It must have influenced my radio, because then “Goodbye Stranger” by Supertramp came on. And suddenly I was reminded of late night Taco Bell runs and the glare of the sunset on windshields and the smell of his skin. I pictured him grinning and saying “wait for it, this guitar part is so cool” and then doing his little dance, back and forth with his shoulders.

What about that part of me? The girl who was in band? What about trombone Alex? The way she used to act?

And then I picture me now. A complete set of new friends that I’ll leave in a matter of months for college. College. I’ll have to start all over there again. The small bits of familiarity I have now will be gone for good.

It’s like there’s three parts of me. The Alex up until sophomore year, the girl who was only friends with other girls who I thought were like me. Then there’s band Alex, friends with the trombones, with the boys, the Alex who kissed those boys. And then there’s the Alex now, friends with journalism nerds who only think about politics and feminism. And all of these Alex’s act completely different from each other. And when parts of them meet, everything collides in my brain and I can’t tell who I’m supposed to be.

Maybe this is why I feel so far away.