I still remember home; sweet, relaxed, and real. It seems like a dream existing only in my head. When I see it, I’m lost but when I think of it, I’m filled with warmth and peace. It was a hobby farm with dogs, horses, and chickens all over the place. There was a big, red barn with green shingles. I remember bringing my dad and cousins coffee when they were re-siding it in the morning while fog billowed around our feet. There were 2 little shacks, one was my playhouse; filled with toys and moths. Another was a tack shed, where we kept our saddles and grooming supplies. We also had a big garden with apple trees and berry patches.

One day, my parents sat me down on our red plaid living room couch. They told me that they were getting a divorce. Eight year old me didn't know what that meant, so they had to explain it. I felt broken and I could see it in both of my parents faces too. They said that it would get easier as time passed. That was the first and only time that I ever saw my dad cry.

Everything changed: I had new babysitters while my parents went to court, I had to search for two different places to call home on opposite sides of town, I had to divide my belongings between two different places, and I had to train my lips into a smile even when my life was splitting in half. Half of a week with mom, and half of a week with dad. I felt like an accessory every time I saw the special divorce schedule for the child: even year Christmases with dad, odd year Christmases with mom, Even year Easter with dad, odd year Easter with mom. It’s the same for every other holiday. At least my parents were understanding about it and I would just spend half of the holiday with one parent and the other half of the day with the other parent. I adjusted well although it did take a while.

My parents personalities had the biggest change. My father started to be more of an extrovert but easily got into a bad mood. Since he didn't have mom around the house, he would get really frustrated with my captious personality when it came to food. He hated having to make an extra meal for me that I would eat, so most times he wouldn't. I never learned how to make many things and I normally didn’t have time because of schoolwork and extracurriculars. Some nights I would go to sleep without any dinner, but if the divorce never happened, I would have most likely never learned how to cook and bake.

My mom changed for the worse; she was depressed, at least I think it was depression that made her turn to alcohol. “I’m a social drinker,” is what she always said after I accused her of drinking too much the night before at a family gathering. I hate going to parties with her knowing that she will end up passed out on the couch. I’m always a little naive to hold out hope because I know she will drink. She won't admit that she has a problem and to be honest, I don't even think that she knows she has a problem. Sometimes I feel like my family doesn't like me or appreciate me because of who my mom is. I always get less attention than all of the other cousins. I’ll think, maybe I’m not as talented as the others or just have a bad personality, but I’m almost certain that it is my mom’s past interfering with my family relations. I have told some of my family and only my closest friends about her issue. I know neither my cousins nor my friends can do anything about it, and it doesn't seem like my family even cares anymore. I will tell them what I'm going through then they forget all about it. I have tried to tell her that she has a problem but she won't admit it. Every time I try to confront her she turns it against me and asks, “Why don’t you give up sugar than?” It always turns into a big fight with her drinking more and me locking myself in my room for long periods of time. I can’t bring myself to look at her. I can wish, but I know that we will never have the same relationship that we used to.

I think my mom knows in the back of her mind that we will never have a healthy relationship again and because of this she has tried to start dating. She has had 3 boyfriends that I know about. First, there was an old friend of hers that I hated. He was a heavy smoker, that spent all of his time with his ‘job.’ He was a self-employed mechanic who lived alone in a disgusting house. Next there was a car mechanic. He would act like a teenage boy a lot because he wasn't very mature. He tried to show off and make me think that he was cool, but he truly wasn't. I never really liked him but I put up with him for my mom. The breaking point for me was when he was showing me his old sports car, he was trying to act cool and show off by swerving and being dangerous. When we went off of the road and into the ditch, I felt the left side of the car come completely off of the ground. I was irate at how vacuous a man could be. After that there was another guy, he is the one currently in the picture. I  have never met him. I have hope that he will be different than the others, but I know that I’m wrong. My mom is just not the best  judge of character, my dad on the other hand does have a pretty good judge in character.

My dad has had three long time girlfriends after the divorce. First there was Dawn. Dawn was really nice, really pretty, and I adored her. Their relationship didn't last too long, but just long enough that I still remember her. Next, there was Laura. I never really liked her. I appreciated her and the fact that she made my dad happy, but I just didn't like her as a  person. She was very strict towards me and wouldn't put up with my pickiness like my parents did. She wouldn't let me eat the foods that I liked until I tried something new. Laura didn't understand that I just don’t like a lot of different foods. I often didn't eat at her house.

Laura’s kids didn’t like me either. She had 4 kids: Sydney, Maddie, Sophia, and Buddy. I rarely saw Sydney and when I did, she didn’t really talk to me. Maddie was really cruel towards me, she abused me physically and mentally. Sophia was nice but I could never tell if she liked me or not, all I know is that she ignored me most times. Buddy was adorable, he was really sweet but very rambunctious. I know he liked me and I know that he loved my dad to pieces. I really didn’t appreciate how Laura raised her kids; she showed a lot of favoritism for Buddy because of him being the youngest and only boy. My dad’s third long time girlfriend is Mary Jo. She is an amazing woman who loves to craft and do outdoor things with my father. They love to go biking, hiking, and exploring the U.S.A. I always had a gut feeling that Mary Jo would end up being a full time part of this family, I just never really thought about that feeling. My dad and Mary Jo have been dating for about two years now, and finally my dad and Mary Jo gave me a reality check.

I could always tell that my dad and Mary Jo loved each other a lot, and so I always wondered if they would end up getting married. There was this gut feeling I had that they would, but I left that feeling in the back of my mind, until one day they came home from church and Mary Jo had a brand new ring on her left hand. My dad finally proposed and she said yes. I was extremely excited at first and I still am, but later that night reality hit me; I’m going to have a new mom. I thought about my past and how I never pictured myself living in 2 different houses, with a mom that I can’t bear to look at, and my dad starting over. It was hard to process the fact that I was going to have a new full time mom, but then I realized that now I can have a whole part to my family, with a mom and a dad in the same house.

The journey was long but now I feel like it has come to a slower pace, after the change, the issues, the significant others, and the final reality call. Sometimes it takes a while to realize that your life isn't a dream, though you may wish with all of your heart that it was. Things do eventually get better even though they may first become worse. With this new start for my dad and I, there is a positivity that we can make some new and improved memories, though they may never top the ones from my childhood home. I always try to remember that with every rough patch in life, there is always a chance for redemption. Sometimes the way redemption comes is through someone else.