‘Ya know what? Life is funny. One second everything seems to be in place, and it feels like nothing can ever go wrong, and not even 20 minutes later, complete hell breaks loose. What are we supposed to do when that security blanket is ripped to shreds right in front of our eyes? There’s no right or wrong answer to this. Human instinct is to panic, but the more we panic, the worse it gets. When our bodies go into what I like to call “panic mode,” we lose all common sense. Our only focus is righting the ship, but you can’t right a sinking ship. You can only abandon the ship, and pray for a miracle. I was given a gift just about a year ago. The gift came in the form of a girl, who completely stole my heart right from me. Everything was going wonderfully throughout the duration of our relationship. I accomplished more with her than I’ve accomplished with all my other ex girlfriends combined. Sounds nice, eh? It does sound nice, in theory that is. August 17th is a day I will never forget. It’s a day that completely threw me off guard. I lost my security blanket that day, and to this day, I’ve failed to replace it. Now I’ve made a lot of mistakes in my life, but the biggest mistake I have ever made was trusting this girl. I threw my trust at her in bucket fulls, not only did I throw my trust at her, but I threw everything I had at her. I loved this girl to death. I wish I could say I’m exaggerating, but I’m not. I was willing to go to the furthest extent possible for this girl and her family. I loved both of them, her mom and dad were basically parents to me, since I was never able to see my own. I did everything for her. I bought her gifts for every occasion. I dropped her off, and picked her up from places she needed to get to. I always, ALWAYS sacrificed my family time for her. I put her before everything in my life, including myself for a while (another horrible decision, she wasn’t worth my well-being.) I tucked her in at night. If she wasn’t comfortable doing something, I would do it. When she cried, I cried. Don’t believe me? There was this one time where her pregnant bunny had killed her newborn bunnies. I wasn’t with her at the time, but I knew it was killing her, and that made me cry at the same time she was. I loved listening to her, and always wanted to help. I always gave her a shoulder to cry on. I drove from Gurnee, IL, to where she lives almost every day of Spring Break. If she was cold, I would give her my sweatshirt to keep her warm (she still has two of them plus my hawks jersey.) I was 100% supportive of her, here’s an example of that. She had to do a project or something for school that involved starting a petition on change.org. She got so many people to sign the petition, so she became very passionate about it. Well so did I. I sent it to every one of my friends, and many of my family members. I made sure to always say goodnight, and I love you to her, even if she was asleep and couldn’t hear me. I helped her cook, clean or do anything else she needed help with. Now this isn’t to take away from what she did for me. She did a lot for me also. She was the best girl I was ever given a chance to love, and I made sure she knew that. I made sure to thank her before she left. What did I get in return? Here’s a hint: the word starts with an “N” and rhymes with “bothing.” Nothing. I got absolutely nothing in return at the end. It’s funny because I distinctly remember sitting on her bed, begging her to not take a break from me. She said “it’s just a break, I’ll be back. I pinky promise.” I said “please don’t do this. Every time this has happened to me, they have all left. They’ve all abandoned me.” But she PROMISED, with her pinky that she wasn’t going to do that. Yeah..right. I knew from the next morning on that she wasn’t coming back. Contrary to popular belief, I’m not an idiot. Was I right? Of course I was. You know that sinking feeling you get, when you know that something’s not right? Imagine having that feeling for a good two months. Imagine not being able to do anything about the whole situation. Imagine having your heart ripped out, and not knowing what you did. Imagine not having a second chance to right the ship. I’m not a person who needs a whole lot. I’ve been cheated on seven times, and have had numerous promises broken. At this point in time, I’m used to being let down. So I’m not expecting anything from anyone. You know what I am asking for though? Respect. Just a little respect. If you’re going to hurt me, at least tell my why. At the least, you can muster up the courage to thank me, or apologize. Am I overreacting? Was this just another “high school relationship?” Who knows. What I do know is I gave this girl everything I had, and I loved her inside-out. This is the eighth time it’s happened to me. So you tell me, hotshot. Am I overreacting? Or am I just a loving, caring person who was vulnerable to cold, heartless people? Not anymore. You’re not walking over me anymore. You know what though, this whole thing taught me many lessons. Never change yourself for ANYBODY. If he or she is making you change, or he or she is using that against you, saying things like “you have to change, or else I’m leaving.” Then ‘effin let them leave. No one should feel obligated to change just because someone else says they have to. That’s where I went wrong. Now that all is said and done, I feel awful about neglecting my family for this girl. I let her catechize me into some dream world, where nothing seems to go wrong, and the “inevitable” no longer exists. So I’m done putting myself into these situations. All I have left to say is thanks for the memories, and it sucks that you’re gone. Life is unfair. I get it, but you can’t use that as an extenuation for everything. I promise there will be a day where you’re above the person who hurt you. it’s funny how love works, am I right? One day you love someone, and the next day they’re gone. Did they really love you? Is that how “love” works? I remember the exact day I told her that I loved her. It was March 6th, 2015. It felt damn good to say that to her. it felt even better to hear it back. But was it all worth it? Do I regret telling her that I loved her? Absolutely not. Do I regret letting my heart depend on her? Big time. There’s nothing wrong with loving her. It brought some of the greatest moments of my life. This may seem irrational to you. It may seem like I’m going way overboard with this all. You’re probably saying to yourself “get over it” or “what an emotional wreck.” Well let me put it to you this way bud, have you ever felt this pain? Have you ever loved someone/something so much, then boom. It’s all gone, and there’s nothing to do about it. Have you felt that pain? It’s not fair. I’ve been preaching it for months now. I’d do anything to get her back. Anything. Do I still feel that way? No. I’ve come to realize that my bed is a better comforter than she or anyone else could be. As long as I have myself in check, it doesn’t matter who wanders into my life. Does life suck? A lot of the times, yes, it does. Is life fair? Of course not. It’s up to you to make life great, and give yourself the opportunity for a fair life. That doesn’t mean life will always pan out the way you want it to. I’ve had umpteen people tell me that life goes on, life gets better, you’ll forget about her in a couple years when you’re with somebody else. Thanks everybody. I never really planned on moping over her forever, and I realize everything will get better. Hopefully sooner than later, she’ll be a faint memory, stored in the depths of my brain. All of that doesn’t take away from what she, and the many girls before her did. Putting your trust into somebody, then having them pour it down a drain, like it’s some sort of unwanted liquid, starts to pave a very bumpy road for the future. Is trust unlimited? Is it possible to have your trust burned by so many people, but still have enough to hand over to another aimless soul? Depends on how well you built the “wall” surrounding yourself. For most people it works like this: you find somebody worthy of tearing down the wall you built for yourself, however many months later, that said person suddenly leaves. Alright. Time to rebuild the wall even stronger, and even taller. Eventually to the point where the wall is so strong, that the only person who can climb it, is the person meant for you. This isn’t the case for me, and I’m probably not alone. Each time my wall gets destroyed, all it takes is a matter of time before they’re running freely with my trust. The more I rebuild my wall, the weaker it gets over time. At this point, you’re all probably thinking to yourselves, “Jesus. This kid is vastly blowing this whole thing out of proportion. It’s just a break up.” Okay so let me get this straight. It’s okay for her and the many before her to gain my trust, lead me on for many months, then out of thin air, leave me without any explanation why? While on top of it all, act like an immature little kid by blocking me, when I didn’t do anything to warrant a “block.” Fair enough. She does all of that, and I’m still not allowed to sit here and speak the honest to God truth about this whole debacle. So I’ll ask at this moment, if you’re one of those people. Leave. Adios. Sayonara. You’re all probably among the people who do this to others for a living. I like to believe I’m entitled to speak the truth about this whole thing, while expressing my despair over her. Since I was lied to for nine months, especially for the last couple. Somebody has to spread the truth. I will no longer sit around in a puddle of silence. Thanks to these last couple of months. I’m scared to do the things I love most. I can’t do anything that this girl and I did together, because all it does is remind me of lies, misfortunes, and what I can’t have. I pray that deep inside she knows what she threw away. Cause life ain’t always ‘gonna be as peachy as it is right now hun. Just keep the thought of me in that busy little mind of yours. Don’t forget your “first love.” Maybe that was a lie as well. I guess we’ll never know. It seems now that it’s okay to hurt the first guy you ever “loved.” You can call me “old-fashioned” all you want, but if it were me, this isn’t the way I would treat the first person I ever “loved.” I use the word “love” in quotations because a large part of me believes that “love” isn’t the right word to use in this instance. To say I felt loved throughout the span of months we were together, would be a lie. I came out of this relationship feeling used. How would you feel if somebody who you “loved,” and who “loved” you back, were to just call it off after nine months? Especially if it were under the circumstances that mine happens to fall under. After all of that. After all the memories we shared together. After everything we did for each other. Not even a trifling, thank you, or better yet, a good-bye? So take me through your thought process, would ya’? Maybe it was a case of “oh yeah, I don’t need you anymore. I’ve found the prolonged happiness I’ve been searching for.” Better yet, it could have even been one of those “sorry. I found somebody who makes me happier.” Whatever the case may be, it doesn’t matter at the end of the day. A broken promise, is a broken promise. Maybe once you get pushed off that high horse of yours, you’ll realize the true damage you evoked. Do you really believe that I was the only one who was left hurt after this? Frankie? Brooke? Lauren? Ari? Aunt Kim? Uncle Bruce? Any of those names ring a bell? You think any of those people were as happy as you were to dampen somebodys day? Let me try to understand it from your perspective. You were horribly busy during that small two week span before school started *sarcasm.* Then once school started, you had about a day and half worth of experience with your mighty new job, and your traumatizing schedule, and you determined that you absolutely loved it without me. You weren’t willing to give any sort of consideration to letting me back in for a week or two. Just to try it out, and see how it went. Instead, you tell me that you want to come with us to six flags in a couple of weeks, and after we buy your ticket and everything, you leave. Oh, but you were doing it all for yourself. You “needed” this, right? No sort of empathy for those around you, who may have been upset by the decision. I guess at the end of the day. It’s always your right to do whatever you want. I just wish you wouldn’t have been thinking so far in the future, just to abandon what you had in the present. Months of self-indulgent has manifested itself into a new thought process of my own. I’m now able to say that you will NEVER find anybody who will care more about you, and who will love you more than I had. Sorry for veering off to a personal conversation with my ex. Sometimes these kind of things can’t be prevented. Many themes can be yanked out of this personal narrative. What I really want you to understand from this piece, is the idea that you’re not alone when it comes to having your heart ripped out. You know, life would be great if love wasn’t such a big part of it. I’ve touched on this before, and I’ll touch on it again. Love can mend your soul, but it can also ruin your life at the same time. I remember telling her this the day after I told her that I loved her. It’s funny because a couple days later, she told me about how I was totally right. She told me that love is amazing, and she never wants to lose this feeling for me. It’s whimsical how just a couple of months can turn the angel of your life, into the devil. What happened to that side of her? Is it possible to lose every feeling you had for somebody, after nearly a year? Let me answer this one for you. The answer is NO. You can’t fake nearly a year of loving somebody. Unless you’re a real good faker. Out of all the horrible things that can be drawn out of this whole episode, you know what hurts the most? The certainty I have, that she lied to me on multiple occasions, and not being able to do a damn thing about it. Not even being able to talk to her about it. This whole thing makes me so sad. You meant the world to me. You were my everything, and you were ALWAYS my number one priority. Now..your name is just synonymous with fake. Consider this essay a “make-up” for all the times I never told you how I was feeling. This is also for anyone out there who has stepped in my shoes before. I hope you know how I really feel now. Want to hear what you’ll never know, because you never bothered to ask? The reason why I seemed so off course in August. A lot happened that I never told anyone about. To this day, I’m still dealing with the repercussions of what happened. So let me be the first to say I’m sorry for never telling you, or anyone else. It was embarrassing, and I knew all it would do is ruin everything. Turns out I was wrong, everything ended up ruined anyway. I guess I’m left practically inarticulate now. All I have left to say is, that’s just the way she goes, that’s just the friggin’ way she goes, ladies and gentlemen.