Important Note: Just so you all know, this book is currently placed on pause due to the process of deconstruction and starting over. This is a fairly old draft with several flaws and writing mistakes, yet - for now - I'm choosing not to delete it since it's recieved so many positive ratings (I don't even understand how). I'm not sure when a recent version will be submitted, but please don't think of this novel as the best-of-my-ability.

Thank you.

~ForeverWonderland

Ha, yeah, it's a small bit of allusion :)

Thanks for reading! <3 I'll probably be starting over this novel soon, for I'm not at all satisfied with the way it turned out. It's one of my older pieces, so I plan to revise it. :) Plus, the plot is going to go under a bit of developement.

  That sentence in the preview:

  They're not in Florida anymore.

  Reminds me of the Wizard of Oz:

  "I'm not in Kansas anymore."

  Now, onto reading the novel, lol.

like it, like the characters (as you know, haha) Ithink the details are greta, and you can really picture your slef in the scene.

adive...hmmm I will come up with something..(I'm trying to get better at it) I guess....well, i like the writing style, though sometimes it seems a little to much Kimberl'y thoughts than a story, but that's also enjoyable at time, OH SCREW ADVICE. I liked it!

No, it's alright, I'm happy you wrote the super long comment of advice ^^ You're right to be honest, and I'l try to fix everything you suggested. I'll probaby end up starting competely over at one point, because I usually do often, so I'll be sure to avoid the probems my writing currently has.

And there isn't actually a love triangle thing going on (not my thing) but I do SEE where you can get that by the way it was written.

But anyway, thanks for the comment :)

Okay.  I'm telling you right up front that I'm going to be completely honest with you.  If you want sugar coating, don't read this.

I do like the premise.  Your pitch was decent, though you gave a bit too much detail.  We don't need to know everything that happens to her, just the gist of it.

So you start off with a pitch about her and her friend disappearing into another world, and you start it off with...Algebra class.  This is a  bit throwing for the reader.

Biiiiig problem: Tense changing.   You do it very, very often.    Using words like 'now' and 'this' and 'you see', etc.   These are all present tense words, and you're using them with past tense.  There are many other examples, but these are a few. While sometimes thoughts alone are in present tense, you don't always do it for thoughts, and you do it many times in context.  Try to smooth it out a bit.

'Nother problem:  the tone.  I'll admit, I like some of your descriptions, like the one of the teacher's eyes, but the tone is...well, have you ever read Evermore?  This is similar, but sort of.....worse, although in all fairness, that writer is much older than you and  had editors so she doesn't have as much of an excuse.  Anyways.  This is an extremely chatty tone.  Sometimes a slightly chatty tone works for a book--the MC is more interactive with the reader.  But the way you're doing it, it sounds like some an.gs.ty teenage girl telling us just how horrible her day was and how hot this guy is, etc.  We don't want to read the complaints of a teenage girl.  Watch out for phrases like "I mean," and "I can honestly say that...." and "just making that clear" as well as others.  Way too informal for a book.

Related to the tone, you switch person while 'talking' to the reader.  Kimberly often mentions 'you' as if talking to us, but the way she does it, it's almost like some kid asking for our opinion.  If you do go from first to second, which a few novels do very rarely, you have to make it more refined and fitting.

AH! THE CLICHES!  *runs away*

No.  But seriously.

I've already spotted enough cliches in the first chapter alone to make me wary.  Hmm, let's see.  The 'eeeeevil' teacher that's out to get the poor, poor MC, the rude boy who teases the MC all the time but just happens to have a thing for them, the sweet, shy hot guy who appears out of nowhere, and the MC who su.ck.s c.r.a.p at school.  Be ware of these.  Cliches are soooo easy to fall into, and it seems quite a few have caught you in their trap.  Watch out for them.

Don't use a lot of exclamation points!  Especially when you're talking to the reader! In context or parenthesis!  It makes the MC seem over-excited!  And it gets annoying! Like this!

Eep, adverbs.  Adverbsadverbsadverbs.  These are a problem.

We all need adverbs to a certain extent--without any, writing would be very plain.  But you use them way too much.   When you can spot eight or more adverbs in a paragraph, you've got a problem.  When you can spot more than two in a paragraph, you've got a problem.  Cut down on those.

I have indeed read your pitch, so I don't have this opinion, but had I not read the summary, after reading the first chapter I've have thought this was a general fic romance with a love triangle.  Not a  paranormal idea.  Perhaps work on a prologue that introduces the paranormal element sooner.

Overall: Yeah, I know I was harsh.  I said I'd be at the top of the comment.  But despite all of this, I will tell you: you have potential.  This story has potential.  You have pretty good dialogue, and the plot set-up from the pitch, at least, seems interesting.  The writing could use some sharpening up and cleaning, but seeing as it's your first novel, not bad at all.

Good luck, and keep writing.

Ahahaha, poor Kimberly.

I personally love this book, even though you aren't very far through.