My parents and I both got into the carriage to go to the Travistine's Estate. It was a sunny day and I could hear the birds singing from the trees. We were in our finest clothing ready for the day's events. I was sure I was going to gain some weight after all the food. It wouldn’t really matter though. I was hoping to see Clarisse there, but I was trying to not give up my hopes because I wanted it to be a good day.

  I had a smile on my face the whole way there. My mother was ranting to me, but I just happened to be in my head, off in my own bubble. Perhaps imagining what could come of the day or my wildest dreams. I was itching at my gloves on my hands and touching my face too much messing up my makeup.

  My father was a distant figure in my life. He didn't talk much unless I did something absolutely not acceptable. Like screaming in public. That only happened once when a bee landed on my dress in the middle of the square. I got a slap that evening. I sometimes was curious about what my parent’s relationship looked like from the inside. They never showed affection in front of me and I've only ever seen a picture of them side hugging on their wedding day.

  In my fantasy books that were falling apart, the main character always had this perfect life. As I grew up I started to realize that the things that happened in the books would stay that way and a perfect life like theirs would never happen. Especially for me. Maybe for a royal princess. Too bad I wasn't born into royalty.

  The coach came to a halt and the door opened by the driver. My mother and I stepped out first, then my father. I looked around the curved driveway soaking in the prestige. It was beautiful. We walked to the front door, knocking using the lion head. Lord Travistine's wife opened the door, smiling at us.

  "Hello, Mr. and Mrs. Romalie. Lottie. Come on in and follow me," she said and my eyes roamed the tall ceilings with busy wallpaper. I followed behind them all into a sitting room were Theo and Victor sat. They stood up and bowed. "Phillip will be out in a minute."

  "What a beautiful estate Della," my mom told her.

  "Why thank you, Eleanor," she responded. It all seemed like a game. Who would break first though?

  "You look beautiful Lottie," Theo walked over to me.

  "I can say the same for all of you," I replied and the boys nodded, smiling. They weren’t actually boys. Really they were men. They were 18.

  "Oh please do sit," Della motioned towards the seating. We all sat down, looking around at each other, nothing to say. Victor made a funny expression towards me and I held in a laugh. Us children were sitting on a sofa together and the parents were sitting across from us on another. Suddenly Lord Travistine walked in and we all stood.

  "Love," Della smiled and walked over to him. She kissed him on the cheek.

  "I saw the Florence family’s coach arrive a second ago. Shall you go fetch them darling?" he asked her.

  "Of course," she waved us off and voices soon filled the hallway. They were a loud bunch. I heard a child. A little boy.

  "Do be quiet Augustus," a mother snapped at the little boy. He looked to be around the age five. He was half the height of his father almost. His hair was straight and dark like his fathers'. Clarisse and him barely looked alike. The only similarities were the freckles. Dimples indented in his puffy cheeks appeared once he quieted down. His arms stuck behind his back and his chest puffed out. Clarisse was looking at me standing next to the men.

  "Well then, I think we should start," Lord Travistine announced. "Victor. Would you play a song for the guests?"

  "Yes father," Victor stood and walked over to the grand piano by the grand staircase. Everything was so grand. He sat on the stool, half of his body facing us. His fingers danced on the black and white keys playing this beautiful song I'd never heard of. Clarisse's family found seats and Clarisse sat next to me replacing Victor's spot. Her gown was a dark green that brought out her eyes. I wondered if she liked either of the brothers.

  After the piano playing stopped he stood looking at us and the adults clapped. He blushed and looked over at me. I acted like I was clapping and gave him a prestigious expression. He laughed a little and the claps stopped.

  "You all must be parched. Della, why don't you talk to the guests while I find the chef," Lord Travistine told her and she nodded walking closer to us.

  "The first ball of the season was quite lovely, wasn't it? I certainly enjoyed the crumpets," she smiled big and our parents talked.

  "Mother, can Victor and I show our new friends the garden?" Theo asked her quickly, not trying to interrupt.

  "Of course. Don't dilly dally though," she told him and all of us kids left for the back. Shortly behind us, the little boy followed.

  "This is the garden. There's grass and dirt. It's very extravagant as you can all see," sarcastically said Theodore almost mocking his father. Augustus' eyebrows furrowed and he gave us an odd look.

  "Old people are weird," he said.

  "It was a joke Augustus," Clarisse informed him.

  "He's quite foolish, my father," Victor said.

  "You don't like your father?" I asked curiously.

  "Not generally no," Victor agreed. 

  "Don't let him hear you say that," Theodore told him.

  "Why can't I go home?" Augustus wines.

  "Because our old nanny was let go and they are still looking for another one," Clarisse countered back.

  "Why was your nanny let go?" Victor laughed at the idea.

  "I don't know. They told us that she broke the rules or something like that," Clarisse voiced.

  "Our nanny was let go once we turned thirteen," Theo added. "What about you Lottie. Got any nanny secrets?"

  "Mine was big and mean and she quit when I was twelve so my parents just decided that I didn't need a nanny anymore anyways," I tried to think of something to add. "She told me once that children are disgusting and vile creatures."

  They all looked at me in awe. I laughed at their faces and they joined in.

  "To nannies that hate kids," Clarisse cheered.

  "But everyone was a kid," Augustus said confused.

  "Yes, and that's why it's so odd that people like that think that way," Clarisse explained to him.

  We talked for a while, joking around until Mrs. Travistine poked her head out of the door and yelled for us to come back in. They already had their drinks. Tea all around with a plate of biscuits in the middle.

  "Sit down children," Lord Travistine demanded calmly.

  We all squeezed onto the sofa and listened to the adults speak. Lord Travistine faced me and I smiled at him like I'm supposed to.

  "Perhaps Victor can tell everyone of his plans, especially to Clarisse," Lord Travistine suggested and we all looked over at him. He had this frazzled expression.

  "I'm planning on going to university to study literature," he stopped. "This fall actually I've gotten accepted into Brickstine’s University. I'm planning on getting published as well for some extra income."

  "That sounds wonderful," I commented trying to make him feel good. I felt for him.

  "What can you do with a degree in literature?" Clarisse's mother asked Victor. 

  "It will help me advance in my writing career further. I just might become the next William Shakespeare," Victor bragged, yet it sounded so noble.

  "You write poetry as well?" Clarisse questioned him.

  "Yes and tragic love stories too," he added. 

Lord Travistine started to speak, "what do you know about love?" His wife glared at him and he shot her back a look.

"Let the man speak,” their mother suggested.

  "I think I know as much as the next man," he almost mumbled.

  "Well then, I think the goose should be roasted by now," Lord Travistine interrupted Victor and the hosts stood.

  "Follow me then," Lord Travistine's wife spoke and we followed her into a beautiful dining room. The chandelier was dazzling, but not as grand as the one at the ball. The table might have reached ten feet. It was fit for royalty and as I sat I noticed how gentle I was being with it all. I slowly, lightly pulled the chair back and was going to scooch, but then it did it without my power. I looked back and saw Theodore.

  He sat next to me and on my other side was Clarisse. Each side sat six and there were four empty spots at both ends. Us children were seated on the one side and parents across from us. Victor was sandwiched in between Clarisse and Augustus. The table was made elegantly with placemats and silverware carefully placed on the stacked plates.

  The smell of steaming, fresh food poured out of the kitchen that was tucked away by a few hallways. Some way already in front of us and it sure did look delicious. There was a goose, chicken, and fish for the proteins. A variety of fruits and veggies. And little bowls filled with assortments of spices and sauces. I spotted my favorite gravy. Cranberry was a close second though.

  Two men walked in with black suits on and white underneath. One tray carried a multitude of alcoholic beverages while the other looked to be more virgin. I watched the men bring around the tray one by one pouring the chosen drink into the glasses. 

  "And you miss?" the man asked me. I looked at the tray and decided on sparkling wine. A classic.

  "Let me start the night with a toast," Lord Travistine stood once we all had drinks. "To the success of our children in the future and the happiness of our families. May this night be one to remember for all of us."

  "Cheers," the parents said. We all clink glasses and Augustus watched us in confusion, but he still enjoyed clinking glasses.

  We all waited until Lord Travistine started serving the food to himself. He stabbed a piece of ham and plopped it down on his plate. Then we passed around the plates of food around the table, taking what we wanted.

  "Business is picking up at the resort. This summer we're expecting to go over the edge with our expected profits, so we'll be expanding at the end of the season," Lord Travistine explained to us.

  "You think the upgrades will be worth it?" my father questioned him.

  "The numbers show a profit increase of 30% this season and with that money put into it after it shows an increase of 50%," he informed my father.

  "That seems too good to be true. You must be doing something right with your business then," my father told him.

  "Yes, Theodore will be helping me out now. He'll take over when I'm tired of it," Lord Travistine earned laughter.

  "I'll still let you stay in the owner's suite," Theo assured his father.

  "Well of course. That would be a deal breaker," his father joked.

  As we ate and ate and ate the adults started talking among themselves. I started loading gravy over the chicken and the veggies mixed in with it all. It looked gross, but it tasted beyond my wildest expectations. I watched as Clarisse carefully cut into the fish. She had potatoes with it and green beans. I didn't enjoy fish much. I hated the fishy taste.

  "My parents are letting us go play cards upstairs after the meal," Theo whispered towards me.

  "You better be afraid because I have a good poker face," I whispered back and Clarisse laughed next to me. I didn't look at her, but I did wonder if she was laughing at what I said or something someone else said.

  "Augustus will be cheating the whole game. He doesn't even know how to play," Clarisse added to our conversation. I looked over at her.

  "No," Augustus peaked in front of Victor. "I do not. I win every time."

  "Liar," Clarisse looked over at him.

  "No bickering you two," Clarisse and Augustus' father told them in a low voice. They looked back towards me.

  "What about spoons?" I lift up one of my unused spoons.

  "I've never played it before," Theo told me.

  "I have and it's really enjoyable," Clarisse added. "Have you played Victor?"

  "No, I've heard of it though," Victor informed.

  "Well, Lottie and I can teach you both. Augustus will just watch the first round. He usually forgets how to play," Clarisse explained.

  Once Lord Travistine stopped eating we all stopped. I didn't get to finish the last bite of my delicious mixture. He stood and lifted his glass.

  "Ale!" he announced and it startled me, making me jump. Clarisse laughed quietly and I smiled at her.

  One of the men in a black suit came in with a bottle of Ale and poured some inside his glass.

  "You are dismissed," he told the servant. "Children, you may go play cards. I'll send someone up to fetch you when you are needed back down here."

  We followed the twins up the stairs. The stairs were made of this dark brown wood. 

"Race you up the stairs," Augustus announced to us and we all continued to walk at a decent pace. He turned around, out of breath once he got to the top and frowned. "Wussies."

  "Ignore my brother's shenanigans," Clarisse said, giving us this sorrowful look.

  "My father is very fond of you both," Victor voiced.

  "Well he can't have my sister," Augustus pouted.

  "Silly, he has a wife. He means he'd like us for his sons," Clarisse told Augustus.

  "That's no better," Augustus skipped around in a circle.

  "Well, mother and father wouldn't like you discouraging me from marrying. They want me to marry you know and one day you'll marry a girl," she explained to the boy.

  "Girls are gross," he made a face like he was looking at peas. "They have cooties."

  "I used to think that too when I was your age, then when I was around 12 I started to think girls weren't so bad," Theo kneeled down, telling him.

  "I don't think so. I'd rather keep all my inheritance to myself," we laughed at that. Men kept their inheritance anyways. They controlled what they let the woman get and got the woman's inheritance as well. Another good reason for me to not get married.

  They showed us around the upstairs and occasionally there would be forbidden rooms. The forbidden room in my house was the master. I had gone in there once though when I was a child because Bertha, my nanny, had told me there was a huge dragon inside. Little did she know that I loved things like that and that would only make me want to go in there.

  I didn't find a dragon. I just found a very pristine room with bare walls and a huge bed. I wandered around and quietly exited once I heard the carriage arriving back home. Of course, I wrote about it in my diary. It made a nice little short story.

  We stopped in the final room which they called the card room. It had shorter walls because it was in the slant of the roof. There was a table in the middle with four seats.

  "Everybody grabbed a spoon?" Theodore questioned us and we all pulled a spoon out of one of our pockets or somewhere we were hiding it. Clarisse whipped it out of her bosom like magic. I wouldn't be able to do that.

  Victor went and grabbed an extra chair from the corner and pulled it over to the table. Theo emptied the deck of cards from the box on the table, shuffling them. They made this sound that was smooth and the cards laid on top of each other perfectly as he used his fingers to shuffle them.

  "Okay, everybody sit down," Theo ordered calmly. We all sat down in a seat and watched him. "I think the ladies should take over now."

  "I'll be the dealer," Clarisse volunteered. "Everybody gets four cards to start to get a whole set of the same card. We'll keep passing down cards around the table and quickly put it in a pile next to the person next to you. The last person puts the reject card in a pile which is the garbage. No one will take from that. I'll pull from the deck and start passing down a card."

  "We only need four spoons," I added, placing the spoons in a circle in the middle of the table. She flung out cards towards each of us and counted aloud.

  "1...2...3...4," Clarisse counted. "Okay, we can all just do a practice round."

  She took a card from the big deck and removed a card from her collection and passed it down to me. It was an Ace which matched with one I already had. I trash a random card apart from the two Aces. We moved faster and faster until Clarisse sneakily grabbed a spoon from the pile. No one noticed, but me so I also grabbed one. They looked over at us and gave us weird looks.

  "When you get four of the same cards you try to grab a spoon without anyone noticing," she started, but the boy interrupted her.

  "Who didn't put their spoons in the middle?" he accused us. She shook her head, laughing under her breath.

  "I got four matching so I grabbed a spoon without anyone noticing. Lottie noticed and grabbed a spoon, so you all are supposed to grab a spoon too," she voiced and Victor and Augustus both snatched a spoon. Theo made a frowned face and we all laughed at him.

  "It was just a practice round, Theo. Don't be a downer," Victor poked at Theo.

  "Okay let's redo it. I know how to play now," Theo told us.

  "Okay everybody put your cards in a pile. I'll shuffle them," Clarisse said and we all put them messily in a pile. We repeated the game multiple times with Theo continuously losing.

  "Come downstairs to dance children," the twins’ mother said from in the hallway. I looked over at Clarisse and she gives me this cute look. I wished I could dance with her. We all walked back downstairs and found them in a ballroom with shiny floors that you could slide on with stockings.

  "We need music," Lord Travistine commented to no one in particular.

  "Augustus knows how to play a few melodies," Clarisse's mother suggested.

  "Perfect. Augustus would you mind playing while we dance?" Lord Travistine asked him, but he probably felt like he had no choice. It was their home. He went over to the piano. Why did they have so many pianos? He lined up his fingers, trying to get used to the new instrument that wasn't like his back at home, I assumed.

  All the parents linked up with their spouse and I looked over at Clarisse and gave her a smile. Theo interrupted our stares and smiled at me. I guess everyone has a different thing to smile about.

  "Would you dance with me?" Theo asked me politely. I glanced back at Clarisse and saw her getting into position with Victor. I met eyes with Theo again and nodded. My smile was forced and I was feeling unhappy about the fact that we were being pulled away from each other. Even if it wasn't their intention.

  We danced to the same songs over and over again. I wondered if it would ever stop. By the end, I would've agreed to anything due to my pessimistic mind. It would never be how I dreamt it would. I was basically being dragged around my Theo, not even paying attention to my dancing or what was going on around me. I stared off into the distance as we spun around, but it didn't make me dizzy. It sent me into this parallel world that I dreamt of.

  I saw her draped over me, spinning her around my finger. She never took her eyes off of me and we smiled the whole time. She gave me this warm, fuzzy feeling that I never wanted to let go of. Her hand intertwined with mine, even though it was clammy. She could've cared less about it. I smiled at the images and snapped back into the truth.

  She was draped over Victor. They were both giggling quietly. I had become jealous of what they were laughing about. What was so funny? Was he funnier than I? They danced sloppily, then traded it in for a very stiff structured one. Victor pouted his lips, sticking his chin out like a snob. She was crying of laughter, looking at his face.

  I smiled, realizing it was just a joke. They were joking about having to dance and I could relate to them. I nudged Theo at them and he shook his head, looking disappointed.

  "As I said, he's different than me," Theo whispered as we danced.

  "I find his difference quite lovely," I replied.

  "You'd be the only one," he retorted and I shot him a look.

  "I think you're wrong. Clarisse likes him as well just the way he is," I snapped back at him. I wished for Clarisse to notice me over here in dire need of a new dance partner. Even two would be better than Theo. She only just glanced over at me and gave me the same look that made me want to be alone with her.

  The night was winding down and after another meal that I was too full for, they told us we could go entertain ourselves. I just wanted to leave. Things weren't look up for me and I'd have to forget about her eventually. The best thing would've been to start right away, that night. We headed out into the front to a deck that had lamps on the ends. Clarisse kept glancing over at me with lingering looks and I just looked away. Forget.

  What would I do if deep down I didn't want to forget about her? How would I forget then? I never had to deal with something like that and I surely didn't want to have to, ever.

  "It's a beautiful night," Victor said, looking out into the stars. They shined bright. The moon was dimly lit and the sky was empty of clouds. It was the perfect night for watching the stars. Of course, I wasn't too focused on the stars. If only. The men looked over the railing at the edge and I looked over the side by the stairs leading to the grass. I slouched, holding my head up with my shoulder. I could've fallen asleep I was so tired.

  "I could tell you didn't like dancing much," Clarisse whispered next to me and I wished her away, but she stayed.

  "Like I told you. I don't like dancing," I reminded her and she leaned on the railing like me. "Looked like you had fun though."

  "Yes, Victor is a very entertaining man," she started. "He's not like the others."

  "That's how I'd describe myself," I told her and she nudged me.

  "Don't be down Lottie. Tonight is too beautiful to be blue," she reminded me of the pretty night.

  "I thought you were different like me," I whispered still looking at the sky. "I shouldn't trust my own thoughts."

  "What made you think I wasn't?" she asked me curiously.

  "I don't know. You're perfect," I couldn't find the right words.

  "Most people don't think of themselves as perfect even though others think they are perfect. It's just how the world works," she spoke. "I think you're perfect as well."

  I laughed bluntly, "I don't know what I expected from tonight."

  "Well, the night's not over," she gave me a mischievous smile. "Follow me, quietly."

  I watched her look over to the men who were talking amongst themselves with Augustus trying to fit in with them. She waved me to follow her and I slowly followed behind her into the grass. We disappeared behind the red-bricked house. My feet were swelling in the tight heels and I felt like I'd break my ankle in the grass. I saw her taking them off, so I did too. My feet enjoyed the coolness and the dew of the grass. It felt much better.

  We were in the back garden like earlier in the day and it was even better than the front. No lights at all. All the curtains were closed inside, not letting any light or secrets trespass. We walked further and further into the darkness. I was blind to everything. Fireflies lit up the edges of the woods and crickets played songs.

  "I owe you a dance," she said and suddenly she was close to me. I could feel her presence. It sent chills down my spine and goosebumps across my body. 

  "You do?" I questioned and I felt her hand hover over me trying to find me. I broke the barrier and grabbed a hold of her. She laughed.

  "I thought you didn't like to dance?" she questioned.

  "Then why would you want to dance with me if you knew I didn't like it?" I questioned back.

  "Good point," she told me. 

  "Dancing is sometimes better with certain people," I let her know.

  "I wouldn't know," she said.

  "You're killing me," I mumbled under my breath. My eyes started to adjust and I could see the outline of her. I looked down at her and found her hand. We lifted them up in the air and started to dance. We danced differently than we would've in public. Our bodies were too close and hands were to only be on shoulders. Mine was on her waist.

  The moment was perfect and I never wanted it to end. I breathed in the smell of her perfume. It was fruity.

  "I like your perfume," I told her.

  "I like you," she answered.

The night was to be remembered as another perfect night. I forgot about the jealousy I felt and anger because those moments after were worth it.

          Dear Diary,

          I think I need to grow up more. My thoughts are tainted by my young mind and I may not be thinking sanely. I want to grow up so badly. It’s so far away yet so close. I’m practically an adult like my parents. I never imagined growing up. I always thought somehow it would end before I could see it. It was very hard to imagine me as an adult. Maybe that’s how all children see it. Or maybe I’m just different like I always say I am.

            This woman in my head seems to be too good for me. I wonder if she’s actually this person. Of course, she isn’t a woman yet and neither am I. Soon we’ll be. I think people have this image of a woman being beautiful and kind. They picture someone with a certain hair color and a certain body type that is unique to only their mind. Sure some imaginations may be similar, but your mind is all yours. No one else has it and I find this very special. To show your feelings and tell your thoughts to somehow is so casual. Perhaps you say, “I’m unhappy.” People won’t realize the depth of it and won’t realize how much someone trusts someone else to tell them the deep darkness in their mind.

            Like love, which I’ve never felt or at least I don’t think so, it takes a lot to not only say it but mean it. There’s no way of telling if someone actually is being truthful about love. Maybe they want to love you or are trying to. The real crime is the person who deceives to make you think they love you when they truly don’t and only waste your time. I hope I’m never deceived like that.

            Regards,

            Lottie

Once I met Clarisse I started writing more. Especially in my leather journal. I only asked for leather journals as gifts because it had become a tradition to write in them. I loved the feeling of the leather and the brown looked beautiful when it aged. I kept all of them on a shelf next to each other. My own little collection. It was just a part of me. It was my thing.

  When mother told me we got an invitation to the most prestigious ball of the season I didn't know how to react. It seemed like a good thing, especially to her and my father. Everybody there would be wealthy and that was supposedly good for me. I also thought about how it meant I couldn't fool around at all. They were even more strict than the previous one and you could be written on a list for bad behavior. Just like good old St. Nick.

  I thought about the fact that Clarisse would most definitely be there along with Theodore and Victor. It made me feel at unease. I didn't know why. They were good people, but they could get me into some trouble. If my mother heard me say that she would say I shouldn't be associating myself with them then. The thing was that she wanted me to. Besides Clarisse. My mother could probably care less if I didn't see her ever again. How selfish of her.

  I knew my mother was once my age and she went through some of the same things I had gone through. Some things had to have been different. She didn't have this predicament that I had. I wanted to be so carefree and not care about what my parents would say or think, but a tiny bit of me still wanted to please them and I hated that. If I was going to live I would live for myself. I was the one who was going to be stuck with myself for the rest of my life.

  It was the night of the ball and I had received a letter addressed to me from an anonymous person. My mother gave me suggestive looks as she gave it to me. I'm assuming she thought it was from Theodore, but did she ever think it might be from a woman? Of course, she didn't. It was unheard of and I was this weird phenomenon in England never seen before. I wished I wasn't though. I didn't even know exactly what it was or what I was.

  I took the envelope up to my room. I didn't even know if it was a letter yet. I just assumed it was. I sat on my bed covered in a floral light blue quilt. It was a beautiful quilt made by my great-great-grandmother for her child. It's been passed down since and I never thought about the fact that I was supposed to pass it down to my child. Sure I thought about having kids, settling down with a man, but it was just this burden put on me I felt. I wanted this beautiful life, but this Clarisse was starting to alter me into someone I didn't know I was. Sometimes things you think you want your whole life can flicker away because of feelings for another. If only we hadn't met that night.

  I tore open the flap, lifting the red dried ink that held it together temporary like a bandage on a wound. Suddenly the fumes slapped me on the face and I fell back on my bed. I held it close to my nose, inhaling it over and over. The memories rewound in my head and my lips curved upward. I took the piece of paper out and unfolded it. Her writing was neater than mine, but she wrote on off-white paper just like me. I had mentioned writing letters, but I didn't think she'd actually send one to me. I don't know why I doubted her.

  I started to read it.

Dear Lottie,

  I wanted to write a letter to you but didn't know what to write. I suppose you might have an easier time at putting your feelings into words on paper since you write. I'm not like that way. I'm sorry if this letter sounds less personal and more formal business letter because that's what I'm used to. My family got an invite to the Valtor June Ball and I'm thinking you have as well. I hope you get this letter before the ball otherwise it will be useless.

  I'm going to be waiting for you on the back balcony of the house. There's only one in the back so it should be easy to find. There are four floors and it's on the very top. I've been to the Valtor's house because my parents know them and I had plenty of time to explore the house with an older son of theirs. Don't assume anything. I'll be wearing a scarlet red dress. I'll tell my mother I'm feeling sick and I have to use the loo. She's never fond of having to take care of me when I'm sick, so she'll most likely leave me for most of the night.

  You may be wondering why I want to meet you, but what's the fun in telling you? Maybe I shouldn't be flattering myself too much because it's not that big of a deal and I don't want to disappoint. I'd like us to have some alone time and I know it may be hard to have some with all of the people around. I also have something for you and a proposition. Don't be nervous and I look forward to seeing your beautiful smile again.

  Regards,

  Clarisse

  P.S. I hope you enjoy the perfume. It's very expensive you know...

  It was all perfect. The letter was sweet and not too bad of a first try. I wanted to know what she was thinking when she wrote it. When had she written it? I kept re-reading the words trying to see if I missed something. My day was made, but the suspense was killing me. I wanted it to be Saturday already.

  The days did pass even though it was slow. I debated whether or not I should send her a letter. I just didn't know what to say and I didn't have enough to say to put it on paper. My mother kept asking about the letter and I told her it was from Clarisse, thanking me that I had invited her because she really fancied Victor. She bought it and dropped the topic after. I think she might have been bummed it wasn't from Theodore.

  She insisted on picking out my dress and beautifying me for the ball. I knew she'd pick a dress that made me look frumpy and not myself so I declined persistently. I typically never wore makeup anyways and I always put curlers in my hair the night before something special. I was practically an adult. Only a couple more years, I thought. 

  I had wondered about what would come of the night and what we were. We were mere acquaintances to the outside, but what about in the inside? I didn't even know what by definition I'd call us.

  I sat on the stool, staring myself down in the mirror. My face had some breakouts that I couldn't control no matter how much I washed it. My lips were perfectly soft and not chapped like they always seemed to be. My eyes were bright and full of hope for the future while my smile was already grinning of the thoughts. The pessimist in me was jailed for tonight. I thought I might let it out if the ball didn't go well or I might've just kept it blocked out. This night had many things leaning on it and it was becoming the leaning tower of Pisa. 

  My mother walked into my bedroom that was about 15 by 10 feet. It was a good sized room. My walls were painted this light pink and the floors were this dark wood. She stopped behind me and started pulling curlers out of my hair. I could do it by myself but I let her do it anyways.

  "You look darling," she complimented and my lips curved up a little.

  "Thanks," I replied.

  "You like this Theodore do you?" she asked me and I looked at her reflection in the mirror. She was all smiles while she unraveled the curlers gently. How could I disappoint her?

  "Yes, he's a fine young man," I told her.

  "Young? He's older than you Lottie," she reminded me and I nodded.

  "Don't move while I'm taking out the curlers. You need to look perfect tonight. I feel like something special is going to happen," she started and I looked again at the reflection of her in the mirror and she grinned to herself. This terrified me. What was going to happen? If she liked it surely I wouldn't like it.

  The night was just beginning and then she had to spring this on me. We would leave for the ball soon because it was further away than normal. My father was going to come as well. My mother basically forced him, saying it was going to be the most specialist night of his life. I thought about how that night should've been when my parents got married and when they welcomed me into the world. Why would something other than that be so special?

  My blonde curls were neat and laid perfectly over my shoulders and dress. The dress I wore was a royal blue. It looked to be more of a Christmas gown, but I didn't care. My mother didn't say anything negative about the dress when I walked down the curved stairs. Only positive words filled the air.

  "Oh, darling you look magnificent. Doesn't she dear?" she nudged my father and he looked up at me for a quick second then back down at his small book.

  "Yes, she looks as beautiful as you," he replied while looking down at the book. I wondered what he was so entangled in. This was a night that was supposedly going to be the best night of my life and he couldn't care less. That made me think it wasn't going to be. Then I just thought about Clarisse and how I'd meet her and everything would be alright. She would make the night perfect.

  We left after that and it was a quiet ride per usual. Especially since my father was in attendance. He read his little book the whole way. The book didn't even have a title or any words on the back or front. It all seemed so secretive. My mother would occasionally talk to me, saying things like, "you'd make a beautiful bride," and, “he’s so lucky to have you."

  No one had me. No one would ever have me. Her words were disgusting to me. It sounded like I was property, but she said them in such a beautiful way. Was that the trick? To say bad things in such a beautiful way that no one will notice that it is what it is; bad?

  We arrived at the ball and many people were arriving at the same time. Carriages were unable to move because they were all squeezed together. I watched outside and say the Florence family, without the son of course. I guess they had found someone to watch after him. I bet he wasn't having too much fun. I was trying to figure out what I'd tell my parents to have them leave me alone. It seemed like they wouldn't want to leave me because they thought it was going to be such a special night. I hoped that no one would get hurt if what I thought was going to happen was going to happen.

  Finally, we made it to the drop-off and we were let out with help. I wondered if Clarisse already was at the spot. My palms were sweaty and my heart was racing with anxiousness. I was so excited but so nervous for some reason. My mother linked arms with my father and he actually was looking away from his book. Apparently, he had put it away in his jacket pocket. I walked with my head held high as if I were that confident. I had to act the way I wanted to be and then maybe eventually I would become it.

  We walked inside and followed the crowd of people up the grand staircase to the main hall which led to the dining and ballroom. The second floor. I need to go up two more floors to find Clarisse I thought. My mother was looking around frantically, trying to find someone. I didn't know who she was looking for. Then I spotted her. My Clarisse. I saw only the back of her and her hair was pinned up in curls. It was the prettiest thing I had ever seen. I swooned over her until my mother linked her arm in mine and pulled me the opposite way. I looked back and Clarisse didn't.

  I looked to see what my mother was getting so worked up about and the Travistine family was in front of us. Victor looked terrified and Theodore looked happy as can be. I was more of the facade of Victor. Their parents looked like mine. Glowing with happiness and joy.

  "Good evening Romalie's," Lord Travistine spoke.

  "You as well," my mother replied. "I know the children will have a wonderful night tonight."

  "Indeed. I think they will," their father replied and smiled at their mother. It was very weird.

  "Theodore, would you like to accompany Lottie?" my mother asked him.

  "It would be an honor," Theo told her and she let go of me. What was this a trade-off?

  "Don't hurt my Lottie now. She's just a young lady you know," my mother lectured him.

  "Don't worry. I will bring her back safe and sound," he started. "I promise.”

  "Good," my father replied. "Now skedaddle you two."

  Theo left room for me to slide my arm under his to link arms. I hurried and did, so the eyes boring into us would be relieved. It was quite bothersome. My mother waved her fingers goodbye at me and he led me a different way than my parents went. I watched as the Travistine family minus Theodore approached the Florence family. Clarisse was still there and her eyes were bulging as they approached them. The plan was spinning out of control, but I guess others had plans as well. 

  "I heard tonight is supposed to be a full moon," he told me and I was too distracted to care. I watched as Victor took Clarisse somewhere off into the distance. It was saddening. "Lottie? Hello?"

  I looked over at him and his eyebrows furrowed.

  "Are you even listening to me?" he questioned.

  "Of course Theo. There will be a full moon tonight. That's magnificent. I love full moons," I reassured him and he smiled.

  "That's perfect then. I will make this the best night of your life," he told me.

  "Let’s hope tonight isn't the best night of my life. That would be quite depressing," I mumbled, but he didn't answer me. I don't know if he didn't hear me or if he didn’t want to hear me.

  The night went on and it was quite boring. All the guests sat down in the dining hall to a big meal. I had turkey and potatoes. I don't know what Theodore had. I was too distracted. There were so many people around as well. It was pretty scary having all those eyes on me. I hadn't seen Clarisse since Victor pulled her away to somewhere. Where did he take her? Did he kidnap her? Are they eating in here with the rest of us? I started to feel sick as I kept stuffing food into my mouth, not realizing it. My forehead was sweating and I saw sparkles wherever I looked. There was this fuzzy noise deep within my ears and no matter what I did it wouldn't go away. The sensation was terrible.

  Next thing I knew I had passed out in my seat, almost face planting into my dish of food. I didn't remember much after that. I woke up in the loo with a cloth to my face. As my eyes fluttered open I saw her. My beauty. Her eyes were the deep green and her cheeks were rosy. I smiled at her and she did too.

  "You know how to cause a scene, Lottie," she joked and I laughed.

  "What happened? I passed out," I tried to put two and two together.

  "Your mother was too busy to notice what was going on, so I told Theodore I'd take you to the loo to fix you up," she smiled.

  "How kind of you," I told her.

  "I'm a kind friend," she said.

  "What happened with you and Victor?" I asked her, worried. She looked down at her hands, picking at her fingernails. It was silent for a moment.

  "He proposed to me out on the balcony," she told me and it all was happening so fast. My eyes tried to search her to see if she was bluffing, but she looked to be telling the truth. So either that or she had a really good poker face like me.

  "And?" I wanted more information.

  "I said yes. Our parents were watching and he's really a swell guy. I fancy him much," she explained to me and my mouth dropped open. "He told me something about you and Theodore. I think you should look forward to the end of the night."

  "I can't believe you!" I yelled, accidentally standing up too fast and almost falling on my butt. "There is no Theo and me. I don't like him. I thought you didn't like Victor as well. What about last weekend, huh? What happened to that Clarisse?"

  "I don't need any accusations, Lottie. I'm trying to be a good daughter and you aren't helping the cause. You aren't good for me in that way. I really hope we can continue being friends. You are quite lovely, especially when you aren't yelling at me," she voiced and I backed away from her, shaking my head.

  "This is all a dream. I'll wake up tonight and not remember a clue about it," I tried to believe, but I knew it was really happening.

  "I think you should sit down for a while longer then come back out when you're feeling better. I have to get back to Victor," she started, but I stopped her with my words.

  "You said we were different! Victor, you, me... We are different," I started to cry as I said the words. I remembered the beautiful moments of us together.

  "We will be together. All three of us and our differences, but just not you and me like you want. I'm sorry Lottie. Good night," she departed and left without another word. I stood in the stall wiping the tears off my face. My nose was clogged up and I had to breathe through my mouth. I didn't look pleasant.

  I tried to plan out what I would do in my head. The night wouldn't be the best night of my life. They were all wrong. They didn't understand. Theodore was going to propose to me and I didn't know what I was going to say. Would I say no and be alone for the rest of my life or say yes and have to pretend my whole life I'm someone I'm not? Decisions.

  I exited the stall and wet a towel wiping my face off, then patted it dry. My cheeks were red, but it would just look like blush. I blew my nose the last time and went back to the dining hall. I averted my eyes away from the people and just kept looking forward. I told myself no one's looking at you, you're fine.

  I found my way back into the seat next to Theodore. His face was worried. I grabbed a roll from his plate and took a big bite of it.

  "Are you okay? Clarisse--," he started but I interrupted him.

  "I'm great. Just a little stressed," I didn't lie. I was stressed. I was a mix of all these emotions I didn't know how to control or where to put them. They didn't have a place to go.

  "I'm sorry. Hopefully, dessert will help," as he said the words waiters came around with trays full of cakes. A perfectly cut slice of moist double chocolate cake was placed in front of me. My mind drooled over it and I wanted to shove it in my mouth like an animal. Instead of doing that I took a small bite of it with my fork. The rich dark chocolate melted in my mouth causing my taste buds to get excited for more.

  He took a bite too and groaned.

  "Ugh, this is delicious," he said and the man next to him pulled him into a conversation about food. I continued to eat it too fast ending up wanting more. He stopped eating halfway through his and the cake on his plate called to me. 'Eat me!'

  "Are you going to eat the rest of that?" I asked him politely.

  "No, do you want the rest?" he asked and I nodded. He traded my plate with his and I continued to eat more cake. It was probably loaded with calories, but with all the dancing that night I'd burn them anyways. 

  After everyone finished dessert the host made a toast to a night you'll always remember. I thought maybe that was the theme of the ball. Most balls had color related themes, not phrase themes though. After that, we were dismissed to the ballroom. I knew the night would pass by fast if I just enjoyed myself, so I became over exuberant about everything and having fun. Theodore enjoyed it. I didn't want to think about Clarisse and hoped I'd never see her again that way I could forget all about her and her tricks.

  "Shall we dance?" he asked and I took his hand with a snap and pulled him along. He almost dropped his drink. It was a good thing we passed a waiter because he got to set the drink down on the tray.

  The thing was I was leading him on, but my head didn't think about it. I made him think that I was into him while I was falling for another. It was fun and I was getting all the thrills from it. I thought about how I could make my life into this game where I pretend to be someone who I will eventually become. Maybe it could happen, I thought to myself.

  I danced with Theo and acted as if I were like everyone else, but I thought about whether or not I would say yes to marrying the man. He was very attractive and wealthy. He seemed to me like a good friend, but would I want to spend the rest of my life as his wife? That's where the line was drawn. I'd rather spend the rest of my life with Clarisse. I don't know if it's just her or if it's just a one-time thing, but I know I have feelings for her. I would think she'd be lying if she told me that she didn't reciprocate.

  It was nice dancing with him. I usually hated dancing for the most part because I was forced to do it and practiced hours on end when I'd rather be doing something else. Like reading, writing, or riding Butterscotch. My parents didn't care what I wanted to do or what my feelings were. They just cared about themselves. I thought when you had kids you had to think about them first and yourself second, but go ahead and think about yourself first when you don't have kids. That's surely what I'll be doing.

  I noticed Clarisse and Victor dancing their best. Way better than at the house party last weekend and it created this little spark in me, making me want to make her jealous. I waited for the next melody to start and walked around the others dancing with Theodore. He looked confused as to what we were doing. I just wanted to make sure she saw.

  "This is my favorite dance," I lied once the music changed.

  "We better dance then," he smiled and we walked out back onto the floor a couple away from Victor and Clarisse. I was becoming quite a devious child.

  "Don't you just love the stars. They are magnificent," I talked to him, wanting to make sure Clarisse knew I was having a good time.

  "You are as beautiful as the stars," he complimented and I looked away not even feeling anything from it. It was a weird feeling. It was an absence of a feeling I thought I'd get. Clarisse was the opposite.

  "I fancy you too," I told him and he smiled. I batted my eyelashes at him and stared into his eyes.

  "After this dance would you go with me to the balcony?" he asked me and I nodded.

  "I'd love to," I said giggly, hoping I wasn't overdoing it.

  "You know I actually will have to excuse myself. I have to go to the loo," I heard Clarisse say a little too loud. I glanced over at her and she stared me down.

  "Now that I think of it. I have to wee really bad. I'll be back in a minute," I lied and the two men were left clueless. I wasn't so different from them.

  As I walked into the room after her she was applying lipstick in the mirror. I didn't know what to say so I waited, hoping she would say something first.

  "You really are stubborn aren't you?" she asked me still looking at herself in the mirror.

  "I'd like to think I stand up for my beliefs, not so much as stubborn," I replied.

  "Well you are stubborn," she convinced me.

  "Better than being someone who just lays down and rolls over," I shot back at her.

  "Look, I think eventually we will both get over this or figure something out, but for now I think it's best for us both to just leave things alone. You never know, we might just forget all about each other. Just try at least. You can send me letters, but I'm not making any promises," she rambled on.

  "Okay," I told her.

  "I'm not saying you have to marry the man in the process though. My choice was my choice," she left me with those words and I nodded to myself alone in the loo.

  In the back of my mind, I knew I wasn't going to marry him. It just wasn't a me thing to do. I went back to Theo and we found our way back up to the balcony. I knew he was going to propose and it didn't even hit me that it would be odd if they both were going to propose. We stood, looking out over the trees, leaning on the railings. I just stared up at the lit sky due to the full moon. I had a difficult relationship with the full moon. They made the sky so bright you couldn't see the gorgeous stars, but on the other hand, they themselves looked magnificent with the craters.

  "What do you see in your future, Lottie?" he asked me quietly and seriously.

  "I see myself in a quaint cottage secluded from the rest of the world, away from problems. In the back, I would keep my horse that I would go riding on. That's if I get my inheritance though. My parents have to be dead for that. So I'll have to work first. I'd like to be a nanny," I told him and I heard him shifting. Maybe telling the truth stopped him from proposing and maybe it broke his heart that my plans weren't anything like what he wanted. I thought it was for the best, for both of us. I had to do the thinking for not just me, but for others and that scared me a little.

  I was unsure of what my parents would think or say. Was he really going to propose? Would he say anything about what I said? We just went back inside after and departed at the end. I kept quiet about what happened. Everything seemed to be just fine.

           Dear Diary,

           This evening has to be the utmost catalyst of the Summer. Clarisse is being stubborn, yet she is calling me stubborn. She’s basically pointing a red finger at me. I wouldn’t be surprised if she settled down with him and gave up all her life for him. It’s so disgusting. I wish I never met her and hope one day I wake up, not knowing what once was so important to me.

            So starting tonight I will not think of Clarisse. Who is Clarisse? No one. I will never talk to her again. Unless she admits who she is. To my surprise, this will probably never happen. Anyways I won’t bother you any longer for if I continue to write you will only be devastated by my words.

            Good goodbye,

            Lottie

  My parents did, in fact, think that Theodore would propose to me and they said something once we got home. I lied to them about how I had no idea that he was going to and he gave no hints. I didn't think they were mad at me necessarily. I thought they were confused. The rest of the months passed and I talked to Theo on the occasion, but for the most part, he avoided me. I did some avoiding myself. Whenever I went to a ball I steered clear of Clarisse and Victor. They were their own pair. They were very special together and certainly, I didn't want to mess it up for them. Even if I knew something wasn't like all the others.

  Winter had gotten into full swing by Clarisse and Victor's wedding day. You could say I didn't think they would actually go through with it, but they did. It was the best for both of their families and would be a win for both of them. My family was invited. I was unsure if Clarisse wanted me there or Victor.

  I had only been to one wedding in my life. My aunt on my mother's side was finally getting married as my mother put it. Apparently, she was in her 40's and put off getting married to be a governess. The event was strung out and boring. The vows were cheesy and too many prayers were said for my taste. I had to have been at least five to have remembered it. I had hoped that their wedding wouldn't be like the only one I remembered, but it was probably most definitely going to be like what I remembered.

  The ceremony was to be held at 10 am. This I didn't understand. Why did they need to interrupt my beauty sleep? I was already going to the darn thing. After the hour-long marriage, we'd gather into the dining hall to eat. Then we'd dance all day. It sounded better on paper because when I started to think about actually standing around for that long it was torture. I thought her of all people would understand.

  The snow was falling from the cloudy sky at high rate speeds. It would stack over the roads causing major travel issues. During the winter there was a whole other set of jobs available for people willing. The longest hours being of those who would scrape the dirt roads clear of snow and ice. They would put more dirt over it too, but sometimes accidents happened due to a slip on the hidden ice. The statistic was about 1 in billions and it only happened every few years. I only remembered one person dying through the winter from a carriage crash. It's quite sad to think that life could end so abruptly due to something so little and lifeless as ice.

  I was curious as to why they had the wedding during the winter. Most people wouldn't want to go out on the roads if they didn't need to. My mother was hesitant at first of going to the wedding because of the Travistine family. Even though the father and her had been acquaintances, she was distraught still about Theodore not proposing to me. I thought she was disappointed and she was. My father changed her mind about not going. I had a theory that a woman he wanted to see would be there. I didn't care what he did with other women because it was none of my business. I had mixed feelings about all of his affairs and how my mother still didn't know a clue about it. Of course, maybe she did and I just didn't know. All the more to stay to myself.

  The day of the wedding was very beautiful. There was actually some sun peeking out behind the clouds. It made this cute little ray of sunshine down onto the snow. It made it sparkle and melt a little. It wasn't windy and it seemed to be the perfect day. The roads were cleared on time and when we left all was sound.

  We were dressed in formal attire and of course, no one wore white. I was wearing red and so was my mother. I didn't like that we were matching. My father, like all the other men, was wearing black or maybe it was on the grayscale. We were dropped off at the church that all of our towns went to. The religious folk anyway. Everybody had long coats on covering their attire. We all looked like bundled up sheep. Speaking of sheep, during the winter my father's business always slowed down during the winter. His animals couldn't keep up with all the people demanding for meat and dairy when the weather slowed the product down.

  I noticed my mother applied too much makeup. It drowned out her face and made her look sub pare. Maybe even clown-like, I hate to say. Me on the other hand, I had no makeup on to cover up the dark circles under my eyes. I never did, but usually, it went away with the day. The door was being held open, dumbly, by a man who had cigars sticking out of his jacket. He was letting in all the cold air into the church we'd have to sit in. It was agitating me quite a bit. I wanted to shut it and tell him off, but that wouldn't happen. When we passed him, going inside, he smiled down at me with jagged teeth and a snarl on his face. He didn't look very pleasant. I wondered what his business here was. Was he related? Did he have relations with the church? If he did he should've known that the church was just a magnified ice box, especially when you left the door open.

  When we walked inside there were lots of people just standing around. I wondered what the holdup was. I wanted the line to move along and find a seat. I was freezing and my patience was wearing thin. I had hoped that I wouldn't get my bubble burst and have a break down on someone else's wedding day. It would've been embarrassing. I leaned against the wall and some people were actually fanning themselves. I stared at them in awe. How could they be fanning themselves in a room this cold? My eyes were huge and I felt a tap on my shoulder. I turned around and my face continued to heat up in anger from the whole situation. It was Theodore. He was actually smiling, but maybe he was happy that his brother was getting married.

  "Hi," he greeted me.

  "Nice day huh?" I questioned sarcastically. I didn't care much anymore.

  "Not really. The weather is getting worse by the minute. It was sunny just an hour ago," he rambled on for too long for my patience. I exhaled and he got closer to me.

  "Do you mind," I said quietly not wanting my parents to realize he was there. He just smiled like I was being funny. I backed up a little.

  "Would you care to dance with me tonight?" he asked me.

  "I'd rather not. I just want to be friends with you, Theo. I don't see you like that," I told him and he sighed.

  "My father is watching. I had to. I'm sorry," he apologized and I smiled. I was glad that it wasn't him talking. It was just his father.

  "Am I really that special?" I questioned him.

  "My father seems to think so," he shrugged and I laughed turning around, crossing my arms.

  "My brother has told me something," I turned back around wanting to hear what he had to say.

  "And?" I pushed him further for more.

  "Can I trust you?" he asked.

  "I'm surely not telling anyone. Just don't talk too loud," I whispered to him and he stood closer, leaning against the wall with me.

  "He's marrying her just for our father. He was very fond of her at the dinner at our estate. I think he feels forced to do it because he already is slightly disappointing him. I feel bad because I feel for him. I'm going through the same thing," he told me. What was I supposed to do about that? Oh, that's right, I couldn't do anything about it.

  "I don't know what you expect me to do with that knowledge," I replied, trying to force him out of my bubble by looking away.

  "I just thought you should know," he looked sad. I didn't pity him though. I had trouble with that sometimes.

  "I don't know why you assumed I needed to know that. I was perfectly fine before knowing," I made an excuse.

  "I'll pretend like that's true. I hope you have a good day Lottie," he departed back to his father that was watching from afar. It felt creepy in a way.

  It felt like hours until we finally sat down. In reality, it was only 10:01. That seemed pretty good for a wedding. I looked around me and all the rows were filled with people. Chatter filled the echoing room and Victor walked down the aisle. It was like no one paid attention when he walked down. Then finally soft music started playing. I turned around and watched women and men linked by arms, walking down the aisle towards the groom. There were four women and four men. A little girl appeared with her little brother, Augustus, and they walked together. He was the ring bearer and she was the flower girl, dropping rose petals.

  Then the music got louder and changed to the classic wedding melody. I looked back to the church doors and two men opened them on each side. Everybody stood for the bride. She walked with her arm linked with her father's. She looked magnificent. It's like she had this glow. She looked like a princess, but she wasn't my princess.

  Her dress was covering most of her. It was all lace and had an extremely long veil that acted as her train. She had slightly more makeup on and her cheeks looked almost red. She kept her eyes concentrated on Victor. It all looked so real. How could it not be? Perhaps Theodore was lying to me. Maybe my life was all a game and someone in a different world was playing me. Or maybe I was a play in a different world and crowds of people were clapping for me. I'd never know.

  The whole hour was very generic. It could've been just a plain old wedding I happened to be at. The vows weren't personal and they sounded like they were from a book. They sounded dead as they recited the words from the pieces of paper. This made me sad. I wondered how everything else was going to play out. Was it going to be the same boring wedding reception after?

  The end ended like every other ceremony, with a kiss. They all clapped, but me. I didn't feel bad about it. I wasn't going to celebrate something that they didn't want. I just saw these two people who wanted to be nowhere near what was happening. He wanted to be back in college writing. I didn't really know exactly what she wanted. She wanted freedom and the ability to do whatever she pleased. Just like me.

  After they walked back down the aisle hand in hand it was time to head down to the basement. Or the ballroom. It was huge and light inside even though most basements aren't. They still managed to fit plenty of windows in. Maybe because it was built on a sloped hill.

  People cheered and clapped for them and I just wanted to get the night over with. I hoped we wouldn't stay that long anyway. No way my parents would want to stay longer than needed. I would personally love some cake, but nothing else.

  We walked down the set of stairs. All the people were crammed into the hallway leading down and it looked scary. It was almost like it was a haunted house and not a wedding. We finally got into the main room and I saw the cook. It was three tiers with lots of white flowers surrounding it. There were little round tables around the perimeter of the dance floor.

  I followed my family over to the buffet table. There was an arrangement of many different types of foods. Savory and sweet. I went for a light savory meal of turkey and cranberry sauce with potatoes and greens. My parents kept walking down the line for the buffet table, but I decided to go find a seat before they were all taken. I grabbed a tea on the way over to a table I had insight. It was in the corner and I could see the whole room from there.

  I sat down and exhaled quietly. It would be over before I knew it. I started stuffing my face and I say Victor and Clarisse walk down the stairs. They raised their arms and people whistled and cheered again. It was all too loud for my tastes. Piano music started playing and they went through the buffet table. Many people were surrounding them, congratulating them and talking to them. I was jealous, but it was an odd feeling. I didn't want that, yet I still felt jealous. I didn't know what my brain was thinking.

  My parents found their way over to the table I sat at. I was waiting for them and waved at them once I spotted them. They sat down with their plates overflowing of food and I gave them weird looks.

  "Don't make that face sweetie. You don't want wrinkles," she assured me and my eyes rolled inside my mind. "What a beautiful ceremony."

  "It sure was," my father agreed.

  "What did you think darling?" she asked me.

  "It was a wedding," I said and my dad chuckled quietly.

  "I didn't know we had a smart mouth as a child," my mother mumbled and my father watched us bicker like it was entertainment.

  "It's not my thing I guess," I told her and she stayed silent. Victory.

  Both of them danced the whole day after eating. I sat in the corner the whole by myself watching everyone. I probably looked like a weirdo. I didn't really care though. I wanted to be alone. My parents danced too and I kept my eyes averted from them. I found it gross.

  They cut the cake at three and people took a break from dancing to eat it. I was not going to miss out on the cake for sure. That was what I was looking forward to the whole time. I got in line with all the other people and then noticed that Clarisse and Victor were slicing the cake and passing them out. I'd have to face them.

  My heart beated fast as the line continued to shorten and I moved up. What would I say? Would they say anything? I tried to calm myself down, but it only got worse. Next thing I knew I fell to the ground and I heard a slight echo of voices and gasps.

  My eyes flashed open and I squinted from the bright light. I tried to sit up and I felt a hand on my arm.

  "Don't stand up too fast," a girl warned me. I looked over to the voice and it was Clarisse.

  "We need to stop meeting like this," I laughed.

  "You don't think I know this already," she agreed. I rubbed my forehead with my fingers trying to massage the pain out of it. "Do you like my dress?"

  I looked over at her and she lifted the bottom, twisting it around. She was perfect no matter what. She looked down at me and smiled. Why did she have to make it so hard for me?

  "Ugh, don't give me that face," I look down, shaking my head.

  "Am I that unpleasant to look at?" she slumped on the floor a little way away from me.

  "No, you're beautiful. The dress is great," I convinced her.

  "You haven't danced all night," she reminded me like I didn't know.

  "You'd be correct," I answered her.

  "I'll dance with you. Just once. If you'd like of course," she offered.

  "This day is all about you. I don't want you to do me any favors," I said.

  "It would be my pleasure," she smiled and stood back up. I watched her as she twirled around the room like a little girl. She would be a great ballet dancer. "Come on. Stand up. Dance with me."

  I groaned as I stood up, sounding like an old grouch. She took my hand and we spun around. She giggled loudly and my smile wouldn't disappear. I thought about how we wouldn't do this ever again. It was almost like a farewell. Maybe she pitied me. I'd never know because she wouldn't confess to it otherwise. She was too nice to do that. It's like she wanted to control everything for a moment. To do what she actually wanted to do instead of getting wed with a man. The rest of her life would be this lie, but she had this second. This memory.

  I grabbed her finger and held it high twirling her around. She faced me after spinning a few times and wrapped her arms around my shoulders. The lace of her dress was itchy. I didn't get how she dealt with it. There was a strand of hair stuck on her lips and it was quite bothersome. I wiped it away and tucked it behind her ear.

  "I hope he treats you well," I told her.

  She leaned her head on me and whispered, "he's a gentleman, but he's not you."

  The moment was so innocent and peaceful. I hoped we could stay there forever. Just her and me in each other’s arms.

  "Please do send me letters," she told me.

  "As long as you answer. I don't want to be writing to a wall," I grinned as I said it. She made a funny face that resembled an offended one.

  "You think I'm a wall?" she laughed and I shook my head.

  "I really hope there's cake left. I was looking forward to it," I confessed to her.

  "You were so excited that you passed out," she made fun of me, but I didn't mind. "They're going to wonder why it's taking so long."

  "No one cares that I've passed out, huh?" I questioned and she shrugged.

  "Guess not," she said sarcastically.

  "Just a second longer," I complained, standing in front of the door. "Please."

  "We'll see each other again. Know that there's more to us than this sappy short friendship," she sounded wise like an old soul. Even if we didn't see each other again maybe one day our souls would find each other.

  I wanted the moment where we laid under the stars back again. It was gone and I never would feel that again. It would just be a distant hum of ache in me. I hoped she knew how much I cared for her. We hugged and her warmth comforted me. The smell of roses and her perfume mixed beautifully. My hatred for her was in the back of my head because she was fessing up to what she really felt and wanted, but soon it would be back to normal again.

  "Now, let me get you some cake and then I'll set you free," she told me. I didn't want to be set free from her. I wanted her to keep me as her own.

  "Okay," I responded, not wanting to defy her. She didn't deserve me making it harder for her.

  I opened the door for her and we both walked out. I felt paranoid about eyes being on me, but I tried to distract myself with her. I kept my eyes trained forward to the location we were going. There were a few pieces of cake left thank goodness. She cut into it and balanced it onto the fragile plate. The china was white with floral patterns as the border.

  "Thank you," I said and she nodded.

  "I'll see you again," she reassured me and I left to the table I sat at before. My parents weren't sitting down like most of the people at the reception. Most were dancing and chatting, standing about the floors. I sat in the peaceful corner and bit into the cake. It was a tad bit dry, but I didn't mind. I just made sure to get an even amount of frosting with each bite. I wasn't that picky about cake anyways.

  I made sure to pace myself when eating it so I'd keep myself busy. If I chewed slow enough I'd finish by the time we would leave. Of course, as the food kept dwindling and the party went on I started to worry. The music stopped for a minute for someone to speak.

  "I'd like to make a toast to the happy newlyweds. I am the father of the bride and I'm as happy as can be on this fine winter day. When Clarisse was a little girl she was so stubborn about becoming the woman she is today, but look how much she has grown. You are so special to me sweetheart and I'm sure your as happy as me. I'm glad you found a man that deserves you and I hope you'll be as happy as your mother and I," her father said and his wife joined his side soon after, getting teary-eyed.

  I still had mixed feelings about the couples that acted so much different than mine. Were my parents not happy? Why had they gotten married in the first place if not? I was someone quick to assume things and that was a flaw, but I liked trying to piece things together. Like I was a spy trying to solve a crime. My guess was that I was just too curious for my own good. 

  A few more people on both sides of the family had speeches prepared and some were far too long to keep my attention to. As I started getting bored, I looked around the room looking for other things to fix my attention to. That's when I noticed a woman staring at me. She had raven hair and was shorter than all the others. I wondered how she knew the families. She looked very different than all the others. Not a single other person in the room had black hair. Maybe it was a random gene. It was none of my business, but she still stared at me. This made me so much more interested in my theories.

  The speeches ended and I was getting antsy. There were no clocks in my view and it still wasn't dark outside. The skies were just filled with clouds. Before I knew it the woman was standing in front of me.

  "Hello," she greeted me with a slight smile.

  "Nice to meet you," I replied.

  "May I sit?" she asked me and I nodded. "My name is Aria by the way."

  "I'm Lottie," I told her.

  "I saw you pass out earlier. Are you okay?" she asked and I laughed.

  "Yes, I'm fine," I assured her.

  "How do you know the family?" she interrogated me.

  "I'm friends of Clarisse and the twins, Victor and Theo," I informed her and she reminded me of myself.

  "That makes sense. I'm a distant cousin of the Travistine's," she let me know. "I haven't come with anyone, so it's very quiet for me."

  "I came with my parents. They are occupied though," I started. "You can talk to me if you'd like."

  "Thank you. I've actually never seen anyone pass out before, so it was scary," she informed me.

  "I've passed out a few times before. I'm perfectly fine. Just too many things going on inside my mind," I joked and she laughed.

  "So, tell me about yourself," she began and we talked a lot after.

  After a while, my parents came around and I had to say goodbye to Aria. She was very entertaining for me and I'm glad we met. I'm sure we'll never talk again, but that's okay. Sometimes it's best for some people to only get a quick glimpse into your life to teach you something that you wouldn't have known otherwise. I'm not sure what she taught me though. Maybe just that. That it's okay some people don't stay in your life, so you may learn a lesson.

  A few other families left along with us, getting the okay to leave. My parents babbled on and on about other families that they talked to. Yet I didn't say a peep about Aria or the people I talked to, even though I can count it on one hand. 

  "Your wedding will be even more magnificent than your friends. I'll make sure of it," my mother assured me and I just kept my eyes out the window to avoid her.

  "I think we've all had too much wedding talk today," my dad said and I smiled to myself. Sometimes he made me happy. I just wished it was more than once in a lifetime.

  Once we arrived back home I decided to write to Clarisse. I had so much I wanted to write and tell her even though I thought I didn't. There's just so much I feel like I can't say aloud to her, but I could write it. I just needed a clean slate. Some inspiration for the words I had to say. She gave me them.

Dear Clarisse,

I'm writing this the night after I left your wedding. I finally know what I can say. You do leave me speechless from your beauty inside and out. I think you deserve so much more than you get and I hope one day you'll get it. Perhaps one day I'll be able to show you how I feel for you in person. Especially without passing out in fear of how perfect you are in my eyes. You are intimidating, but not in a macho, scary way. It's just that you've become this person in my head that is so special and so out of reach for me that I just get so nervous around you.

I'm thinking I'll start to look for a job of some sorts soon. I'd like to have something to occupy my time with. I'm always so bored here. Plus, I wouldn't have to worry so much about my parents nagging me about men. I'm not sure how they'll react if and when I go. What if they force me to stay? Can they? I wish I could be with you forever. When we touch I never want to let go. This feeling invades me and I forget all the bad things. You are so... see you leave me speechless. I can't describe this feeling as good as I wish I could. I've never felt it before and I'm sure I never will.

I wish you luck with Victor even if you don't love him as most couples do. I think love comes different than just putting two in one room. You've got to have this special connection and feelings that you don't feel often. Of course, how would I know what love is? Maybe love is just an illusion to hide from all the world's problems. Anyways, I'd be fine if you were my distraction from a disaster. You make me smile even when you aren't with me and I hope you the best. Even if we never speak again.

Regards,

Lottie

  I waited to send the letter until I had the ability to go into town. I didn't know when she'd get it or if it would get lost in the mail, but I just felt this weight lifted off of me once I did. I wondered if she felt the same when she sent my letter. I felt like I was becoming a woman I'd love to be. It was all happening so fast and I needed to catch up with time itself to feel it all.

It was hard having to think about Clarisse with Victor. I'd just picture them together and get repulsed by it. One thing that was even more outrageous was finding out that she was pregnant. I couldn't imagine her carrying a baby and it was weird to think of her caring for a baby. She seemed too free-spirited to have something else hold her down. I'm not saying babies are bad, but I just can't see her being a mother.

  We had traded a few letters before me finding out about the pregnancy. She was talking about Victor going back to university. He had a winter break during the wedding and he had to go back. It was nice seeing a glimpse into her life that I was such a little part of. I couldn't interfere physically, but I could mentally.

Dear Lottie,

  Victor found us a house before he went back to university. Of course, it is kind of scary having to be all alone in the house though. The house has many rooms that are empty besides ours. He has his own dorm room where he is that he shares with another man. I'm thinking he's missing sleeping in the big bed and having all the free space. We are sending letters back and forth just like you and me.

  I was trying to decide what kind of party I wanted to hold to show others our new house. I could do a dinner party or we could have tea. Victor suggested asking for housewarming gifts. I think I'd feel bad to ask for anything, but it would be nice to have things to fill the home. Most of it is empty even the living room and offices. Currently, I'm very bored stuck at home all day. I have nothing to do. Exactly why I need to have a party.

  Of course, you would be invited. Along with my parents, my little brother, and some friends and family. I can already feel the judgment from my parents now due to me not having much host experience. I'm guessing you don't either. I'm thinking maybe mid-February to mid-March.  I need time to plan to make sure everything is perfect. I can't believe it's already a new year. I haven't thought about my birthday much and I don't know if my family is planning anything or if I'll want to anyway. I'm starting to feel old. Plus, you'll be younger than me for a couple months.

  I'm sure the next letter from me will also include an invite to my party and I hope you can come. Maybe I should get a dog or a cat to keep me company. Or perhaps you should come over more. Or at all. You are welcome to.

Regards,

Clarisse

  I had been busy with my schooling at home during the week. I was still being taught about things. From reading to languages and dancing. I hadn't even thought about going to her house to see her. Of course, I didn't know that she had her own house yet. Surely it wasn't my fault and she wouldn't think me rude of not coming to her house until later.

  She started stamping her letters with the dates of when she wrote them. It was easier to keep track of them that way and I liked the idea, so I started to do it too. Surely enough a few weeks later I received another letter from her with an invitation inside. All the while hiding it from my parents as I started to collect the mail instead of them to make sure they wouldn't see it.

  The party would be a quaint tea party with some snacks. There would be some light dancing provided piano music by Augustus. She also included a little note at the bottom saying she would accept any housewarming gifts for the occasion. I wondered what people got for housewarming gifts. Money would be good. It pays the bills. I didn't know much about bills besides that you had to pay them using lots of your money.

  After I found out when the party would take place I needed to start planning for my excuses for the night. It would last from 3pm-6pm. It wasn't that long of a party. It was quite short, but I wondered if I'd be able to stay alone with her to actually enjoy my time instead of faking it in front of other guests.

  So maybe until eight just in case. I'd have to ask my parents for permission to go alone. There was the problem my parents couldn't go with me otherwise it would be too small of a party and I couldn't have alone time with Clarisse. I could have just not mentioned the party and just snuck out. That would be my plan. I'd simply tell my parents that I don't feel well so I'll be in my room all day. Then by three o'clock, I would have convinced them I'm asleep and they shouldn't wake me up. My plan was a go.

  And so the day ensued. As I woke I heard my parents in the kitchen, cooking breakfast. I'd stay in bed still and eventually they would come upstairs to call me down, but then I'd be "sick". It was hard to fall back asleep, so I had to stare up at the ceiling the whole time until eventually, someone knocked on my door. My mother opened the door and I yawned, looking up at her.

  "Breakfast is ready," she told me about to leave.

  "I'm not feeling hungry. My stomach aches," I lied and she walked inside, then sat on my bed.

  "Do you feel like you may throw up?" she asked me.

  "Not now, but when I woke up I felt like it," she put her hand over my forehead and I closed my eyes.

  "You do feel a little warm. Would you want me to bring up your food?" she offered.

  "I think I just need to sleep," I told her and she nodded.

  "Of course," she stood. "I'll check on you in a bit."

  She smiled at me as she shut the door and I flailed my head back in relief. Now I just needed to fall asleep for as long as I could to make sure I was in character. It seemed like hours of me just lying in bed and suddenly my mother opened the door again. I saw her trying to be quiet. I looked over at her and she was carrying a cup full of steaming tea.

  "I thought you'd like some tea. Maybe it will help," she started, sitting it down next to me on my nightstand. "Your father and I were invited to a potluck at the church today, but I didn't know if you wanted us to go or not. We could stay home if you'd like."

  "No, don't worry about me. I don't want to stop you from having fun. I'll be fine," I said.

  "Okay. I'll tell your father. We'll leave at two and we'll be back around seven or eight. The children have been working on a few plays we'll watch and the choir will sing for us," she informed me. The new plan was perfect. The carriage would be home in time for me to hitch a ride to Clarisse's house and I wouldn't need to worry a thing about being caught. It might have been too good to be true.

  "That's nice. I'm sorry I have to miss it," I whimpered.

  "Don't feel bad. I'm sure you'll feel better by tomorrow," she hoped and I took a sip of the tea. She left and a half an hour later I heard the carriage take off. I jumped up and checked out the window to make sure of it. I was right and the carriage was off. I needed to get ready quick.

  I had to do something with my hair to make it look better. I hadn't put curlers in the previous night. I ended up sticking pins in it to hold it up. I dressed in a semi-formal gown without gloves. Then I needed to think of a gift I could give her. I could do a fruit basket or a care package. Maybe flowers from the back garden.

  I got a basket and filled it with washed vegetables and fruits from the garden. Then I found an assortment of wildflowers and tied them together with a bow strand to make a bouquet. I hoped she would have a vase to put them in. I put the flowers inside the basket and put on my pearl necklace I forgot. It was my favorite.

  Then as I waited for the carriage to arrive back home I read from one of my books in the bay window. Romeo and Juliet was one of my favorites. It reminded me of Clarisse and me.

  I heard horses neighing, so I looked over and saw the carriage. I grabbed a couple pounds in hand from my piggy bank to bribe the man with and headed downstairs. I grabbed the basket and flowers then went outside. It was 2:43. I waved the man down and he stopped the horses.

  "Lady Romalie told me you would be in bed sick," he started, but I waved him off.

  "Enough, I have somewhere to be. Take me," I said and held up money for him to see.

  "You think a couple of pounds will make me go behind your parents’ back?" he asked and I started to worry, but he just laughed. "I'm just pulling your leg! Hop in sweet cheeks!"

  I got inside the carriage with the gifts and watched outside the window. It was happening, I smiled. I'd finally see her again. My mind wandered off to faraway places with Clarisse.

  "Excuse me miss," I suddenly woke up and saw the man holding the door open for me. He cleared his throat and I took his hand to get out. "Don't forget your belongings."

  "Thank you. I'm eternally grateful," I told him, holding the gifts close to me.

  "Yeah, yeah. When should I come back around to take you home?" he asked.

  "Six," I answered and he shut the door.

  "I'll be here. Don't make me wait long," he said and I nodded goodbye.

  I hurried to the front door of the beautiful home that was definitely humble for most of our rankings tastes. I loved it though. It was somewhere in between a cottage and a traditional home. There were rose bushes under the front windows. I smelled the flowers I picked and watched the front door. I saw movement through the painted glass, then the door opened and I saw Clarisse.

  "Lottie!" she squealed, pulling me into a tight hug.

  "I hope I'm not late. I had to sneak a ride here," I whined and she pulled back.

  "Of course not. Just in time. Everybody else is getting here at four. I edited your invitation to make sure we could chat," she confessed. "Oh, come on in."

  She laughed at herself and moved aside, so I could walk in. I looked around the house and examined the decorations. I held out the flowers to her and she smiled big.

  "For you my lady," I bowed and she walked away.

  "Thank you. I'll have to put these in a vase. If I have one," she rambled.

  "Are you okay? You seem a little off," I started as I followed her into the kitchen.

  "I'm wonderful," she assured me while looking through the cabinets.

  "We can just sit down," I suggested and she looked up from the floor at me.

  "Okay, yeah," she accepted my suggestion. I set the fruit and vegetable basket on the counter.

  "I brought you produce too," I added.

  "Looks fresh, thank you," she appreciated the thought.

  I followed her back into the formal living room. It could have been the only living room, but it did look formal.

  "So how have you been? What have you been up to?" she questioned me.

  "Well same old. Just boring stuff like dancing and etiquette lessons," I informed her.

  "I'm glad I don't have to sit through those anymore," she agreed with my feelings.

  "I'm thinking I should get a job and move out," I voiced and she had a surprised expression.

  "On that note, I actually have to tell you something," she started and she got this nervous look to her.

  "Okay, whatever it is I won't freak out as much as you look nervous," I tried to calm her down.

  "Well, it's possible that I'm pregnant," I heard from her lips and I just watched her talk without hearing her. It was all so confusing. I didn't want to imagine her that way and it scared me. Imagine how scary it was for her if I was scared.

  "That's some big news," I smiled nervously.

  "You don't hate me do you?" she asked. How could I tell her that? I didn't hate her. I just started to see her in a different light that wasn't like how I'd seen her previously. It wasn't hate.

  "No, I'm surprised," I corrected her.

  "I'm not positive though. I'm going to wait and see until I tell my family and other friends," she told me. "I was actually thinking that maybe you'd like to spend more time with me."

  "Of course I want to spend more time with you," I agreed.

  "I think you should move in here. There's enough room and Victor won't mind. I already mentioned you to him," she talked. "Of course it's up to you and I know this is all of a sudden. And if I am pregnant I'd like you to be the nanny. Surely my child would grow up well with you taking care of them."

  "This is all very ... new to me," I started. "I don't even know what to say."

  "We'll pay you too," she added like that would change my mind. I hadn't even made up my mind. I didn't know what to think of the news she sprung on me. I'd need to sleep on it. "And Victor he knows about me and you."

  "What about me and you? Have we even labeled anything? What did you tell him?" I berated her with questions.

  "You know. I just told him that we've had feelings for each other," she said and my heart started beating fast.

  "Do you know what they could do to us? Why would you tell him? He's going to blab his mouth and tell the whole town!" I lashed out and she grabbed my shoulders and stopped me from moving.

  "Look, he's told me things too and he promised to keep it to himself as long as I keep his secrets to myself. Trust me he gets us and that's all you need to know. He's different like you thought," she said in a hushed voice like I was a child.

  "I feel like this was a bust. I didn't expect today to go like this," I confessed.

  "Well what did you expect to happen?" she asked me.

  "Not this. You would be the last person I thought would get pregnant," I voiced.

  "Well, I'm sorry to disappoint," it looked like I upset her. I just didn't know what to do about it. I couldn't do anything about it. "I understand if you don't want to stay."

  "I'll stay," I answered her and she nodded, standing up from her seat heading towards the kitchen. I stayed put and she came back with a tray of food.

  "Help yourself," she offered, sitting the tray on the table in front of the sofa.

She sat at the piano in the corner that was sat up against the wall and started to play a sweet melody. Why would she need me to help her take care of her baby anyway? If she was bored now surely she would have nothing to do if I was taking over her duties. Maybe she wanted to busy herself with something else.

My mind didn’t question if maybe she wanted to spend time with me. Why didn’t I question that? I was being so hard on her for nothing. She loved me, but all my thoughts were consumed of her in the nude tangled up with Victor. I was upset by this and didn’t think about the reasoning that might have been behind her pregnancy.

  The evening was just as listed on the invitation besides the first hour. Augustus was excited to see me and he wanted to dance with me so I did. It was a fun night and nothing was spoiled.

  "I wish you came around more. I miss you," Augustus told me. "You're really fun you know."

  I thought it would be weird if I only saw Augustus. He was less than half my age it seemed, but he was a good kid. He meant well and he didn't understand the bigger problems in life. I guess that's why I enjoyed kids so much. Augustus mentioned the wedding and it made me think about Victor and Clarisse. They didn't belong like a couple, but they could work as I pair I guess.

On the other hand, I wondered if she had been happy with him. This made me upset because I wanted her to be happy with me, but we were living in a day where it couldn't happen. I shouldn't blame her for that. She just wants a normal life.

After going back home and slinking back under my sheets to get back into the character of my sickly self I started to feel bad. My mind was cloudy and I needed to sleep before making any big decisions. The wind of the cold evening whistled me to sleep even though the sky hadn’t fully blackened yet.

Knock! Knock!

My door opened and I saw my mother. My eyes squinted as I looked at her and she made a sorrowful look. I rubbed the crust out of my eyes and she sat on the side of my bed. Her icy fingers traced over my hot forehead and sure enough, I was starting to actually feel sick.

“Oh, Lottie. It looks as if you’ve only gotten worse. I’ll get the governess to whip up something for you,” and with that, she stood up and left. I yawned big and pulled the light string on my lamp down to light it up. Even though my body felt sick and my stomach was turning, my mind was somewhere else. It was good. Finally, the clouds had surpassed and I’d be able to give an answer and I couldn’t help but smile at the thought of living with the very person I daydream about having a future with. I never thought it would be possible, but it was.

I got up slowly off my bed to grab my current journal where I’d write a letter to the one and only beautiful Clarisse. As I dipped the feather pen in the ink and started moving the point across the page I could see it all. My future unfolding right in front of me and it was so easy to see.

            Dear Clarisse,

            Oh how much I regret for making you feel less than what you truly are tonight. I’m truly sorry for making you think that your dirty and not the same person I knew. You are everything to me and my mind was a rye today. I’ve had time to think and how right it feels in this moment to write to you and tell you how honored I’d be to live in your home pregnant or not.

            No matter what I will stay by your side and I can’t believe my actions. I think what you mean with Victor is that he fancies a man as I fancy you. I guess I just keep seeing him as this man who wants nothing but a woman like all the men I’ve seen. I guess the twins are really just trying to stay in the linear just like you and me. I’d rather not do that and don’t try as hard. I’m sorry if I’ve hurt any relationships in the process of my doings. I’m happy you and Victor are happy the way your relationship is. I see you as a beautiful blooming red rose amongst all these other roses and yet to others you appear the same, but to me, there’s a clear difference. You are brave and strong and I’d love to be the nanny to your child.

            If I need to face my parents to be with you I will. I’ll do anything to be with you, Clarisse. Anything and everything because you are my everything and anything. I’ve found out I have a fever and after it’s gone I’ll be at your doorstep, waiting for you. Again, I’m sorry and hope we can put it behind us.

            Love,

            Lottie

            P.S. If you didn’t seem to notice, yes, I purposefully changed regards to love because… You’ll have to wait until I see you again beautiful. Okay. Goodbye.

  My cheeks blush under the starlit sky on the middle of Clarisse’s porch. It’s been a couple weeks since I’ve sent the letter and my fever and stomach ache has gone away completely. I wanted to make sure I was in the best condition before I went to see her. I finally knock on the door and wait silently, swaying my body back and forth, hugging myself, protecting from the cold. I was excited that the weather would soon be that of the Spring. The snow was completely gone but the windy days and chilly nights hadn’t dissipated quite yet.

  A light flickered on and I saw the silhouette of Clarisse behind the stained glass of the wooden door. I waited as the door opened and I finally saw her. Her eyes still as green as the emeralds in my mother’s jewelry that she keeps hidden away. Her hair had faded curls that laid on her chest and shoulders perfectly. Her voice interrupts my gaze off her.

  “Do you know what time it is Lottie?” she asked me and I heard the sarcastic hint in her tone. I smile big and throw my arms over her shoulders pulling her into a hug.

  “Ugh, I missed you so much,” I whispered in her ear, squeezing my eyes shut tight.

  “I missed you too,” she whispered back and I breathe in her perfume that I’ve forgotten how pleasant it smells. Oh, how much you take things for granted. Even things as simple as the scent of a rose perfume.

  “What do you bathe in this stuff?” I thought of jokingly aloud. Our bodies separated and she looked confused.

  “What?” she asked.

  “The perfume. It’s so strong,” I laughed and she smiled.

  “No! I just put a little on in the morning and before I go out anywhere and before I go to bed. Simple science,” she informed me.

  “Well I miss that too,” I told her. Her robe was falling off her one shoulder and I saw goosebumps.

  “Looks like you brought your whole bedroom with you,” she joked.

  “Nope, only the important stuff,” I said and she helped me grab a couple of my bags. She held the door aside for me to walk in and the warmth of the furnace swept over my body like a heat wave. I set the bags down on the floor as she shut the door and locked it. I flailed my head back and let out a gasp. I looked down at my arms and the hairs went down.  

  “So, you decided to move in at two in the morning?” she questioned me with a smile and I plopped down onto the sofa closest to me.

  “That’s exactly what I did. I saw an open door and went for it,” I started. “Aren’t you glad I’m here?” I crossed my arms and raised my eyebrows at her and she stood in front of me with her arms crossed too.

  “Of course I’m glad you’re here. I always wanted you here with me,” she answered, so I patted on the sofa next to me.

  “Come sit with me,” I said freely and she walked on over sitting down next to me. “Did you find out or not?”

  “I’m guessing you mean the pregnancy,” she started and I nodded. She shimmied the robe off her shoulders and her frail baby blue nightgown was what’s left. She stood up in front of me with her side facing me. I watched her as she pushed under her chest and below her stomach to flatten the sag in the dress with her hands so I could see the curves of her figure. She had a little belly, but nothing too obvious. At this point, it would be rude to mention anything about pregnancy. “You should feel.”

I looked up at her face to examine her expression, but she just smiled down looking at her stomach. I scooted closer to the edge of the sofa towards her and gently rested my hand on her stomach. It was surprisingly hard, but still soft at the same time. Definitely not just a little belly fat. She moved her hand over mine and I watched her face, looking down at me.

  “It’s so beautiful. Life is growing inside me and I feel so powerful,” she said quietly.

  “It is beautiful. This child will be beautiful too,” I told her and she rubbed my knuckles with her thumb. The moment felt so warm and peaceful. There was no one there stopping us from being ourselves and it was so empowering. I knew that just like me loving her, she also loved me.

  “By October we will have a baby here with us,” I looked back up at her eyes and they were swelling with tears. I stood up quickly, trying to figure out what was wrong. I cupped her face in my hands.

  “Awe, what’s wrong?” I asked her.

  “Everything is so perfect. You here with me. A baby on the way. I always knew I wanted to be a mom,” she sobbed and I rubbed the wetness away off her cheeks. “The house all to ourselves for now. Even when Victor has his breaks and is finally done with school it will be the same. I promise. He will treat you just like family.”

  “As long as I’m here with you,” I rested my forehead on hers and her hands cover mine over her cheeks.

  The morning was pure bliss and everything was a whole new world and adventure in front of us. I was excited to see what was in store for me and little did I know a perfect baby boy would be born on September 30th of 1807 and I’d help deliver him and bring him into the world.

            Dear Diary,

            When I saw the face of this beautiful baby boy joy filled my heart. Along with the words that escaped her mouth after he was born. “Joseph Ruth, that’s his name. After my love Lottie.” She made me cry even more as I held the newly born baby still with the umbilical cord attached. I’d say that I was right about a parent’s best day of their life. The day that their child is born is one among many. Even though he’s not mine biologically Clarisse and Victor sure make me feel like it.

            When Victor came for Thanksgiving break he was ecstatic about the baby and of course had to put up the perfect family picture to their parents. It doesn’t bother me anymore. It’s just a part of our life now. All that I wish is for future generations to not have to do this like us. My parents found out about my living situation from Victor’s father and they showed up at the house when no one was home but me and the baby. It was almost like an attack and it scared me, but when they knocked on the door I saw they were only baring gifts for my friend to them and my lover to me.

            I let them in and they played with him acting like he was a part of the family. Maybe they wished he was their grandchild, but really he is. They just won’t ever find out. That’s okay though. As long as everyone is happy and at peace. If Joseph ever reads this. I love you buddy and I hope you follow your dreams and explore this world.

            Regards,

            Lottie

  The bright sunlight pierced through the big windows, reflecting off the floors into my eyes. I grimaced and covered my face, walking away from the lightbox of a kitchen. I held the bowl of fruit in hand towards the dining room where I’d give Joseph his breakfast. Once I walked in he had a milk mustache collecting over his lips. I set the bowl of fruit down in front of him and took the napkin, wiping away the milk. He groaned, wanting me to stop.

  “When it dries, you don’t want to keep smelling the milk on your face,” I reminded him, but I don’t think he listened. He picked up his fork and started to stab the strawberries and variety of melons I had cut up in cubes for him.

  I sat down across from him, so I could watch out the window of the living room through the arched hallway. You could hear the singing of birds and Victor whistling along in his study.

  “Why does father whistle?” he asked me.

  “I think he likes the tune they sing,” I guessed. I didn’t really know. I didn’t like when people whistled, but I wouldn’t ever be able to tell him to stop whistling. He could do it if he wanted.

  “How does he do it?” he continued to ask me, pursing out his lips and cheeks, trying to whistle. He only blew out air filled with spit.

  “Not like that,” I laughed and he stopped, grinning with food in his mouth. “You have to blow gentle air and you don’t stick out your cheeks. It took me some time to figure it out. Just like snapping.”

  “Snapping?” he questioned.

  “When you snap your middle finger with your thumb, your middle finger hits your hand and makes a snapping noise,” I said, then continued to show him what it was. He set his fork down and attempted to snap. He failed, then frowned. “As I said, it takes time. Just like all hard things. You’ll get it one day.”

  “If you say so,” he replied, picking his fork back up again, eating more fruit.

  “Are you ready to walk to school?” I asked him as he finished up his fruit. He quickly forked the last pieces into his mouth and chewed it. I took his fork and bowl into the blinding kitchen, placing them in the sink to be washed a little while later by me. I made sure to grab his lunch bag.

  After I stood in the archway, looking in at him in his little overalls. He was so darling. His hair was like Victor’s and his eyes like Clarisse’s.

  “Momma, can we stop at the park first?” he grabbed my hand and I walked him along, outside the front door. Before I shut it I saw Clarisse, running out in her nightgown.

  “Oh wait sweetie!” she called and I opened the door again for her. She kneeled down to him and handed him a piece of paper. On it was a picture of a bird. I remembered Joseph really liked birds. He adored them.

  It was painted excellently and I assumed she had waited for it to dry to give to him. He was having trouble at school because he was different. He talked differently and he acted differently. To the three of us parenting him he was perfect and different was good. He’d turn out better for the future we envisioned. 

  He touched the bird's face and feathers that looked real. The brush strokes rose. She kissed his cheek and he smiled. Her hand lingered on his arm.

  “Remember we love you JoeJoe,” she smiled and he blushed, rubbing his face with his soft hands, turning around away from her. “Okay, you two can go. Have fun at school!”

  I looked back at her after we started walking away from the house down towards the dirt road. His hand found mine and I held it tight. Clarisse leaned against the door frame with her arms crossed. She was so beautiful as the day I first met her. She blew me a kiss while grinning and I waved back to her.

  Eventually, she went back inside and closed the door behind her. Joseph tugged on my hand and I looked down at him as we walked.

  “Momma! Can we?” he asked and I rethought about what he had said previously. The park. He wants to see the birds nest.

  “Of course. We’ll have to be fast,” I told him and he nodded quickly.

  We took a left instead of taking a right at the end of the road. On the left was the park and on the right was where the school was, along with the church and a few other stores. He started swinging our hands back and forth fast and I joined him. He was so playful and happy it seemed. I wished I could know if he had been truly happy or not. That’s just not life though.

  There were the sparse trees here and there along with a jungle gym that was very tall. I fell off one once as a kid and I thought I broke a bone, but it turned out I was only paranoid. He let go of my hand and ran up to the one tree that he was able to climb. There had been a little out cove on the bottom that he was able to step in and climb up it. He was very good with his feet and hands for his age. He was a climber. He’d climb up on anything like the counters and the tables. I stood under the tree, worried he’d fall down.

  I watched as he grabbed onto each branch, pulling him closer to what he wanted to see. I saw him slow down towards the top. He was so high up and I was frightened, holding out my arms just in case he fell. One time someone thought he was stuck in the tree and called for help. That was a big unneeded scene. He was only stopping to look at the bird’s nest. Just like now.

 I saw his face light up with joy as he looked down at the bird's nest. He had told me about the nest and the bird that lived there. I didn’t know if he had a good imagination or if he had really seen it. There were five blue eggs and a momma bird that would watch him nearby as he told me.   I knew there were plenty of robins in the park we frequented, so I thought he was right. I’d never see the nest though or the eggs.

  “Okay, Joseph! Time to come down!” I called up the tree and he continued to smile and he slowly descended from the tree. I watched him closely and soon his smile faded to a frown. What did he see? What was wrong?

  “Momma!” he cried and I tried to look around him, but I didn’t see anything.

“What’s wrong? Do you need help?” I asked him and in his hands was a dead bird. I wasn’t ready for that type of situation. What would I do to handle it? This was an important lesson; death. “Come on down now. Don’t touch your face.”

  I held onto his body once he was close enough and brought him down. There was no one around the park at the moment.

  “The momma’s dead!” he sniffled and I brought down his hand, so he wouldn’t wipe his face. He could get a disease. It looked fresh and I tried my best to hide my grossed out façade.

  “Don’t worry. She’s not in pain anymore,” I told him. “Do you want me to bury him?” He nodded and I took the bird gently into my hands. “I’ll keep the bird in my pocket so I can prepare her for burial once you get back home.” I waited for his approval.

  “Okay,” he went to wipe his face again. He had snot dripping down his nose and tears. I took a part of my dress and wiped it away.

  “Once you get to school wash your hands and don’t touch your face until you do,” I instructed him. “Dead things can have diseases, so you have to be careful.”

  “Yes momma,” he answered and we continued towards the school. I took his hand in mine knowing I’d wash it soon. I wanted him to be safe. I saw other parents walking their children to the school and some kids playing hopscotch.

  I stopped at the end of the transition between grass and dirt road. I kneeled down to him, handing him his lunch bag.

  “Remember, wash your hands once you get inside. Then you can play,” I reminded him again, making sure it was ingrained in his brain.

  “I know,” he told me and I kissed his cheek.

  “I’ll see you at five,” I said and he nodded.

  “I know that too momma. I’ll be here,” he fiddled with his feet, kicking the dirt.

  “Okay, go inside now. I love you,” I smiled and he waved goodbye. I watched from afar making sure he got inside. Then I left towards the house.

  Once I was in view of the house I saw a carriage. The same carriage I had ridden in during my childhood. I was confused why my parents were at the house. It’s only seven in the morning. I saw the same man who had helped me get to Clarisse’s house a few years back. I waved to him and he waved back. He looked sorry and avoided my gaze.

  As I walked in everything seemed overwhelming. I saw Victor, leaning on the sofa, Clarisse, with a cup of tea in her hand, and my father, sitting on the sofa with his face drained of life.

  I walked in fast and didn’t know what to say once I did.

  “What’s going on?” I asked quickly and Clarisse handed my father the cup of tea.

  “Thank you,” he smiled at her and she nodded, backing away towards Victor. He put his arm around her waist and held her close to him. I looked back at my father as he sipped the tea that was steaming. Why isn’t anybody saying anything?

  “Hello?” I asked my father who was avoiding me. He was the one who came here. “You came without mother? That’s unlike you.” I say it in a way that could be offensive.

  “Sit down Lottie,” he said in a straight voice, looking down at his feet.

  “No, tell me what’s going on,” I said, being defensive. He looked at me with rage and some tea spilled on the floor as he yelled.

  “For God’s sake Lottie, sit down!” I was shocked by him yelling at me. He never yelled at me. He didn’t have the right to come into my life and ruin it. I was happy and he didn’t like it.

  I finally sat down on the couch diagonal to him and he turned his body towards me. Once he said what he said I didn’t know how to react.

  “Your mother has died of cancer. Her funeral is in a couple days,” he said, shaking his head, and rubbing the back of his neck.

  I stared at him, trying to find the words. I looked over at my lover and friend and they were avoiding me too. What was this? It felt so painful. They didn’t know how to act and I didn’t either. What was I supposed to do when I was told my mother was dead? I didn’t know because I never was close with her. Maybe I wished I were, but it wasn’t true. She was gone and I didn’t get to know her as a mother.

“I don’t know what to say. When did this happen?” I asked.

  “A couple weeks ago mother started to feel ill and as the days passed she decided to go to the hospital. There the doctors told us she should be dead because of how far along the cancer was,” he told me and I nodded along as I understood.

  “When should I be at the funeral?” I asked.

  “The day after tomorrow at 4 pm. After, I thought you and I could sort through her stuff and get things settled,” he spoke.

  How was I going to be useful? I never saw much of her belongings or knew what she wanted to be done with it. Did she have a will? Did she leave me anything? How was he coping?

  “Okay,” I stopped and thought. “I think we’ll make it.”

  “Just wanted to let you know you can come over anytime you want or need,” he told me, trying to reassure me, but I didn’t need it.

  “Got it,” I said, trying to speed up his departure. Death was big, but my mothers’ wasn’t. Why? It was odd and I wanted it to be over with. They thought it was so sad and expected me to make a big scene, but they didn’t get one.

  “Okay then,” he said, standing up. “Mrs., Travistine.” He held out the tea to her and she took it from him. “Thank you so much for the time and I’ll see you in a while.”

  The door shut and I looked out the window to watch him leave in the carriage without my mother. I didn’t think that would be the news. I didn’t know what I expected.

  “Lottie?” Clarisse spoke my name in a way it made me upset. They were treating me different. Like I was a fragile figurine that would break with the touch.

  “Yes,” I looked at her and Victor had sat down on the sofa. I guessed he didn’t know if he should’ve left or stayed.

  “Are you okay?” she walked over to me and waited for a response. I looked up at her and nodded.

  “I’m just great,” I said.

  “Are you sure? Do you want to talk? Do you--,” I walked away from her. It was irresponsible, but she was upsetting me. I didn’t want to yell at her and ruin our relationship. She didn’t know what to do, but I shouldn’t have blamed her. As I sat in the room I shared with Clarisse, I felt the lump of the bird in my dress. I grabbed it out of the pocket and held it in my hands like a baby. She was beautiful, but sadly it had to end.

  I caressed the bird’s feathers and one fell off, spinning onto the floor. My sight started to blind as my eyes filled with tears. I took a cloth from the bathroom and wrapped the bird in it on the floor, trying to not contaminate anything. I needed a box. My cries started to get louder and I didn’t know what I was crying for. Maybe I wanted her to be with me but just didn’t know really what I needed or wanted.

  I heard a soft knock on the bedroom door.

  “Lottie? Can I come in?” I heard Clarisse and I wanted to speak, but phlegm was suffocating me. It ended up sounding like a soft cry. I said yes.

  I continued to try to fix the bird. To make it look pretty for Joseph. I thought about how it broke his heart. He’s so young.

  I felt her hand on my shoulder and her thumb rubbing the back of my neck. She knelt to the floor and her arms wrapped around me like a warm blanket. She hummed to me a lullaby-like she did with Joseph when we tucked him in. All three of us were a big part of his life. She’d hum, I’d tuck him in, and Victor would hand him one of his stuffed animals. He was so loved by all of us.

  I thought it made me sad that he wouldn’t be sad if I died. When Lottie or Victor would tell him the news and sit him down and all that he would say would be, “okay.” It made me upset that somehow I wouldn’t be good enough for him and he wouldn’t grieve me like I won’t have to grieve my mother. I guess sometimes I felt like I only had real parents that weren’t figures for me. I didn’t ever have real, loving figures, but just two people who happened to conceive me.

  She rocked me in her arms on the floor like a baby and I closed my eyes, thinking maybe it would all go away. It would just be the four of us in our cottage with no one else besides us. It would be perfect and warm and loving without hate or sadness. Then I thought of how greedy I am and it only made me cry more. I wanted him all to myself, but he needed to have a life and I was slightly jealous that he would get this beautiful childhood that I wished I had.

  You could say that the death of my mother was more like a catalyst to the awakening of the deep, hidden conscious in my mind. It made all my thoughts bomb out of proportion and made me think of all the things I kept inside of me. I didn’t want to think about the things though. I wasn’t sad about her. It was only the things that she made me think of that made me grieve. That’s what everybody would think. “Oh, she’s grieving because her mother died,” but no. They don’t know and I don’t want them to know.

  “I love you,” the soft whisper of her, tingled my neck and I started to stroke her soft hair. Was that love? Comforting someone when they need it, but don’t ask for it? She tried to look at me by letting go of me. I backed up a little and she stood up, walking into the loo. She came out with a tissue and sat back down to wipe my face off.

  “Joseph found a dead bird in his tree. We have to find a box to bury him in this evening,” I told her and she looked at the covered bird on the floor.

  “Are you sad about that?” she asked me. I looked at her to see if she was smiling or if she looked serious.

  “I don’t know,” I mumbled.

  “It’s okay to not know why you’re crying. It heals us when we cry,” she tucked a strand of my hair back behind my ear out of my messy face. I hated her to see me like this. I was gross and pathetic. “I think I have the perfect one.”

  I watched her from the floor as she stood up and dusted off her dress that wasn’t dirty at all. Then she went into the closet. I’m guessing to get a box. I pulled myself up off the floor and went to wash my hands. Everything would be fine. Clarisse would fix it. I was sure of it.

  I watched the faucet run and covered my hands in soap. The porcelain collected dirt and debris that the bird tucked in its feathers from the tree. Soon it was like nothing happened.

  I sat on the bed, waiting for Clarisse. Soon enough after the sound of rearranging, she walked out with a small shoebox in hand. She opened it and set it on the bed. She was being very careful with her movements and the bird as she placed it into the box.

  “It was Joseph’s first shoebox,” she said and I nodded, the last tear dripping down my cheek. I quickly wiped it away, not wanting to cause worry for her.

  “It’s perfect. We can pick some sunflowers from the field in the back to put on her grave,” I suggested as she covered the bird with the top of the box. She sat down on the bed and in-between us was the box.

  “Of course. Joseph would love that,” she smiled and I smiled back.

  “Was he waiting long?” I asked her, curious.

  “No. He had come a couple of minutes after you left with Joseph,” she informed me.

  “I don’t know why he wants me to come over to sort things,” I tried to tell her about my confusion. “I didn’t know her well. Maybe it’s less work for him. He probably has another woman lined up already.”

  “Well, maybe he doesn’t know how to handle the situation. Maybe he wasn’t ready for her to die,” she guessed.

  “Maybe,” I pondered the thought. He probably wanted her dead so he could go off and have fun with those women. Why didn’t he have fun with my mother though? I guess I don’t understand adult problems still, even though I’m 21.

  “I can paint you,” she offered. “I haven’t done one of you this year.”

  “Even though I’m puffy eyed and odd looking,” I laughed quietly, looking over to her on my right.

  “You don’t look odd. You’re beautiful,” she took my hand and we went into her studio.

  It wasn’t really a studio. It was more of a loft that has been turned into a place for all things art. The wooden beams were exposed and there are two windows; one on each end of the attic like a loft, letting in lots of light. My eyes wander over her work. Some abstract and most realism. I didn’t know how she could make something so beautiful from her hands.

  She stood at one end by her easel. A brand new canvas sitting on top of it. A wooden stool sat in front and she patted it.

  “Come sit,” she said and I did. I had wondered how long I’d be sitting on the creaky stool for. I couldn’t sit too long otherwise Joseph would be waiting outside in the dark for me at school. Or he’d wander home and someone might snatch him. I’d have to keep track of the time.

  She played with my hair, making it lay a certain way. Then she pulled at my dress too. It was slightly hanging off my shoulder now. She smiled at me from afar then went behind her canvas and was hidden from me.

  Occasionally she would peak from behind it, staring at my features, studying them. She didn’t tell me to smile, so I didn’t. Did I look sad?

  Hours passed and I saw the sun starting to fade. I yawned big and Clarisse let out an odd gasp. Maybe that of relief. She put her paintbrush down and started to put things away.

  “Can I move?” I asked and she nodded.

  “Go see,” she told me. I stood up and walked around the easel to see what she has made. Everything was finished besides the window. It was so magnificent. How had she done it that fast? It was so perfect, but she did it in a day. How? She came over to stand by me, watching me react to the painting that was about a foot tall. “Do you like it?”

  “Oh Clarisse, it’s wonderful,” I looked over to her and she stared at the painting. I kissed and she smiled big stopping the kiss.

  “I guess you fancy it then,” she laughed and I nodded.

  “You’ll have to hang it up somewhere. Anywhere. Ugh, you’re so talented,” I wrapped my arm around her waist and hugged her to my side.

  “I’m glad you enjoy it so much. I’ll start dinner and you can go get Joseph,” she told me and I let my arm fall from her waist. We walked down the stairs and heard the singing of Victor. His voice loud and off-key, but he’s having fun.

  Then once Clarisse got to the kitchen, fetching pots and pans the singing stopped. The rolling of his chair entered the hallway and he spotted us.

  “It was getting lonely down here all alone,” he started and I smiled at him as I got on my coat. “You two both look happy as can be though.”

  He got off the chair and pushed it back into his study. After he walked towards Clarisse in the kitchen.

  “What’s for dinner, girly?” he asked her.

  “Chicken,” she replied, holding up the thing by the drumsticks.

  “Hooligan,” he laughed her off and perched himself on the sofa, starting to read one of the thick novels.

  “Be back in a minute,” I yelled to them and they both hollered at the same time I couldn’t understand what they said. My eyes wrinkled as I smiled, shutting the door.

  Joseph ran towards me, holding up dandelions and I watched as the whiteness blew with the wind. He held them up to me, then looked down at them.

  “That’s what happens Joseph. The dandelion seeds get blown off, so they can travel and land somewhere else to grow more of them,” I informed him and he dropped them at some point as we walked back to the house. “We’re going to bury the bird, then eat dinner.”

  “I came up with a name for her,” he giggled, walking little ways in front of me backward.

  “What is it?” I asked him.

  “Lilly,” he smiled.

  “And why’s that?” I further questioned him.

  “Flowers are happy and pretty,” I understood his words.

  “That’s a great name Joseph,” I told him.

  Once we get home Victor is waiting with the bird in the box on the front step. He opens the front door and calls for Clarisse. She comes out with an apron on and we walk to the back where there is a little hole dug already.

  “I made sure the box will fit,” Victor announced.

  “What about flowers?” Joseph asked.

  “Let’s go pick some,” I suggested and all of us went into the field, picking wildflowers and weeds. I had sunflowers, Victor got yellow tulips, and Joseph and Clarisse had a collection of weeds with flowers.

  “I’ll make a bouquet,” he said incorrectly.

  “Bouquet,” I corrected him and he repeated it a few times until he got it right. “Good job.”

  We handed him our contribution and he held them until Victor placed the box inside the whole.

  “You know in some religions, everybody takes a handful of dirt and throws it onto the coffin or in this case, a box,” Victor informed Joseph.

  “Okay,” Joseph said, then grabbing dirt from the pile and throwing a few handfuls on top of it. “Go ahead.”

  We all grab a handful and throw it on to the box. After Victor shoveled the rest of the dirt onto the box. Joseph smiled and placed the bouquet onto the mound.

  “Would you like to say any words about the bird?” Clarisse asked.

  “Lilly, you were a good bird. You were pretty. You were a momma bird. I love you,” he mumbled under his breath.

  “That’s sweet,” Victor complimented him. “Good luck birdy.” He saluted and stepped away from the mound.

  “Goodbye,” he waved to the mound and we went back inside, all washing our hands.

  We sat around the dinner table, eating away at the plates of food, talking about our days. No one mentioned my mother or my father. Joseph wanted to draw Lilly and use some of Clarisse’s paints. She promised tomorrow he would be able to.

Dear Diary,

Death is sad, but it’s inevitable. It happens to all of us and everyone grieves in their own ways. Joseph seemed very sad once he first saw the bird, but when burying him he was back to his happy self. Maybe when you’re younger you can cope better. Or maybe he just forgot and had fun at school. I’m not sure.

I’m dreading Sunday, the day of my mother’s funeral. Mostly the part after when I have to go through her stuff with my father. I’ve seen some of her stuff, but only a couple times, since I wasn’t allowed in their bedroom. I’m wondering what he will do with the stuff. Sell it? Trash it? Keep it? I’m just really hoping this week will blow over soon enough and normal life can get back in play.

Regards,

Lottie

P.S. At dinner Victor said he would be visiting a friend back where his university was. They are having some writer’s conference and I think it’s a lover of his. His roommate. I’m happy for him. Maybe we’ll meet one day. Hopefully. I want him to have his happily ever after too.

Victor was getting ready with Joseph. We already had a little black suit for him to wear. Clarisse and I got dressed in our black dresses that looked very sad. Perfect for the occasion of a funeral. My body drowned in the darkness and it made me look paler than normal. I thought that Clarisse pulled it off, even though she complained about it.

  It was a quarter till five and we were running late for the funeral. We decided to walk instead of getting a ride on a carriage. It wasn’t very far and the weather was decent. No rain. Only sun.

  We had the unspoken rule that I must keep to myself and let the three of them act as a family without me. I don’t know how Joseph would explain our family. We’ve told him that we are all his parents, but it’s a secret. He sees me and Clarisse as a couple at home in private, but Clarisse and Victor as a couple out in public in front of other’s eyes. Maybe it’s not as complicated when you’re four. Nothing was hard when I was four. I hardly remember that age anyway.

  Clarisse and I walked out of our room, into the hallway to wait for the boys. I didn’t think Joseph would remember my mother or my father. They only came around when he was a baby a couple times. I didn’t really think about it much when they stopped coming around.

  He knew Victor and Clarisse’s parents well. They were his grandparents to him. I didn’t know if they would be there. They knew my mother and my father, so maybe. I thought she had too many acquaintances and not enough friends. I didn’t ever think about how that might’ve affected her. She might have had trouble getting close to people. That would have made sense.

  We started walking to the church and we heard the bells clanging together from the block. I had only been to one funeral. I was too young like Joseph. I didn’t know what was going on and they kept shushing me the whole time. Apparently, it was my great-grandfather and great-grandmother who had died in a fire along with a few other elderly people from the building.

  It never bothered me and I never thought about it twice. Hopefully, that will be Joseph’s reaction to the funeral. He’ll just sit there and it will blow over in an hour.

  I found out that my mother grew up in the town we lived in at the time. The house was renovated a bit and a new family lived there with a couple dogs. Maybe a dog would have been good for Joseph. I had heard great things about children growing around livestock and pets. It’s good for their immune system or something close to it. He’d love that.

  When we approached, a man held the door open. Another stranger like at Victor and Clarisse’s wedding. As we walked in and Victor and Clarisse pulled Joseph along to a pew in the back, I continued walking, looking around. I spotted my father and he waved me over towards him. I decided to go. Nothing could go wrong.

  Once I was a few feet in front of him he spread his arms to hug me. The church was packed and I guessed it wouldn’t be a bad thing to hug him. I don’t remember the last time I hugged him, but I betted I could count how many on one hand.

  I just sat down instead of shaking hands with other people because I simply didn’t want to. There was no point. They all wanted to comfort my dad and me, but I didn’t want to have any part in it.

  I wasn’t too sure about how he was handling the death. He was the one who told me and I didn’t know how long ago she even died. Did she die the day he told me or a few days before? Who knows? I saw a brown coffin in the front of the church close to where we were sitting. It was closed and I was glad. I didn’t really want to see her body. It would be weird and like a dream.

  Someone was playing the piano terribly and it was perfect for the dread affair. I couldn’t tell who because they were on the loft in the back where the piano sat. The music slowed as the pastor walked up in his getup. He acted as if he were an almighty and it furthered my unbelief in the religion. I didn’t know if any other family was coming and I hoped they weren’t. I never really say any family on either side because they lived far away. They all had their own lives.

  “Welcome. Thank you for all gathering here today for the remembrance of an old friend who died so suddenly under the watchful eye of Jesus Christ our Father,” his voice echoed through the big room. “We will start with the singing of a hymn that Eleanor Romalie loved.”

  The sounds of pages turning in the hymnals rose in the church. I liked the singing in the church. That was the one exception. When I would have to go to church on Sunday during my childhood I’d sing the days I felt like it and the others I just spaced out. Today I felt like I could put in some effort. Especially since it was a beautiful hymn.

  I grabbed the hymnal from in front of me and the piano music started. I listened trying to find the rhythm to sing to.  I had remembered the one-page number in the hymnal and it belonged to this hymn. Give Thanks.

  The sound of heals on the floor came up behind me and soon this woman was squeezing in beside my father. I watched her with a glare as she smiled at him with lustful eyes. What was going on? Then the singing started and I averted my eyes back to the book.

  “Give thanks with a grateful heart. Give thanks to the Holy One. Give thanks because he's given Jesus Christ, his son,” I sang along with the people that filled the pews. The woman next to me eventually found the hymn and started to sing. Her voice was peaceful and better than mine or anyone else’s for that matter. I was getting upset by the woman simply because she reminded me of my mother due to her voice. It sounded so familiar and calming, but she wasn’t a familiar face. I had never seen her before.

  After lots of babbling on and on about God and my mother the funeral ends. The burial would be private, I found out after the pastor announced it. Why? That meant only a select few got to stay and it was left to me, my father, and this woman.

  My father dragged me along to the front of the church to accept condolences with him from all the people leaving. My own family with Victor, Clarisse, and Joseph came to say goodbye.

  “We love you,” Victor hugged me tightly, whispering the words to me. I smiled big and next Clarisse hugged me.

  “I’ll see you tonight,” she whispered and twirled my hair around one of her fingers. Joseph wanted up. I could tell this because he squeezed the side of my dress and rambled undecipherable words at me. I picked him up swiftly and he hugged me too.

  “Can we go to the park?” he asked pouting his lower lip. I laughed lightly at his attempt to bribe me.

  “Ask your mom or dad,” I told him, then whispered in his ear. “Remember I’m your momma not your mom.”

  He nodded and smiled. “I know,” he whispered, cupping his hands over my ear. I put him down and he ran towards the door where they were waiting for him. They both grabbed one of his hands and they left.

  After the whole place cleared out it was time to watch the coffin be lowered into the ground. I turned to see that my father had left me alone. I went back into the main area and saw that the coffin was being opened by my father. I walked towards him to see what was going on. He had an envelope in his hand and was stuffing it into the coffin. What was he hiding?

  “Father?” I questioned and he jumped, terrified which made me even more suspicious. His one arm was hidden behind his back.

  “Yes?” he asked back to me and I looked inside the coffin. What I saw made me break down inside. He sort of moved in front of her midsection guarding the body from my view. My eyes went dull as I saw the slashes on her. She died from cancer. What are all those gashes for?

  I pushed him aside and inspected the body that didn’t belong to my mother anymore. She was someplace else. She wasn’t on Earth anymore. It had no owner you could say. Her face was pale and looked dusted with white makeup. Her body had been mutilated like someone had murdered her or…

  “Why is she like this?” I asked feeling the cold, hard skin. I sounded like I was accusing him of something.

  “What darling?” he placed his hand on my shoulder and I whipped around, pointing a finger at him.

  “What did you do to her!? This is not cancer! This is—this is blood loss and pain!”  I screamed at him. His eyes were rapid, moving all over the place. He never looked back into my eyes. His tongue licked his lips a few times and they were crackly. He was lying. \

  “I think we should go outside. The men will bring the coffin outside,” he tried to force me out by putting his hand on my side and trying to push and pull me along, but I ripped away from him. What was this person? Who was he? I didn’t know him.

  “NO!” I yelled into his face and slapped his cheek. I watched as it went red and my hand stung. I imagined he was feeling the burn too.

  I tried to weaver behind him to snatch what he was hiding behind his back. I needed to see it. He held it high away from me. Suddenly the woman walked in and her heels clicked on the floor again. I backed away from him and he brought his hand back down along with the letter. She was in my view when she came next to him and hugged his side.

  “Everything alright?” she asked, slightly frowning. He nodded his head.

  “Of course Lilliana,” he replied, putting little effort in the forced smile.

  “No woman everything is not alright! My father is hiding something from me!” I yelled a little quieter this time. I was furious. I wanted everyone to know.

  “What?” she looked around and back to the coffin, then I eyed his hand and she snatched it from him. He looked over at her with rage in his eyes and she ran quickly away from him behind me. We did some kind of trade off and he was stupid enough to think she ran outside with it. He pushed by me and left me, unknowingly with the letter. I looked back towards the exit then ducked down into the basement to hide away from him. He would know soon that she didn’t have it and come looking for me.

  I slowly dropped down the side of the wall onto the cold floors of the locked closet I trapped myself in. I quickly opened the envelope, earning me a paper cut on my index finger. I winced at the stinging pain. I wiped the blood away onto my black dress and continued for the contents inside. All I find is a folded up piece of paper that is an off-white like my own paper with some smudges of blood around it. I dropped the envelope next to me and unfolded the paper to find a letter.

  It was sad and dismal. I started piecing two and two together as I saw the slashes where her major arteries were pumping warm blood. Life. My tears dropped on the paper as I read. I smudged the tears on the paper and it mixed with the dry blood creating this watercolor paint.

  This is all it read.

          Dear Ruthford,

          I’m sorry it has come to the time of my demise, but it’s for the best. You are for not my lover when you’ve been sleeping in the bed of another. You aren’t happy and this leaves me unsatisfied too. My Lottie is gone away with her own amore and it’s left me again all alone without someone to love. Perhaps this is for the best as I can see the light. It hurts, but soon He will save me. For I believe and forgive and am very sorry for what I’ve done.

Regards,

El

  As I realize she didn’t get to finish signing her name, Eleanor, I only cry more. I shook my head in my sweaty palms and cried and cried and cried. She’s gone. It’s my fault. It’s his fault. Why didn’t she tell me? Why didn’t she speak to me? I was somewhere when this happened, having a blast and… She was writing this while…

  I gather the envelope and letter, stuffing it in my dress. I need to go. I need to leave and get away from here. Escape! I ran and ran out the exit of the church and past the people who were left for the burial. My father tried to grab my arm, but I yanked it away and ran towards the house in tears. My house. My happiness. Her fear. Her all alone. Unloved. Forgotten. She wasn’t forgotten, but then I wasn’t totally innocent.

  I saw a light in the distance in the sky. It was soaring fast and brightly. As seconds past the material looked dark and that of a bullet. What was it? I ran and ran needing to get to them. My family. My lover. My son. My friend.

  I watched as Joseph ran outside, pretending he was riding a horse. He neighed and Victor ran after him like an enemy. Clarisse was the damsel in distress, stuck, and stopped in time. Unable to move, tied on the tracks of a train. My lips quivered and I smiled a bit. I licked my lips and tasted the sweet, bitter taste of salt in my tears.

  The light was close and I saw Victor pointing at it. They all looked and Clarisse looked my way after with fear in her eyes. It was the—