{Wednesday October 9, 2013 – 12:36PM}
The day goes on as it normally does, dull and uninteresting, that is until I get to lunch.
There was a boy.
A hot, hot boy; almost too hot for comfort.
But of course, he was sitting at ‘kids that everyone in school are supposed to care about but no one really does’ table. I slump my shoulders forward, knowing that now he’ll never notice me.
“Hey there sweet cheeks,” I hear Kibum say as he sits down in front of me.
“Don’t talk about my cheeks,” I say.
“I didn’t mean it to offend you, gosh Tae. But hey so Jessica is wearing white jeans and they fit her legs like really well, but it’s October and wearing white jeans after Labor Day is gross like she’s really hot but the rule still applies and-“
I zone out half way through Key’s lecture about wearing white jeans after Labor Day to stare at this new boy. He was making all these girls giggle and put his arm around one. I frowned and pushed my lunch tray away from me; why can’t hot boys like him like boys?!
Kibum snapped in my ears, “Yoo-hoo, earth to Taemin. Testing, testing, are you there?”
“Not really, actually,” I reply.
He reaches across the table and holds my hand, “Tell Kibummie what’s wrong.”
“Okay, 1.) Don’t call yourself ‘Kibummie’ and 2.) Don’t hold my hand that makes people think we’re dating and 3.) That new boy over there is way too cute and it’s not fair because I’m about 90% sure he’s not gay. Just look at him! Making all those girls laugh and oh my gosh is he touching that one’s leg?!”
Key looked back in his general direction, “Oh you mean the Korean guy? I guess he’s ok looking, but I can’t really say anything because I like girls so…”
Oh that’s right, Kibum’s oddly straight. With how much he talks about clothes and idols, you wouldn’t guess it. And he doesn’t exactly dress like he’s into girls. If anything, I look 1000 times straighter than him. Don’t tell him I said that though, he hates people talking about how unmanly he is.
Anyway, the new boy, yeah, he’s a cutie. I can’t see his exact features from my vantage point but I can tell that his hair is really soft and that his teeth are super white, things that are very important in a relationship.
{Wednesday October 9, 2013 – 3:20PM}
Wow math class great wow yay! Kill me please!
“Hey,” I heard someone say. I look up and see the super hot new boy biting his lip and looking at me.
“Um… Hey?” I respond all cool like.
“Is uh anyone sitting here?” he refers to the desk next to mine, “all the other seats are full, as you can see.”
His voice is so soothing I am going to cry.
“Uh I don’t think anyone was, so uh go ahead and sit.”
He sits. “Jonghyun.”
“I’m sorry?”
“Jonghyun, that’s my uh name. Well my Korean one at least. You can call me John if Jonghyun’s too hard to pronounce, and your name?”
I smile, “its Taemin. Well my Korean one at least. Feel free to call me Tommy if Taemin’s such a struggle to pronounce.”
“I can almost smell the sarcasm,” Jonghyun chuckles, “but Taemin, that’s cute, kind of like you.”
I look up and stare at him. Me? Cute? Wait, Gay?! Gay hot boy?!!!!
“Oh sorry, are you straight? Or are you gay and think that I’m playing with you? I’m not I swear, you’re actually really cute,” he admits.
I giggle, “I’m about as straight as a curved road, and uh yeah you’re super cute too.” It’s true, he’s even more gorgeous up close; neatly cut dark brown hair, tan skin, defined features, perfect teeth, and these soft, kissable lips.
Jonghyun laughed, “You know, Taemin I can see your eyes scanning me from up and down,” he smirked and pinched my cheek, “cutie patootie.”
I blushed, he chuckled, and the bell rang.
Oh right, math class.
{Wednesday October 9, 2013 – 4:10PM}
At the end of the day Jonghyun met me at my locker, which happened to be just a few down from his.
“Hey, Taemin, do you want to hang out? Like we could go to the movies or the park or maybe my house,” he asked.
“Jonghyun, are you asking me out?”
He scratched behind his head and let out a breathy chuckle, “I guess, yeah, if that’s cool with you.”
“Yeah it’s totally cool with me. So how about Saturday I head over to your house and we can chill and talk and stuff like that?”
Jonghyun smiles, “Sounds awesome, but here,” he hands me a folded up piece of paper and says, “you’re gonna need this,” and walks away.
I open it up and it reads:
Taeminnie!
Can I call you that? I’m going to either way, but I’d still like to know if it’s cool.
But hey my cell number is: 555-6872 so hit me up when you get the chance.
Alright, see you tomorrow cutie.
Kisses, Jonghyun Kim.
What a sweetheart.

{Saturday October 12, 2013 – 2:30PM}
Knock Knock.
A Korean lady who looked around 50 answered the door, “Can I help you?” she said in a thick Korean accent.
“Yes, I’m here to see Jonghyun. He’s home, right?” I ask her in Korean.
“Oh yes, you must be Taemin! Jonghyun! You’re friend is here!” she yells into the house, “Please, please, come in.”
I walk in and notice first Jonghyun rummaging through his fridge wearing only a pair of boxers; sky blue with little clouds here and there.
I blush and giggle, “Nice boxers you got there, Jong.”
Jonghyun stands up straight and gives me a can of Coke, “I know, right?” he says casually as he closes the fridge door. I look at him from top to bottom; it seems like he’s beautifully sculpted everywhere with his perfect 6-pack and gorgeous thighs. I lick my lips.
Jonghyun smirks, “I’m hot yeah I know. This way,” he says as he leads me down a long hallway with pictures of baby Jonghyun and some girl who is most likely his sister and into his room. “I’m pretty sure a lot of the girls at school already like me, partially because I’m new and partially because I’m gorgeous. Yeah know sometimes I sit and laugh because girls will find out about me being a homosexual and then they’ll throw these huge fits and get mad at me and do all this other unnecessary crap when really it’s not that big of a deal, like I like guys, so what?”
I nod along and sit on his bed. His room is unusually tidy and makes me think that he must have cleaned it before I came. Jonghyun just doesn’t seem like the type of guy to keep his room like this all the time.
“… Anyway, what do you want to do, Tae?” I hear him ask.
“Oh uh I don’t know, what’s there to do?” I ask.
“Not much really, my house is kind of boring. We could talk about like our lives or something or like we could snuggle if you’re cool with snuggling.” I laugh. “What?” he asks.
“Nothing,” I say, “you just don’t seem like the type of guy who likes to snuggle.”
“Cuddling and snuggling are my favorite things to do besides like singing and playing guitar. But hey if we are going to snuggle I’m going to need you to get in your boxers too, just because it’s more comfortable that way.”
“Are you sure you don’t just want to see me in my underwear?” I ask, “But wait, you play guitar? And you sing?”
“Yeah, I kind of want to be a musician when I grow up but whatever. What about you; what’s your story?” Jonghyun asks.
“I don’t really have one, actually. I’m clinically depressed, I have anxiety, I suck at school, I suck at eating, I suck at not crying, and I suck at not cutting myself. The only things I don’t suck at would be dance and HTML coding.”
“You cut? Where? Why? Tell Jjongie why, baby.”
“Yeah, I cut on my thighs and sometimes on my stomach, and because I feels useless and 110% of my thoughts consist of ways to kill myself or new ways to get by without anyone noticing the scars.” I explain.
Jonghyun hugs me and whispers, “I don’t want you to ever feel like that ever again, you understand me? I promise that I’ll fill your life with only good things and I’ll never hurt you. Taemin, I want you to be happy.”
I hug him back and say, “You know we’ve only known each other for like four days right?”
“I don’t care. I can already tell that you’re the person I’m going to fall in love with,” he says as he holds me tighter.
I’m crying; not the sad kind of cry but the happy kind of cry. That’s one of the nicest things anyone’s ever said to me in my whole life.
“Thank you,” I manage to say in between my sobs.

{Saturday November 16, 2013 – 8:47PM}
Jonghyun reaches for the remote and turns off the TV, “well that movie sucked.”
“Seriously like I didn’t even know what was going on half the time, but that could be from us watching it starting from like the middle of the movie,” I say.
“Hey, that was on you! You were the one flipping through the channels saying everything sucked!”
“Because everything did suck, but uh, what do we do now?” I ask.
“I don’t know,” Jonghyun looked around his room, “Oh! I wrote this new song the other day, wanna hear it? It’s in Korean, hope you don’t mind.”
“Oh yeah sure I haven’t heard you sing like at all yet so, play it babe.” I say excitedly. Jonghyun gets up from his bed and walks across the room to get his guitar and a few pages of sheet music.
“Always standing right there, protecting me.
Always receiving the hate I should have received.
With no words, you’ve embraced me,
So now I’ll reflect you as a mirror...”
“…The day we first met,
My heart sped; couldn’t hide my tears…”
“...The image of you being more tired and hurt,
Makes my cry like a kid…”
“…We have a string between our bonds.
It’s impossible to describe in words…”
“If my joy can be your happiness,
Then thank you.”
I’m crying again. It’s still the happy type of cry though, I haven’t been hurt yet. His voice just makes me feel so happy tears shed and the lyrics really hit close to home.
I wipe away my tears, “is that about me?” I ask.
“Yeah, of course, you’ve been the muse of a lot of my songs lately.” He says as he sets his guitar on the wall by his bed. “Are you going to sleep over tonight?”
I shrug, “might as well, I’m too lazy to go home and you’re bed is warm.”
Jonghyun pounces on top of me with a smile and we wrestle into proper spooning position. “Hey Tae, you haven’t cut right?”
“No I’m not, unless I’m cutting in my sleep.”
“And you’re eating more right?”
“Yeah I’m trying to eat more than a cracker a day.”
“Good,” Jonghyun says as he snuggles into my back. “I love you Taemin and I don’t want to see you hurt yourself. If you ever feel like you need to starve yourself or cut, just think about how much I care about you and how much I need you here with me.”
“I love you too, Jonghyun.”

{Tuesday December 31, 2013 – 11:49PM}
“Jonghyun you’re hogging all the blanket and it’s like 2 degrees outside,” I pout.
“Oh,” Jonghyun says as he pulls more of the blanket onto my shoulder, “sorry baby.”
I rest my head on his shoulder, “better, but why are we on the roof anyway?”
“For the fireworks; it’s New Years Eve, stupid.” Jonghyun says like that was the most obvious thing in the world. “I told you my parents were going back to Korea to spend the holidays with other family members and these next few days are my last days of freedom so I want to spend as much time with you as possible.”
“Yeah, I get that, but couldn’t we have just stayed inside and cuddled in your living room with the fireplace on and maybe you’d make us some hot chocolate and we would just watch the fireworks on TV.”
“But why would I want to watch them on TV when I could have just as easily gone outside to see them. Plus, its cooler outside anyway and it gives us a chance to be really close to each other.” He says.
We’re silent for a moment until-
“Taemin.”
“Yeah, Jong?”
“You look really good in this lighting,” Jonghyun says as he softly caresses my cheek with his right hand.
I giggle, “Thanks babe, I’ve been told it really gives me that natural glow all the girls want.”
“Haha yeah, I really like it. I really like you too, ya know,” he says as he slowly climbs on top of me.
“Whoa, Jonghyun, uh, I,” I stutter and I lay back.
“Yeah?” he whispers in my ear.
“You’re uh really close to me.”
“You don’t like it?”
“No of course I do but,” I do really like it. I like this sense of closeness. I like the feeling that someone could drive by and see us in this position on the rooftop.
“Then don’t move.”
I close my eyes. I can feel his breath on my face. Next I feel his nose touch my nose. And then finally, I feel his lips on my lips. I can hear the fireworks going off in the distance. Is this really happening?
He pulls away and chuckles, “Well? What did you think?”
“I think we should do that every day until we die,” I say before I lightly peck his lips again.
“I’m up for it if you are,” he says.
“Totally.”

{Friday February 14, 2013 – 6:45PM}
Me : hey when u picking me up
jjongie bb<3: uh like rn i guess
Me: ok coolio lemme put clothes on
jjongie bb<3: naked taemin !!! :O
Me: im in my boxers shut up
jjongie bb<3: oh lame *-_-*
Me: don’t use *-_-* ever again i will punch u in the face istg jong
jjongie bb<3: omg tae shut up im trying to drive if I die its on u
Me: oh srry love u
jjongie bb<3: :*
And so Jonghyun got to my house at around 7 and he greeted my mom and we took off.
“Where are we even going? Don’t tell me we’re going to go eat somewhere because I had food before I left.”
“Shh, you’ll see. And there’s no food, I promise.”
It was a long drive actually; when we finally got to where we were going, it was already nearing the 8 o’clock hour. Worth the wait though, because when we got there, it was this little campsite set up in the park complete with a fireplace, tent, and Jonghyun’s guitar.
I’m crying again. Jonghyun’s hugging me and kissing my neck softly, “do you like it?” he asks.
“It’s perfect, you’re perfect. Ugh, how did you even think of this?”
“I don’t quite know. It just came to my mind that we never went to the park on a date before so I told myself ‘hey, maybe I should set up this little tent thing in the park and sing Taemin a song or something’, so I did,” he explains.
“This is almost too romantic I’m crying Jonghyun I love you,” I say as I kiss his gently.
He laughs and kisses me back, “I love you too.”
And so we light the fire and we tell each other stories of how our days went. Jonghyun’s day seemed to have went really well, considering his big epiphany and how his ‘hair looked extra good today’, which I completely agree with. My day wasn’t so good, with only a few traces of Jonghyun during the school day and with me having my teachers expect way too much from me.
Then he sang for me. It was a new song he recently wrote called ‘Alarm Clock’. It came to him when he had a horrific dream which included us breaking up and him being alone in this quote un-quote ‘topsy-turvy world’. The lyrics were gorgeous and his voice is gorgeous and he’s gorgeous so of course I’m crying again and he’s holding me again but it’s ok, I’m going to be ok.
Lastly we head to the tent where we snuggled and things just went uphill from there.

{Tuesday April 1, 2014 – 5:58PM}
“And what’s your relationship to the patient?”
“I’m his boyfriend. Look lady, I just want to know if my idiot is going to live, okay?”
I’m crying, but Jonghyun’s not holding me. Right now he’s too busy holding onto his life. He was driving home from school when a semi truck ran a red light and crashed into his car. My inner church boy is praying he’s okay, but I’m not sure anymore. The nurse won’t let me go see him, and no one seems to listen to me. I’m fading into the background again.
“What did you say you’re boyfriend’s name was again, sir?”
“Jonghyun Kim.”
“Birthdate?”
“April 8, 1997.”
“I’ll see what I can do.”
More waiting, excellent.
The worst thing about waiting is that I have to do it alone. Jonghyun’s parents are in Korea, my mother’s in Chicago, and my brother’s off in Europe somewhere putting off college.
Wait,
Kibum!
Me: bummie get to the hospital like now
kibum: oh rlly why didn’t u call ur bf
Me: bc he’s the one in the hospital stupid !
kibum: omg what
Me: yeah he got in a car accident and no one’s helping me and i want to cut so bad and i feel like jumping out a window
kibum: ok i’ll be right there wait for me ok do not kill urself
{Tuesday April 1, 2014 – 6:35PM}
“Oh thank God you didn’t die,” Kibum says as he hugs me for the first time in forever.
“Don’t worry about me, worry about my boyfriend! He’s the one in the ICU right now.”
“How do you know he’s in the ICU? Was the accident really that bad?” Kibum asks.
“The nurse told me and apparently. I’m really scared right now I don’t want him to die, Kibum if he dies I’m dying,” I say as I sit down.
Kibum slaps me square across the cheek, “You will not kill yourself, you hear me Taemin Lee! You are going to live a long a promising life as a famous choreographer, with or without Jonghyun.”
“I don’t think I can do it, Kibum,” I say in the most honest tone of voice possible.
“You’re going to do it because I’m going to help you,” Kibum says grabbing my shoulders and looking me straight in the eye, “Taemin Lee, do not kill yourself, do you hear me?!”
I nod as tears stream down my face. Kibum wipes them off with his sleeve and tells me to stop crying and that everything’s going to be okay, but is he sure?
{Tuesday April 1, 2014 – 9:27PM}
Someone taps me on the shoulder, “excuse me sir but are you Mr. Taemin Lee?”
“Yeah, I’m him. Why?”
“Your boyfriend, Jonghyun Kim, was pronounced dead at 9:26PM. We tried the best we could but his wounds were too deep and he was losing blood too fast. I’m so sorry, if you- wait! Sir!”

{Tuesday April 8, 2014 – 3:45PM}
Whoever decided to have Jonghyun’s funeral on his birthday is a sick, sick person.
I feel so alone. I’m surrounded by dozens of people I don’t know, and hardly anyone knew Jonghyun was gay, so whenever I introduce myself, they just think I’m lying. If Jonghyun knew they thought like that, he would have already had a long talk with them. Jonghyun’s not here anymore, so, I guess that options gone.
I started cutting again. Jonghyun said to think of how much he cares if I ever want to cut, but since he’s not here anymore, there’s no one left to care about me. Sure, I have Kibum, but he’s away on a church retreat, so he won’t notice if I die between now and next Tuesday. No one will. Not even my mom acknowledges me. It’s kind of like I’m just an empty meat sack now, my soul is dead and gone by now.
I could just kill myself, right here. No one would notice. Everyone’s busy looking at pictures of Jonghyun and drinking punch. I could hang myself on the tree above me with my tie right now. Why haven’t I? I’m not scared of death, if anything, I laugh at death.
Ya think if I kill myself right here I could go see Jonghyun in Heaven?
Let’s find out.





goodbye.