Ms. Pierson turned and looked at the class, it was dead as usual. Her eyes scoped the empty faces of the young college students in their seats. She rolled her eyes, sucked in her cheeks, and then sat down in her chair and stared at us. There was no anger or fury, for once. She looked just as exhausted as the rest of us. She took in a heavy breath before silently clearing her throat. "Class?" She began, "do you know why I come here everyday?" Blank stares. "Of course not, nor have you ever wondered, pondered upon the thought, or even simply wished to ask me 'why?' You just come here, pretend to care, get your grades and leave. Nothing else matters, right? Because barely scraping by has become the norm. You would never even consider asking me why I come to this classroom everyday. Why I drive forty miles and wait in two hours of traffic every single day of the school year. Why's this?" She sat silently for a few moments. Everyone's attention focused directly upon her. She smiled, knowing that her lesson had become apparent. She was teaching us the value of openness, kindness, the wonder and concern for other people. "I come here to connect with people. This isn't just a job to me. In fact, I find the teaching part quite unbearable, yet I continue doing it because I love interacting with people."


I rested my head on my hand listening to her go on her rant. I looked at the clock on the wall, watching the second hand click slowly. My hand mindlessly traced the same name over and over again in my notebook. I looked at the carved letters in the page. I closed my eyes and saw his beautiful face.


"Ezra," I smiled. "I miss you so much. You have absolutely no clue."


He put his hand on my cheek and looked down into my eyes. I felt my cheeks turn bright red against his skin. "I know, I'm so sorry I've been gone for so long."


A tear slid across my skin, stopping at his thumb. He brushed it away and smiled again. "You know I love you, right?" I nodded. "Good, don't tear, my darling. I will always be with you."


My phone rang loudly bringing me out of my dream. My forehead slammed into the cold plastic desk sending a shock of pain through my skull. I wiped my arm across my cheek, great, I'd actually cried this time. No matter how much time had passed since Ezra had been gone, no matter how many days, weeks, months, I knew I just couldn't be happy. I couldn't move past him. The picture of his face exactly as I'd last seen it still remained burned into my brain. Each time recalling it seemed more painful than the last. I wasn't sure how much longer I could handle it before I had a breakdown, but I could tell it wouldn't be long.


I sighed as I slung my book bag onto my shoulder. Everyone else had already left the room except for me. Ms. Pierson turned to me.


"Erin?" She scrunched her eyebrows together, "if it's any of my business, may I ask what's been bothering you lately?" I stared at the wall behind her head. The question hadn't really registered until she recanted her statement. "Sorry, just tell me to keep my nose out. I'm just concerned for you that's all. You always used to seem so happy." I watched the corner of her mouth raise in a weak attempt at a smile. All it did was expose the true age of the poor woman. The wrinkles around her eyes deepened with each smile, as well as the creases surrounding her mouth. From a distance she appeared to be in her mid twenties to early thirties. But up close, her lines told a different story. One of years of teaching, heartbreak, and stress. You could tell that she was emotionally much older, and in the oddest of ways, it made you respect her.


I smiled at her and whispered, "Thank you." She nodded.


I headed to the parking lot where I saw my crusty little rust-eaten sedan sitting under the tree. I rummaged around in my bag for my key, after a few minutes of an unsuccessful attempt, final success. I saw my reflection in the window. My cheeks had sunken in, my hair was a tangled fringed blond mess. My eyes had large dark rings surrounding them and my irises had faded to a dull dark brown from the brilliant honey-brown they had once been. I was a poor broken image of what I had once been. I hadn't quite noticed how bad it had gotten until that point in time. A faded image of happiness, gone with my joy and love. The day I'd lost Ezra was the day I lost my liveliness.


I rested my head against the glass and closed my eyes. A feeling of uneasiness overcame me, a dizzy spell, anxiety attack, the feeling of depression, I'm not sure which. Whatever it was caused a pit to emerge in my stomach. My cheeks started watering, my stomach cramping, and I bent over in extreme pain and vomited onto the pavement. Tears streaked down my face and my throat burned. I opened the car door and put my key in the ignition. Still feeling uneasy, I turned it. The stereo pumped loud pop into my ears. Not something I was to be in the mood for at the point in time. Why couldn't my day start to improve instead of getting worse? I just wanted to go home, take some Nyquil, and go to bed and it seemed to be that was too much to ask for. I smacked the volume knob on my dash and pulled out of the parking lot.


I kept remembering the dream. How Ezra looked at me, the way his hair gleamed in the light, the amount of absolute love and devotion in his bright blue eyes. He was so painfully beautiful. So painfully easy to love. So painfully easy to lose.


The chain of cars behind me were honking angrily. The daydreams had begun to occur more often, in more dangerous or compromising situations. Any point in time when my brain had the chance to wander into a different thought it would automatically refer to thoughts of Ezra. The way his eyes looked, the color, the bushiness of his eyebrows, even the way that his lips stuck out further than a normal person's. He'd always appeared pouty and it was one of the things I had absolutely loved about him. It was mainly one of the things about him that I missed the most.



I turned into the parking lot of my apartment complex and parked in my usual spot. Little kids were running around the playground unsupervised. The sight of them laughing and smiling made me happy. Their chubby little cheeks rounded with happiness as they swung from the monkey bars. After some thought, I realized I would never have that happiness to watch grow up. I would never have a daughter or son to put on the bus and wait excitedly for them to come home. I would never have a husband to cut the umbilical cord and hold our baby for our first family picture at the hospital. I turned from them and closed my eyes, hot tears streaming down my face. I felt the pit in my stomach again, another dizzy spell. My stomach clenched harder this time than before and it hunched me over in a ball. I vomited and then collapsed into the car. “Why?” I moaned. My cheeks and eyes were watering. I had never been in so much pain before.


I attempted a pathetic run up the stairs to my apartment and stumbled with the key for a few minutes before finally getting the door open. I rushed to the bathroom and hunched over the toilet. The cramps and pain were still there this time only worse than before. What could have possibly been causing this? What had I eaten the day before that would have given me such horrible cramps and caused me to become ill? I couldn't come up with anything, salad for lunch, bagel for breakfast. There was no possibility that it was anything I'd eaten that could have caused it.


I stood up after getting sick a few more times and looked at my face in the mirror. My cheeks weren't their usual rosy color, there was sweat dripping down my forehead and my bangs were matted to my face. I reached up and ran my fingers down my cheek. My skin was cold and clammy. I knew something wasn't right. I called out from the bathroom. “Skylar? Skylar are you home yet? I need some help!” I awaited a response from my room mate. She had told me the day before she wouldn't be home until late but I thought it was worth a try to summon her. After a few moments of no response I walked out to the living room of our small complex. I looked around for any sign that the girl or her boyfriend would be there, but there was none. I saw the phone lying on the table in front of our couch and picked it up, shakily dialing and holding it up to my head.


After a few rings I heard the calming groggy response that I was hoping for. “Hello?”


“Hi, mom? It's Erin.”



“Hi, sweetheart, it's been ages, what's up?”


I informed her of my current predicament. I told her I had no clue what could have possibly caused it. That I hadn't eaten anything undercooked or rotten. She ended up sounding just as confused and concerned as I was.


“Honey, it sounds like you may have the stomach bug. Are you going to go to the doctor and have it checked out? It really could be something serious and I don't want anything bad happening to you, especially since you're out of my care and all you have is Skylar.” my mother had never liked my roommate since I had put the ad up in the newspaper. “You know that she won't do anything except bring that boyfriend of her's over and leave you to fend for yourself. Especially if it may result in her getting sick as well..” she was right, always right.



“I... I know, mother. What do I do? I can't afford a trip to the hospital right now. I can barely afford the rent and food. What am I supposed to do?”


She thought just for a moment. “I'm coming over to get you and you're going to the hospital whether you want to or not. Are we clear?” I knew there was no point in arguing with her because she'd make me go regardless.



I wrapped myself in my knit sweater and put on my moccasins before leaving my apartment once again. I had left a note on the kitchen counter explaining what had been going on and where I was and would be for a few hours, it told her not to worry. That it was nothing serious. But I never mentioned specifics. I only told her that my mother had taken me to an appointment because I hadn't been feeling well, I figured that that was all she needed to know.


I sat on the bottom step of my stairwell watching the parking lot while I waited for my mother to come. The children had gone inside and the sun had gone behind some clouds. Cold wind was blowing in from the mountains as it was the start of winter. I absolutely hated the cold. It put a damper on all of my favorite activities and confined me to the inter-quarters of my dwellings, forcing me to resort to reading and writing for my only sources of entertainment.


I looked up to the dark clouds and watched as they slowly moved over the town. It reminded me of the many times Ezra and I had driven out to fields and laid on the roof of his car watching the clouds fly over us. We would lay for hours, talking about our future. We would laugh at the thought of fighting over who got which side of the bed, who would wake up first to make the other breakfast. We would smile at the thought of having our two daughters, who would wake up during the night to take care of them. Thinking about how big of a wedding to have. Sometimes we would look at catalogs together, picking out cakes and dresses and rings. And most of the time we would agree on it. Sometimes we argued, but it never hurt us. We loved each other so much that it didn't matter who had started it, why it had happened. And when it came down to the point of tears he would wrap his arms around me and take the blame. I nuzzled my face into his chest and sobbed leaving giant wet marks and he pet my hair and told me that everything would be ok. It was one of the things I missed the most about him.


I looked up as my mother pulled into the driveway. She parked next to my car and got out. There was never a time when the woman didn't look concerned about me. “Hi, mom.” I croaked. Her eyes widened and she held her arms open to me.


“Honey,” she said “have you been crying?”


I reached up and wiped the tears from my cheek. I couldn't help but cry when I thought of him. Being promised the world and then losing that person, losing them forever, their promises and guarantees that they'll always be there. Losing that sense of eternal safety and love and adornment destroys all sense of feeling that you've ever had. You don't realize the amount of sadness you feel until someone else points it out. “No, it's from when I got sick.”


“Oh dear,” she sighed, “let's get you out of this wind and go.” I followed her orders and walked with her to the car. Once I was in the car she turned to look at me. “Don't lie to me, hon. Tell me what's wrong. What's got you down lately?”


I thought for a moment. She knew that I didn't want to talk about it. She'd tried to get me to for the last month and a half. I didn't want to talk about him. My mental health couldn't handle it. She knew that. “Nothing, mom, I promise.” I smiled at her.


“Ok.” she smiled, “if you ever need anything, don't be afraid to let me know ok?”


I nodded. She pulled out of the parking lot and turned in the direction of the hospital. The car ride was generally quiet with a few exceptions of futile attempts at starting a conversation which I was unwilling to cooperate with. She tried to get me to open up but I just kept staring out the windows and thinking about Ezra. She could tell I was distracted and eventually gave up. I turned and stared at her. Her graying hair and sunken eyes made her look twenty years older than she actually was. Her lips were a thin line compared to the plump puckered pair that they used to be. She was still just as beautiful as she had always been, my mother, but in a more matured and aged way.


“How are Eric and Lily? He hasn't talked to me much since I moved out.” My mother hadn't liked to talk much about my older brother since he'd gotten married. He and his girlfriend found out they were expecting and rushed into a marriage after a two month relationship. She had disapproved of it but since the pair had been married for three years and successfully raised two children in a nice home she'd warmed up to the idea.


“Last I heard they were going to try for a third. Lily likes the whole mothering thing and they want to move to a bigger house closer to home.”


“How can they get a bigger house than that? It's a mansion!”


She laughed, “I know, they're spoiling themselves. Besides, they're just going to buy a new car in a few months again anyway, they won't have the money for it. They might have to downgrade to an apartment closer to us. Which, quite honestly, I wouldn't mind at all. I'd like to see my grand kids more often.”


Our conversation came to an end when we pulled into the parking lot of the hospital. The tall building loomed over the entire parking lot. It was twelve stories tall plus the basement and the many garages for emergency vehicles and hospital staff. The windows of the rooms were covered up by the curtains to provide the privacy of the people in them, and in the few that weren't there were flowers or empty beds. The atmosphere reminded me of death and illness, and it made me think of the smell of medication.


“Are you sure coming here was a good idea? Couldn't I just have waited until tomorrow to see if I was still sick and then-”


“No.” she said abruptly. I surrendered and closed my mouth.


We walked through the front doors and found the ER registration desk. The woman behind the counter greeted us with an overenthusiastic smile. “Hello ladies, I just need you to fill out this paperwork here and then we'll send you right in to talk to the nurse.”


My mom took the paperwork and explained what was wrong to the nurse. After a long series of questions they sent me back to the waiting room to wait until a doctor was ready to take me in for an examination. I sat next to my mom and picked up a magazine. I didn't have any actual interest in the magazine itself, but I knew that if I stared at it, my brain would take over and I could think about him again plus my mother wouldn't try to start up another conversation again. I decided to stare at a picture of a well dress man with a fake smile, perfect teeth, perfect hair, perfect shoes and clothes. I thought about how artificial everything was. Trying to get people to be a “more beautiful” version of themselves when all they had to do was be happy and they were automatically better. Being fake doesn't make anyone beautiful.


“You're beautiful, baby,” he said. His teeth so white and just the slightest bit crooked. The one thing that kept him from being completely perfect. “never ever forget it either.” I smiled at him and stood on my tiptoes to meet his lips. He smiled against my mouth and pulled away. He ran his hand through my hair and down my back, staring intently into my eyes.


“I miss you.” I said. “You have no clue how hard it is without you here. I'm dying without you. My heart hurts, my body aches, and I just flat out miss you more than anything.” he pursed his lips at me, “You really need to come back to me.” my voice began to crack and shake. I felt the tears building up in my eyes.


“Sweetheart?” he wrapped himself tightly around me, “I will always be with you. I promise, I'll see you again someday. Ok? Don't be sad, be happy for me. Please?”


I shook my head, “I... I can't do that. I just can't be happy without you. I told you that would happen and I know that you knew I was right. You agreed with me, you promised me that it would never have to be like that you promised you woud always be there. I can't be without you any longer it's killing me, Ez.”


He closed his eyes. “I promise, Erin. Erin?”


I opened my eyes. My mother was looking at me, “Honey, the doctor is calling you.”


I stretched and stood, making uncomfortable eye contact with the doctor. “Mom?” I asked, “Will you come in with me.” she nodded her head. How pathetic was I, a twenty-two year old asking her mother to go in to speak with the doctor with me.


The doctor led us down three long hallways full of rooms with patients, some screaming children, someone bleeding profusely, and a screaming woman giving birth. It was all hectic and overwhelming. Finally we stopped at a door and the doctor opened it and stepped in, flipping on a light switch. He walked across the small room to a stool with wheels and sat down, motioning for me to sit on the bed.


“Erin Perish. Twenty-two. Five foot four. Brown eyes. One hundred sixty five pounds.” he was mumbling to himself as he looked through my paperwork. “Erin?” he asked.


“Yes?”


“Symptoms?” the man was very short and to the point with words, which I guess was necessary in being an ER doctor.


“I vomited a few times earlier for no reason. It was sudden. I felt uneasy and then got extremely painful stomach cramps and then I threw up, and I had become extremely lightheaded.” he wrote some things down on his clipboard and continued flipping through the papers.


“Are you on birth control?”


I nodded my head, “I have been for about seven months now.”


“Has there ever been any issues before while you were taking it?” I shook my head, “Have you changed brands since you started taking it?” another no, “Alright, I want to take a few blood samples if that won't be a problem”


“No, that's fine.” I reassured him. I watched him walk over and take out some empty vials, a strip of rubber and a needle attached to a tube. He grabbed a small package with a sterile pad inside of it and a cotton ball and some tape.


“Here, lie back and extend your arm. This is going to pinch a bit and will take about five to ten minutes tops.”


I leaned back and felt him working on my arm, the cold wipe and the piece of rubber, and I let myself drift off into thought. I started thinking about the day. Thoughts of my dreams filled my head, thoughts of Ezra, thinking again about our now nonexistent future.


I looked into his blue eyes, with moonlight coming through the window they were absolutely stunning. I smiled and kissed him. I ran my hand across his bare chest as he ran his through my hair. His body heat was better than any heating blanket or heater could achieve. I wrapped my leg around his under our blanket and pulled him closer to me. He wrapped his arms around me and pushed his lips against my forehead.


“I better never have to wake up alone, mister.” I giggled. He flashed his teeth at me with an amused chuckle.


“Alone, psh, the only reason you'd ever wake up alone is if you banished me to the couch.” we both laughed. Our silly back and forth banter was always nonsense. He put my head under his chin and sighed, holding me as close to him as he possibly could. I never wanted to move. We were so comfortable and warm and happy. I fell asleep with a smile on my face. The next morning I woke up to the smell of food being cooked. He'd won today, but I could guarantee he wouldn't win the next.


I walked down the hall to the kitchen and laughed at the sight of my shirtless fiancee cooking bacon. He was playing the radio and dancing around. There were two glasses of orange juice next to an empty bowl and a jug of milk. His hair was frayed out to the sides from lack of attention. I could tell he had come out to make breakfast as soon as he'd woken up. He was dancing and trying to transfer the bacon from the pan to the plate and yelped.



“Ooh ooh ooh owie owie owie.”


I laughed from the door frame and walked over to help him. “Honey,” I giggled, “are you okay?”


“I burnt my hand.” he stuck out his bottom lip and widened his eyes.


“Here, give it.” I took his hand and kissed it. He smiled at me, “Better?” he nodded. “Good. What did you make for us?” he walked to the table.


“Eggs, juice, bacon, and if you'd like, my love, a bagel with cream cheese.” he smiled with pride. There was absolutely no way I could tell him that I wasn't hungry. I sat in the chair next to where I was standing and he pushed it in for me. He put the bacon on my plate and smiled at me. He was the cutest thing ever. He sat in the chair next to mine and started eating his food. I watched him eat. I looked at the tattoo on the left side of his chest, watching it move every time he brought the fork to his mouth. The muscles in his cheek clenched with each bite and his jaw stuck out. He looked up at me and swallowed his mouth full.


“Aren't you going to eat, sweetie?”


“Oh, yeah,” I smiled, “sorry.” he watched me eat and smiled. He was genuinely amused with me. The amount of happiness I felt was indescribable at that moment.


We finished our breakfast and put our plates in the sink. I would do them after he left for work so that I could spend extra time with him. We sat on the couch for a few minutes watching the early morning news. I felt him shifting and knew it was almost time for him to leave. The thought made me sad. He stood and walked to the bedroom, still in his sweatpants and nothing else. I stood and followed him. When I got to the room he had already changed pants and was struggling into a black button up shirt and gray and black striped tie. I walked over to the closet and pulled out his shoes for him. He put a pair of socks on and then, grunting, put the shoes on.


“Ready, babe?” I asked. He nodded and I knew it was time for him to leave.


Tears were running down my face. “Yes, Sargent.” I put the phone down. I had to sit down before I passed out. I turned on the tv to the news station and watched the woman on the screen.


“Earlier today local resident Ezra Eden's car was found submerged in Fell's pond. Authorities have said that there is no sign of a body in the car, but they will search the pond for any further evidence. Eden was-” I turned it off. I didn't want to hear or see anymore. I couldn't handle hearing about my “missing” fiancee. Something wasn't right about the accident. Ezra never drove past the pond to get to work. Especially when he was running late for work. I couldn't help but feel uneasy about it.


“Alright, Erin. I'm going to run to the lab and I'll be back shortly. Just hang in tight for a few minutes alright?” I nodded. The doctor was out the door and my mother looked at me. She motioned to her eye, telling me that a tear was on my cheek.


“Mom?”


“Yes, love?”


“I miss him...” I closed my eyes, squeezing the oncoming tears out. She ran to my side.


“Oh, honey. I know you do. I know exactly how you feel. When your father died-”


“He's not dead, ma.”


She looked down sadly at the ground, “when we lost your father... I felt a part of me die. And when we went to the funeral, I buried that part of myself. I had to let go or else I was going to go insane. You don't have to stop missing him or even loving him. You don't even have to stop hoping that one day he'll come back. You just can't hold on to the fact that he's gone. Let go of that part of yourself that's sad.”


“I've been trying for a month, mother. I have never had such a hard time doing anything, ever, in my entire life. This is awful, and I've been crying more often. I don't know what I can do to distract myself from thinking about him. Every time I think of him... I end up sobbing.”


Our conversation was cut short by the doctor reentering the room. He put his clipboard down on the counter and situated himself on the stool so that he was facing me. “Erin, I left the samples in the lab. They're just going to run a few tests on them. White blood cell count, hypoglycemic index, stuff like that. It could take a few hours to a few days depending on what they end up seeing and how many tests they decide to run. I'll make sure to call you back as soon as we get the test results and then you'll no longer need to be worried. Sound good?” I nodded my head. “Alright, so I'll just send you out to the receptionist with this paperwork and then you are free to go.”




I pulled the seat belt across my chest and heard it click. “Mom?” I asked, “What if there's something extremely wrong with me? What if I need dialysis or have a low white blood cell count or have some horrible life threatening disease?”


She smiled at me, “Have you ever trusted my 'mother's instinct'?”


“No.” I laughed .


“Well you ought to start."