I’m Scared;

I cant help how I feel sometimes. I understand everyone goes through shit but how you choose to feel after is what makes everyone’s shit different. I don’t choose to feel this way but it’s how it is. I’m scared. I’m scared of a lot of things. The smaller things keep me up at night; contemplating my own actions, good or bad. I have a thing for telling my feelings without telling them. Weird I know but I could make this all about me without giving you any information about me and I plan to do exactly that. Here’s the problem, I categorize a lot of how I feel as insecurities. Why? Simple. My fears are all based off of past memories. Specifically ones where a situation didn’t go how I assumed and I felt as though it’s my fault. I’ll break it down into a certain category that strikes a lot of these fears. This might not make any sense yet but let me continue. It breaks down into several categories; emotional, mental, physical, admiration, family, friends, school, and last but not least future. For now somethings are obvious but no ones fully discovered each category of my thoughts and fears. No one actually knows.....me. I’ll try my best to depict how my brain works at this certain category. Friends. Easy right? Not exactly. Let me start from the beginning. I was someone who believed my life was going in one path. No changes, no new, and most importantly no loss. I was wrong of course. Queue the awkward laughter right! My friends were always one group of people. I had what I called “side” friends. Side friends are basically a cooperative relationship between a peer from school where we called each other friends but we both secretly understood that a future between us isn’t planned. We all do it. My side friends came and went; open doors for them whenever they felt the need. I sound careless but let me explain. My main focus was on the people I called my friends, the real ones at least. These people I planned my whole future with them there. I planned believing in something that was not what I had thought it was. So far everything I’m saying sounds like a bunch of nonsense so just keep reading and let me put this in a way where it’s more logical. Loss is a big subject That contributes to each category I listed earlier. I fear loss and so when I lost from the friends category my brain almost corrupted itself and destroyed every other category. It was like everything in my brain clashed into one. Don’t get me wrong I’ve lost in the family category but death is easier then losing someone who continues to breathe and live a new life away from yours. Death for the people I’ve lost was not a choice and that is something I’m thankful for. For these friends who still live, it was a choice to leave me and that’s what hurts the most. So where does the fear come in? Ok well, I may have been able to gather some of my feelings, emotions, thoughts, and memories back into their categories but damage is always permanent. So the constant loss made the fear grow and made each category in my head messy. It was no longer as organized as before and now it’s maybe a little better but there’s still lost feelings, emotions, thoughts, and memories not in their categories. Like a corrupt business. I’m scared. I’m scared to lose the people I’ve come to find. They may not know but they helped put some things in order. They made the pain a little number and the fear a little more dull. It’s still there but that’s just my own insecurity. Now all I think is What if they hate me? What if I’m not doing this friend thing right? What if I’m actually hurting them? But the scariest question I could think to build my fear; what if they leave me too? So yes I’m scared to lose the people I’m thankful for, I’m scared to hurt them, and I’m scared to become someone they realized they didn’t want around. I met a group of these friends but I’ll pin point two of them. Number 1 I knew her the longest. She’s broken like me and maybe it’s not healthy but I couldn’t imagine not having her there to help fix me the same I try to help fix her. Number 2 Is also broken maybe not as much as I could believe but she’s a very hidden person one that doesn’t speak of her feelings and that’s what makes me want to protect her as well. I had a dream about 1&2 yesterday. I don’t plan to tell them because they aren’t the only friends of the group but this dream I believe in it and I believe that these two out of the whole group will become something more to me. Sisters? Maybe! Hopefully! The dream was vivid. A theme park. Definitely abandoned. A Ferris wheel; we sat at the top of the Ferris wheel me and the two. They laughed and joked in slow motion and I was just smiling watching them. I looked down and there were bodies laying covered at the bottom. A tear slipped out of my eyes and I felt that fear again. When I looked back at them they smiled at me and it was like I’d forgotten what my eyes just witnessed. I smiled back and mouthed “thank you” and they began laughing again, each one holding one of my hands. Number 2 covered my eyes and suddenly a tear slipped from her eyes and number 1 hugged me. I think it’s just gonna be us and I mentioned this to them but jokingly hoping not to seem like a bad friend to the others. I’m scared but I’m hopeful. Something might happen since the end of the dream was a bit confusing and that raises my fear again. Am I gonna become the odd one out? Is it gonna happen again? I trust them and I hope they don’t take that for granted like the others I’ve lost. Maybe if they are closer I could say something but as I said before I trust them and I trust who they’ll help me become. I’ve already cried to them and that’s not something I do with just anyone. I trust them with my secrets and I regret talking about how I feel all the time but maybe they’ll change that. I’m scared, Yes but they’re another chance for me to get better. I’m still broken for many reasons and they don’t know everything about me yet and it might take time but hopefully they’re here long enough to know...me. I hope they support me and believe in me as much they would help me and make me understand it’s ok to feel how I feel because who I lost before couldn’t make me feel that and so maybe their loss was a blessing in disguise. My categories are not organized. they’re broken machines in a factory of a corrupt business but who says good construction never made the damaged workable again. Damaged is always damaged but sometimes it functions just as new. All that’s left is to be thankful for these two people and maybe they’ll be the construction I need. I’m scared, but I believe.