When your main issue at 16 is surviving a deadly disease you often ask your self “Why me?”. Why do I have to go through this while all my friends get to party? Why can’t I just worry about crushes and school like them? Why can’t I just be a normal teenager? All of these questions sting with anger and they are all quintessential to your cancer/chronic illness journey. 

Your youth passing you by is one of the most frustrating things about being a sick kid. I really wish make a wish offered a pause button because I  think that would be a very popular option. We are supposed to enjoy our youth but when a diagnosis is placed in front of you at age 16 you are forced into an almost adult role. You don’t have time to worry about typical teenage things because your life is on the line. Instead of being in the hospital, we are supposed to be at parties, friends’ houses, or doing anything that doesn’t include having a tube connected to you wherever it may be. 

At a certain point the question of  “why me?” doesn’t hold as much pain but is rather left unanswered but that takes time. It takes time to come to terms with the idea that you are simply unlucky. You beg for an answer because it feels so unfair that out of everyone you have to deal with this sh*tty thing. It is easier to just be angry at the world for putting you through hell than just coming to terms with it. In no way am I here to spew some bulls**t about how you can’t be angry. You can and should be angry, hell I am too. Anger is a huge part of your post-diagnosis life. It is valid even if you “have the good cancer” or are able to live a somewhat normal life. This should not happen to anyone let alone someone so young. We should not have to think about death this young. We should not know the ins and outs of hospitals before we learn how to drive. We don’t deserve any of this so you should be f**king angry. You should be cursing at the world for choosing you to be one of “God’s strongest warriors”. So scream into your pillow, yell at the sky, or journal aggressively whatever you need to do in order to get your teen angst out. 

That is why I’m not telling you to pretend you aren’t angry. Instead, I am telling you that you will always be angry but you learn to manage it. You learn that being angry doesn’t solve your problem, make the pain go away, or cure you. It’s a valid expression but it soon becomes a waste of time. It becomes something that blocks you from living your life to the fullest. Take it from me I was a really angry cancer kid. I have since calmed down but do have my spits of rage on the occasion.  During my second round of chemo, my anger was at an all-time high. I had to do immunity shots during my off week which defeats the whole idea of an “off week” because those shots have wicked side effects. I was fed up with feeling like I was dying and having my hair come out in clumps. The built-up tension resulted in a crying fit in the nurse’s station. I don't remember much since I was drugged up but I remember crying out the phrase “I just want to go to a f**king party and kiss a f**king boy why do I have to do this bulls**t? I am only sixteen, why me?”. There were plenty of moments like this. Pure teenage angst combined with the harsh emotions of cancer results in breakdowns, lots of them. But at a certain point, the breakdowns lessen as you come to grip with your new normal. The beginning of the adjustment is always the hardest because you expect everything to fall back in place once you’re cancer free but it doesn’t and it never will. This confusing phase is filled with breakdowns bringing up the quintessential question. You beat cancer and yet you still aren’t a normal teenager. Your life is still filled with fear, doctor’s appointment, and a lack of innocence and teen ignorance. This is a very angry phase given the unexpected change. Once the new normal settles in and you can’t even recognize your old self that’s when, for me, the question of “why me?” started to sting less. 

I came to the realization that my old life isn't coming back so I needed to stop wasting time hating my new one.  Once this happened I was able to enjoy my life without comparing it to the past. I used to spend a lot of time reminiscing on memories when I was innocent and had no clue what was coming.  I put those memories on a pedestal which only kept me from enjoying the present moment. If cancer has taught me one thing it's that life is too short so why the f**k am I wasting this precious life on living in the past. So I guess the key to living with “the question” is that there is no answer. No answer and no way to undo what you have gone through so try your best to stop asking for one.  Now of course it’s ok to still be angry, you went through hell or are still going through it but begging the world for an answer as to why your life has changed is wasting your time. 

I am leaving you with an excerpt from my journal, 

I used to spend a lot of my time begging for my life to go back to the way it was. All I wanted was to be “normal” and look “normal”. But I have realized, that I did not fight this hard to live in the past. I fought this hard to have a future so I need to start living in it.

I hope you can do the same.

Best regards,

A sick kid