Dear Lovely Reader, 

As you know my name is Sophie. Welcome to, what I like to call, “All the things you never knew”, or, “The Last Rally”. These are my most valuable thoughts and concerns.

Something as a young adult I had a problem with was leaving the past behind me. I feel as if I am not able to forget, and I continue to dwell on such pointless small things from my past. For some reason, I cannot explain why I am hung up on past exes, and friends. They are exes for a reason, why can I not understand this?  These people hurt me and beat me down to my core, yet I continue to sympathize and reminisce over them. I truly do believe that everything happens for a reason, but sometimes I think, Why? Why put someone through such heartbreaking things? And the worst part about it is never getting closure. When you never got the apology or explanation you deserved so the thought is just constantly ripping through your mind and tearing apart your brain. 

I also wonder why I am seventeen years old and feel this way. One moment I am on top of the world all the way with the stars, and the next I am living with ants in the dirt. I sometimes wonder to myself if there is something wrong with me, and I assumed other people my age felt the same. Once I realized I was wrong I decided to just hide it away for a while. If I brought it to my parents I would get the usual,, “Knock off the sugar”, comment. Yes, as it may be true sugar results in a lot of negative things in your body, but when I am sad and feel so alone and all I need is reassurance, I do not need to be reading articles about the effects of sugar on your blood cells. Now, I know my parents better than they know themselves, they don't know it, but I do. So I have learned what I can and cannot say to them about my emotions or how I am feeling. I was pretty much taught or leaned towards the idea that mental health was not real and that anything can be healed with a vitamin, or at least that's what it seemed like to me. That's why I tend to not show or say how I feel. After a while, I begin to feel so afraid of my emotions. I eventually became afraid of myself due to the anger. I never knew what I was capable of, or what I might say or do. Sometimes I wish I could truly be happy again. When I was young and innocent. When I didn't care what I looked like, or what my social status was. I do hope to slowly get better at these types of things, and to begin to start to look at positive outlooks and ideas. 

Let's talk about love. 

Ah, what is love? A strong emotion towards one another? Or is it just something you say to show loyalty or lust? I believe love to be something you feel in your stomach you get with that one person. It's a feeling you cannot describe, you just know it's there. Sometimes, I believe love to be weakening. You are blinded by love, and cannot see logical ways of thinking. You are so devoted to one person and you give them every piece of your body and mind then BAM, gone. Just like that. They're gone. The center, core of all your emotions is just...missing. Where is love now? You thought love was joyful and exhilarating, but now it becomes detrimental and deteriorating. It brings you down to nothing. I hope to love again someday, but I am scared. I am left with the thought that love is not real. I do not believe in love anymore. So tell me, how do I trust in something that I do not believe in? Being the age that I am, I have not had much experience with love. The experiences I have had have taught me to be careful and to put up walls. I believe this is the reason I truly have not been able to feel deeply for anyone since, but maybe I just have not found my person yet. I am afraid. I am truly terrified to go through another heartbreak. I have now learned to keep my guard up to protect myself and it gets lonely, but at least I am not suffering a heartache. This is because I find it hard to look past the loss or absence of someone. Not necessarily death, but the feeling when someone you love or revolve around is no longer in your life. 

Next, let's talk about high school. 

That place a dump of a sh*thole. Biggest rollercoaster to exist. Girl drama, boy drama, first loves, the stress of grades, sports, you know the whole shebang. During high school, I had my experience with sh*tty people. I have had people tear me down until there is nothing left of me to be torn apart and they did not even look back for a second. Girls can be so mean, with their words or even actions. Sometimes it is crazy to me that these girls actually post terrible hateful things about someone on a social media platform for them to see. There comes a point in high school when everyone reaches their breaking point. Honestly, I thought I would reach mine halfway through senior year, but I guess my junior year had a different plan. High school is not even over yet and I have already had crazy learning experiences. It taught me many things as well as changing my thought process and the way I think. 

My motto has become, “In the end, you only have yourself”, because honestly in the end everyone just leaves, and here you are. Protecting myself and building up walls has become so lonely, and I thought it would make me happier. It did for a while, but now it has become so constant in my lifestyle to the point where I end up hurting other people. Everyone at some point leaves, although some do come and go multiple times. It also gets harder to believe that people still care about me, but for some reason, I tend to push them away as well. 

I thought by being defensive would protect me from another heartbreak, but all it did was cause another. This was a feeling I never wanted to feel ever again, but there I was again in my darkroom with my sweats and greasy hair. I hate having that feeling of knowing someone is just completely gone and has no regrets. I was in love with this kid. I would have given him the world, I would have done anything for him. I opened up my heart to him in ways I didn't even think were possible. I had many issues handling my emotions that caused him to leave. He needed to leave to truly be happy because all I was doing was dragging him down. He was the most important person to me. I could tell he genuinely cared for me and I lost him in an instant. I truly was in love with him, and I don't say or have that emotion very often. I believe he and I are meant to be, maybe not in this life, but another. I opened up to him and tore down all the walls I spent months rebuilding. Just for him. Just for him to leave like the rest. I was so shocked to see how happy he was the day after I got the, “I wish you the best”, text.  It took all of me to get out of bed and go to school let alone fake a smile. He was yelling to his friends and cracking jokes like nothing even happened. It was almost as if I was a ghost to him. Pointless waste of space. I think that was pure heartbreak having to see him so unbelievably happy without me. Did I really make him that unhappy? I'm jealous of how happy he is because I wish I was that happy, but yet again I cannot seem to let the past move along behind me. I guess I am still hoping he will come back to me, but he seems to already be doing better. All I want is for him to be happy, but why can I not also be happy? Part of me wishes he was miserable right now, but seeing him sad makes me so upset. I hate feeling so weak. I can feel it in my whole body. Not just my heart. Although it began in my heart it began to seep through my veins to my whole body until it was flowing with weakness. Sometimes I cannot believe how quickly I let you slip through my hands. I try to force myself to fake a smile and to hide behind these tears, but seeing you makes me forget all of that. I really do wish him the best. I just wish I could accept the fact that he needs a fresh start. I cannot decide which heartbreak hurts more. Either way, they both suck. I am not sure why love was created because all it is is weakening the human race. I do not know if I should wait for him or not. I am torn between accepting the sadness or being the strong woman who acts like she needs no one. I try to act that way but it ends up feeling so stupid to me that I am pretending to be somebody I am not. I really wish we could have gotten this right. We deserved so much and never got what we wanted together. I wish I would not have let my jealousy and anger get in the way. Seeing him so happy does nothing but break my heart over and over again. It's concerning to me seeing him this happy and has caused me to become disgusted with myself. To think I pushed someone so far away from their beautiful self. I feel this way because he never looked this happy when we were together. He told me not to change for him, but to change for myself. I am changing and getting better for myself, but I also want to be better for him. I was hoping once he left me all he would discover was suffering and hell, but I was absurdly mistaken. I miss looking for him right after the bell rings, I miss texting him good morning. I miss calling him at any hour. I miss his laugh. I miss the face he makes when I have chocolate on my face. I miss him in my life. I miss having him here. I miss you. Without him, a whole section of my life has just disappeared. Hearing his name or voice right now makes me sick. It makes me sick to think of not having him here. 

 I really do wish happiness upon him and I hope he does know how much I loved him. I didn't just love him, I was in love with him. And I hope he never settles for less because he deserves the world and I wish I could be the one to give it to him. I'm sorry I could not be that person. I hope she's a packer fan and has the deepest love for Milwaukee, even though Chicago will always be the best city. I envy his strength and I hope he never loses it. I am very disappointed in myself, but I also am in him. I know I got mad and I said some things, but I apologized and even got on my knees and begged him for forgiveness, and he didn't even budge. I wonder to myself how he speaks about me when I am not there. I hope it will be good, but let's be real we know teenage boys and we all know it is not good. I contemplate texting you just to text you about your day, but I can see it would just do damage. I was told to give you time and space. But how much time? What if I give you too much time and you forget about me? Am I really going to lose you forever? I guess I really cannot give myself closure because we never got any of the things we wanted, so I am still longing for them to happen. False hope makes me look like an idiot. I feel like an idiot for falling in love with you. It was one of those right person, wrong time kinds of things. In the future I know we will meet again. I am not sure how far into the future, but I know, you know?

For all the loves or “what could have been love”, loves I could not be more grateful for them. Now looking back I realize that they are all journeys getting me to where I am supposed to be. I learned so much about how to be a better person and a better girlfriend. Although I am still trying to find my way. I know I will figure it out someday. 

Here I am writing again four months later to give you my changed opinions and thoughts. In the beginning, this letter was supposed to be my goodbye and or “suicide note” explaining my life. I had so much hate for the world and the people in it, including myself. As time went on I came to an understanding that I had a purpose for this life. You get to a point where you realize you only have one life. You have to start living in the moment and caring less. I went through a period full of so much hatred. Lately, I have realized, we don’t have a lot of time on this earth. There's only one more year left of high school. One more volleyball season, one last football game, one last homecoming, one last day running around halls with your old beat-up backpack. I forgave my old friends. They may have not apologized, but I did forgive them. I could not live my life freely while having so much hate. And as for love, I will be patient. I have to stop looking for it because I know it will come to me. There have been so many people that have recently come and gone in my life, and I am grateful for so many of those people. Others have returned in my life, and others have left, but I know it's all about the process. I am excited about what the future holds for me. I have fallen in love with life, and I could not be happier. It truly will always get better. I promise you that much.