Sometimes when an eyelash falls on my cheek, I scoop it up with my finger and blow it into the wind. I heard People say that when you wish on an eyelash, the wish comes true, so I always wish on my eyelashes.
When I was little, People said that I shouldn’t step on cracks. Something about mothers and backs and somesuch. Whatever it was, still find myself stepping over the cracks instead of onto them. I find that one can never be too careful.
In fact, I find prudence to be the finest quality in a human being. Prudence will always keep you safe, especially when eating poultry. I find it safest to avoid the stuff altogether, ever since People told me that the bird-flu was coming for us.
Another time, People told me that swine-flue was going to be a big problem. So I drove to all the nearby farms and slaughtered the pigs before they could infect us all.
Once People told me that everybody loves the British. So I started driving on the left side of the road. And it turns out People were right – usually nobody acknowledges me but now almost everyone on the street waves as I go by.
Another time, People told me that little green elves fly around the streets at night and pick up all the cigarette butts and bottles that have accumulated during the day. So now I always make sure to throw my trash on the street, to make sure that the elves have something to do. I guess I’m just thoughtful that way.


Yesterday, People told me that radiation would make me immune to cancer. So I paid a visit to my local nuclear power plant and sat next to the reactor for 24 hours. I feel so much healthier now.

Today, I was out walking with some People and we decided to impersonate lemmings and hurl ourselves off a nearby cliff. It sounded like a good idea at the time . . .