I Am Not Fragile
Masculinity and effeminacy. I have always been in the middle of these words. I know I have my “girly” moments when it comes to what I listen to, my necklace collection, and how I apparently walk and talk. Then, apparently my “straight guy” tendencies take over and I dress “ungay” like, know certain straight shows, and don’t put my “gayness” out there all the time. It is only just recently that I act all “girly” because I don’t fear the consequences as much. Still I’m trying to wrap my mind around what all that means. I know there’s the whole separation of femininity and masculinity in the gay community and usually femininity is considered the official way in straight people’s minds. Then they find it shocking when they see a gay guy acting “straight.” (I've seen this from people around me)
Recently and for the past two years, I was put into question about which category I belonged in. During a computer lab session in a Gear Up program I do during the summer, this girl asked me, “Why don’t you dress gay?” My response was, “I don’t know. I wear what I like.” She proceeded to read me down, saying I should wear lighter colors, skinny jeans, and other types of apparently gay clothing. Here’s the thing though: I was a big girl. Before grade nine I weighed 230 pounds, so my butt wouldn't have looked right in a pair of those. Plus I was always told that dark colors made people look a bit slimmer. I didn't mind wearing darker hues, but apparently it wasn't “gay’ enough. After that, I responded with, “Why don’t you dress like a lesbian then?” I didn't know what that meant, but if she felt like reading me for my clothes why couldn't I?
Two comments bothered me four weeks ago that was about my homosexuality. The first comment wasn't as hurtful and actually inadvertently ignorant. It was recreation time in the Gear Up program and I was in the pool’s deep end holding on to the ledge for dear life. This cute straight ninth grader called me over to talk to about how to make a girl happy. I gave him a puzzled look and he said, “I know you might have a clue since you have a girl’s brain.” I sank into the water for a moment and mouthed, “What the hell?” I came back up and thought for a moment. I wasn't mad at him-he was genuinely trying to get an answer and tried to find a solution. After a while I told him I don’t know, but I didn't have a girl’s brain because I like guys. The second comment that week was ignorant and hurtful. It was at a YMCA camp pavilion and we needed to get lunches off the bus. The T.A.’s (teacher assistance) assigned to us said all the boys to come and help. As all the boys rose up, including myself, this one guy said, “Even Justin?” I looked at him with a lot of hate in my eyes and said, “Really?!” What I really wanted to say was, “I have a penis hanging between my legs that are attached to my testicles!” I fought that urge since there were little kids around. His reasoning was, “Because he’s too fragile.” I was angry and responded, “And you’re an idiot!” I am not fragile, but just because he viewed homosexuality as an apparent effeminate quality was so. I was raised by my parents to be tough and I am, but just because I was gay all that went away.I just want to be viewed as a guy, no matter my sexual orientation. I am a boy and was born with the correct plumbing system. People shouldn't categorize others based on stereotypes.