Growing up with two younger brothers, conflict has been a predictable part of my life. There has always been something to yell about, whether it be who gets the front seat of the car, or who our dog loves best, or even who does the best wooly mammoth impression. I know, it sounds petty, but I have been thrown into a rage by even the smallest of issues. What I’ve learned from all of the bickering and pestering is that anger is an unpleasant, often dangerous emotion, and the ability to control it is a valuable skill. If you keep a cool head, you avoid burning bridges and can keep more friends later on.

One of the first things to know about anger is that it is a reactive emotion. It can be triggered by any number of events. We often address anger as if it has a root cause, but that cause is usually the straw that broke the camel’s back. Consider this scenario: You’ve just gotten your lunch and are walking to your table when you slip on the floor and spill your spaghetti all over someone you don’t know. Suddenly the guy has jumped up in your face and is yelling “Who do you think you are!?” It’s hard to understand why he’s getting all worked up over this. After all, you didn’t intentionally do anything wrong. Often there are things going on behind the scenes that can explain aggressive behavior.

Now think about this scenario: You wake up in the morning after a fitful night to find that you’ve run out of your favorite breakfast cereal. It’s cold and windy out when you walk to the bus stop, and you stub your toe on the sidewalk. Your school day is long and hard, and you can’t remember anything for the big history exam. You finally get a break from it all at lunch, and you are just starting to relax when some random klutz spills his lunch all over you. Even if the person is your best friend, you’re probably going to get pretty heated up over the accident. My point is that you can’t be mad at people any more than you can be happy or sad at them. While a person’s actions may contribute to your anger, it won’t be the only cause. So when your lunch mate starts screaming obscenities at you, don’t try to defend yourself. Humbly apologize and back out of the confrontation.

The situation outlined above is simply a day of bad luck, but the causes of anger can often be more complex. Family conflicts, stressful responsibilities, and quarrels with friends all have detrimental effects on a person’s mood. Confiding in other people is a great way to help relieve these tensions, but the wrong words can also make a situation worse. This often happens in my family. I remember one evening at the dinner table when my brother was in a particularly bad mood. He was slouched and grumbling with a frown plastered on his face.

My dad tried to coax him into conversation asking, “Did something happen at school today?”

My brother responded with, “I don’t want to talk about it.”

Still, my dad persisted, “You need to tell us if something is bothering you.”

This was not the thing to say in that situation. Angry people will already feel under pressure, and they don’t want to be told what to do. A better thing to say would be, “If you need to let anything out, I’m here to listen.” This way if my brother told my dad anything more, it would have been his own choice.

As it happened, my brother went on to tell my dad about how a teacher had given him lunch detention when all he did was talk to his friends in class.

Then my dad said, “Well it is the teacher’s job to make sure that the class is running smoothly, and teachers are within their rights to punish students for being disruptive. Did you tell the teacher how you felt about it after class?”

This was the second mistake my dad made, after which my brother stormed away from the kitchen table. When people are angry, they act like they are under attack. They hold onto their side of the story, no matter how biased it is. My dad was just trying to give my brother some perspective on the teacher’s position, but all my brother heard was that he was wrong for feeling the way he did. Unless you were present at the event in question, you can be pretty sure that you don’t have all of the information. When consoling someone who’s angry, your job is not to decide who is in the right. You just want to help the other person calm down. Be empathetic. Tell him or her that you may not understand what they are feeling, but that you are there for them when they need you. Any details can be handled when the person is in a less volatile state.

You generally don’t want to wedge yourself into another person’s problems, but you should make an exception if the person is in danger. If the cause of their anger involves any physical or emotional abuse, then something needs to be done about it. This includes if your friend is doing something that harms them self, such as taking drugs or drinking alcohol. You need to notify some authority figure who is trained to deal with your friend’s problem, even if he/she tell you to not to. Your friend’s safety should come before their privacy in such matters because the problem can’t be solved as long as no one knows that it’s there. At first your friend will probably see this as a betrayal of his/her trust in you, and their anger may drive them away, but in the end you are doing what is best for them.

Angry people become excessively aggressive against people they perceive as threats. When you are angry, you may want to seclude yourself so as to not lash out, but this is not going to help you when working with classmates. Anger is hardwired into everybody, and it can flare up at the most inconvenient times. When you get angry and stepping back is not an option, there are ways to keep you anger in check. Let’s say that you had a class project in history, and your partner failed to do his/her share of the work over the weekend. The first thing you need to do is communicate what you are feeling. Say, “I’m in a sour mood, so I’m sorry ahead of time if I say something to offend you.” Don’t say that you are angry because of him/her, even if you are. All this will do is put him/her in a defensive state of mind. The next rule of thumb is to only talk specifics. Instead of, “You never get your work done on time,” say, “You were supposed to have finished the timeline over the weekend, and you did not. Correct?” A generalized statement like the first will be brushed off as an unfounded accusation, and it will make the conversation fall into a yelling match. A specific statement, however, must either be confirmed or denied without anything in between. Finally, do whatever you can to avoid miscommunication. When you classmate says something, repeat it back to them the way you understand it, and repeat your own ideas in more than one way as well. Know that they say what they do for the good of the project, not just to spite you. You can avoid many arguments in this manner.

With all of the harm that anger can cause, some people might want to avoid it all together. However, even if we could completely contain our anger, it would be as foolish as letting it go uncontrolled. If there was no purpose to anger, we wouldn’t experience it. The aggressiveness associated with anger can help protect us against things that would harm us, and the unpleasantness can help us know not to trust people who have let us down in the past. The problem occurs when we perceive threats that don’t exist. Ultimately, the one thing that we can do to control anger involves thinking twice before we act. Keep in mind that there are other sides to every conflict, and that no one is ever angry by choice. Maintaining this level of empathy will keep interactions with others calm and cooperative, even in the face of anger.