The Guide to Being the Manliest Man You Will Ever See! *GRUNT*
1.
The Grunt (What it is and how to use it effectively)
As you read the title, you probably saw the *GRUNT* at the end and you are possibly confused as to what it is. This means you are still not initiated into the ranks of manly men. For those of you who are familiar with this manly characteristic, please go on to the following step. The Grunt is a sound emitted by the man that is created through the use of the vocal chords and air flow in the larynx. It is similar to that of a bear sound and a pig sound, very manly animals. The best way to use the Grunt effectively is to use it when in confirmation or negation of a statement or fact. For example: When asked if you would like a pizza and beer for dinner, you go “GRUNT”. This leads to the next topic, acceptable foods for manly men.
2.
Acceptable Foods (Beer and Pizza)
To be a manly man, one must have a manly diet because, as they say, “You are what you eat” and if you eat food that are for SISSIES, then you, my friend, are a sissy. The meals that are acceptable under the manly man code are pizza and beer. It’s a late Friday night and you’re with a couple of friends, not sure what to eat? ORDER A PIZZA! Manly men don’t cook; it shows a passion for something other than sports and action movies, which is WRONG. Are you forced to go to a girly, stupid romantic dinner at your girlfriend’s favorite place? Take an ice cold beer and a pizza in a plastic taper, so whenever she orders that fancy salmon of hers, you’re covered! Pizza- n’-beer is good for the morning, afternoon and night, so you’ll never get hungry! Now, we move on to the topic of what is acceptable for men to watch on TV.
3.
Manly Programs to Watch (Sports and Action Movies)
There isn’t anything more manly to watch on TV then some good ol’ fashion sports and action movies. But not just any sports, it has to be UFC, American Football or Soccer. Anything outside of this is considered a sissy sport under the guidelines of The Guide to Being the Manliest Man You Will Ever See! *GRUNT*. This is simple enough, just watch any sport or action movie and you’re good to go.
4.
Manly Salivary Secretion (Spitting)
Another KEY factor to being a manly man is that a manly man must constantly release a good, chunky glob of saliva, immediately followed by the *Grunt*. The spit must not be contained for any reason. If you need to spit inside the house because you feel like your manliness is waning, spit inside! You manliness is more important than anything else. This is the method with which manly men recognize each other and it must be immediately followed by a manly clasp of hands.


5.
Greeting someone (Manly Handshake)
When meeting with another manly man, the greeting must eradiate and release such a manly aura that both of you feel satisfied with the manliness that you just produced. The way to do this is to do the MANLY HANDSHAKE. To do this correctly, the hand must be positioned in the correct way. The thumb must be facing upward and slightly outward and the fingers must be in a curved formation, as if ready to intertwine with another manly hand. The following video is a CLEAR example of how a manly handshake must be (No Copyright Intended):
If the previous video made you cry, it is understandable, but this is the ONLY EXCEPTION because manly men don’t cry. This video radiates so much manliness that new manly men are susceptible to tears.
6.
Emotions (Tears and Sissy Things Like That)
WARNING: MANLY MEN DON’T FEEL EMOTIONS. IF YOU FEEL LIKE YOU CANNOT COMPLY WITH THESE CONDITIONS, CLOSE THIS BOOK NOW AND GIVE IT TO SOMEONE THAT CAN AND WILL BECOME A MANLY MAN.
Manly men must not feel sadness, or cuteness, or any other meaningless emotion and tears must never be shed. If watching a sad movie and one feels like crying, PUNCH A WALL AND EMIT A *GRUNT*. The wall must and will feel the pain and sadness, not you. If water must be spared through the eyes, it is only sweat coming from the eyes and not tears. If anyone doubts you, punch a wall and perform a manly handshake with someone nearby. They will not doubt your manliness then.
7.
Intellectual activity (Books and stuff)
Books are off the table for manly men. The only exceptions on books that can be read are books to guide you to be manlier and sports magazines in which hot girls can be found in the motorcycle section. Enough said.
8.
Methods of Transportation (Motorcycles and Convertibles)
The only accepted methods of transportation are loud, big motorcycles that are black and have a “Harley Davidson” logo imprinted on the side. If not, a convertible is accepted.
This is the end of your free trial for the “The Guide to Being the Manliest Man You Will Ever See! *GRUNT*” for only 9.99$! Get it in your nearest manly store. Buy it now!