Tenth Letter to Uncle Sam

10/13/13

Dear Uncle Sam,

How do I thank thee for the Shutdown Shenanigans? Let me count the ways:

First, thank you for shutting down the world’s famousest Zoo and giving the world’s cutest Pandas some badly needed privacy. But with the Panda Cam turned off, Americans deprived of their national entertainment were forced to turn elsewhere for distraction. Congress, however, did an excellent job of stepping up to its irresponsibility and serving as substitute. Admittedly not half as cute, but definitely twice as ridiculous.

Second, thank you for closing off the word’s dumbest National Parks. You saved millions of teens from their forced fall family pilgrimage. Camping out in some remote wilderness with no cell phone, no WiFi!! Trekking miles to stare at some stupid rock or waterfall!! But thanks to you, Uncle dear, instead of “bonding with Nature” in Yosemite, as my parents had intended, I spent the weekend curled up with my laptop in the comfort of my cozy room, cell phone with unlimited everything plan in hand.

Third, thank you for getting rid of the world’s most annoying federal employee: the national Time Keeper. When the museum specialist who maintains it was sent home, the 200-year old Ohio clock in the Senate froze at 12:14 pm, Oct 9, 2013. Time stopped. And all over America, it was permanently lunchtime. Always hungry and already obese, Americans could now keep eating without feeling guilty. Yum!

Fourth, thank you for giving the world’s poorest dreamers a chance to experience the rich illogic of de American Dream. China’s state news agency, Xinhua, called for a “de-Americanized” world, saying the US government was behaving like an “irresponsible adolescent with an unlimited credit card.” But China’s government made no comment, knowing that if Americans stop buying all the stuff they don’t make, the Chinese will have to stop selling all the stuff they do make. Takers and Makers, inseparably joined at the fiscal waist – that’s the way the world’s flabby economy works.

Finally, thank you for giving the world’s worst terrorists a chance to show they’re human by expressing the uniquely human emotions of empathy and pity. Taliban militants temporarily stopped attacking American troops in Afghanistan saying they didn’t want to take unfair advantage since US politicians were already “sucking the blood of their own people.”

Thank you, Uncle Sam. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Sincerely,

--CK