It is obvious to any American that walks the streets that the nation has suffered from the Great Recession. In the midst of what many call one of the slowest economic recoveries in history, many still suffer amidst poverty, homelessness, and unemployment. Many of those who are employed work only part-time at jobs that pay barely more than minimum wage and are far below what they are qualified for; even though these people are technically not unemployed, they are “underemployed” and often make barely enough to live off of. Compounding this, the government continues to spend obscene amounts of money, frequently mismanaging the use of these funds, using inefficient methods to achieve their goals, and squandering taxpayers' money. The government's lack of economic sense has caused the national debt to balloon to $17,470,597,357,489.65 as of March 6th, 20141. Compounding this, every year the government increases the debt ceiling, or the amount of money it is allowed to borrow, meaning that this is a problem that will only get worse in the years to come. Moreover, this outstanding debt gives countries that hold large amounts of our debt whose interests may not necessarily align with our own, such as China or Russia, a certain degree of influence over the country.

Currently, no truly reasonable solution has been put forth to counter this growing problem of the large amount of money the government owes other countries, but I think it is agreed by most that this is a problem worthy of serious consideration. Therefore, I humbly suggest that we solve this issue of public debt by selling the souls of the American people to the government in order to raise revenue to decrease the national debt, as I have been informed by a very knowledgeable friend of mine from Hell, Michigan, that souls are highly sought-after items that are often worth very little to the original owner. Now, according to the current estimate that there are about 317 million Americans, than if each American gives approximately $55,000 to the government, then that should be enough to get rid of our national debt and prevent our government from owing other countries or declaring bankruptcy1. While in the past souls were considered priceless, due to the degrading sense of morality that has taken place over the past two thousand years since the high point of moral goodness which occurred during the lifetime of a little-known Jewish prophet, it is reasonable to assume that the worth of souls have depreciated to a point where one can, in fact, put a price on them. Considering the fact that many people have agreed that it is indeed worth it to sell one's soul to debt and loans in order to buy luxury items such as a new BMW, and these cars are often upwards of $60,000, then it is therefore reasonable to assume that in modern times, a soul is worth approximately $60,000, depending on the moral goodness of the person in particular and whether or not they have already sold their soul to my friend from Hell, Michigan, a veteran of the soul-collecting business. Since many experts on the subject have agreed that while the value of a soul has depreciated, it is still worth something in this day and age, and it is well-known that the government puts a high tax on anything that is worth anything, then it is only logical to assume that the government would put such a high tax on this business that not only would they be in possession of the souls of everyone in the nation, but that they would also be able to use the money received from taxing this lucrative business to pay for the national debt.

In addition, the creation of an official soul-selling business in order to raise revenue to pay the nation's debts can only have positive effects for the nation. For example, as it has been determined that a soul would be worth at least $60,000, after the government has taxed the majority of that money away in order to pay for the debt, rich and poor alike would receive thousands of dollars in return for an item that many throw away for free in pursuit of drugs, alcohol, or violence. This would improve the economy substantially, because poor people who sell their souls could use this windfall of money to get back on their feet and better themselves. Middle class people who sold themselves could make themselves more financially stable and could possibly advance themselves in their place of employment, as many corporations prefer those in high management positions to have no souls. Finally, those who are rich could use the extra money to pursue the universal American dream of one day having a pile of money that is large enough to swim in. Furthermore, if the American people sold their souls, then they could live happy, stress-free lives, free of the aspect of the soul known as one's “conscience” that often causes people to live lives of overwhelming guilt, anxiety, and depression. This feeling that one has lived an immoral life is a disease that plagues so many Americans, and for some, this terrible disease can cause some to take their own lives. Therefore, the creation of the soul-selling business would reduce the nation's number of suicides as well as the nation's amount of incarcerated criminals, because the lack of a conscience would no longer compel people to arrest those poor victims who suffer from the unfortunate illness known as “a guilty conscience”. Unfortunately, once a guilty conscience is found, it will spread, slowly encroaching upon other aspects of the victim's soul until no part is left functioning (unless, of course they endure several rounds of chemotherapy. There are currently negotiations in price to see if the stunted souls of those inflicted with “guilty consciences” will be worth anything on the market). Even more unfortunately, there are some unenlightened people who blame the victims for their diagnosis of guilty conscience and attempt to incarcerate them rather than treating them with the compassion they deserve. If nobody had a soul, then the government could not only get rid of the national debt, it could prevent anyone from ever developing this terrible disease ever again.

There are few downsides to this argument-after all, it would improve the economy, get rid of the national debt, and cause people to live blissful, guilt-free lives doing whatever their heart desires. There are a few people, however, that might protest that politicians and rich, corporate CEOs would not be able to participate in this program, by virtue of having no soul. However, since politicians and rich CEOs are by definition in most cases already extremely rich, then they would already have little to gain by participating in this public experiment, except a fulfillment of their sense of patriotism by helping better our great nation. Others may try and argue that we could increase the debt by lowering government spending, by trying to increase the ratio of our exported goods to our imported goods, increasing taxes or tariffs or, in accordance with the current solution favored by most of Congress, by mimicking an ostrich and experimenting with the idea of sticking our heads in the sand in an attempt to hide from foreign debt collectors. However, all of these other methods are completely ridiculous, have failed to work in the past, and are unlikely to work in the future.

Finally, as an addendum, I feel I must add that I put forth this proposal with the best interests of this nation at heart. I stand to gain nothing from this new business venture, as I have no soul to sell, having already pledged it to my friend from Hell, Michigan, in return for a decent grade in a certain class dealing with language and composition.