As our national debt sky-rockets, minting coinage, raising the minimum wage, and opening some borders are efficient solutions to eliminate the soaring debt cost and steer our country’s economy onto the right path.

While giving is good, going $18 trillion into debt, is not. Instead of putting its feet down, our government prefers to borrow from everyone and give to everything. However, the government lacks the means to pay for these generous gifts, or to payback their loans. What does that mean? Our economy will soon feel the consequences.

Our great country is attending the most expensive university on Earth, but sadly no job after graduation will be able to pay back the monstrous costs incurred from such a school. Maybe trade-school or military service would have been a better path? However, do not worry friend. I have used my critical thinking skills to come up with fabulous solutions to curb this problem, and lead the U.S. and its citizens down a path of economic prosperity.

Under the U.S. Constitution, the United States congress has the right to mint coinage. Why not use such powers to mint a mighty coin above all others to solve our spending problem? Easy solution here: coin an $18 trillion coin. Simply slide that puppy into the little slot on the debt machine, just like an arcade game! This fool-proof plan has the ability to instantly eliminate the debt… momentarily.
As soon as our coin lands in the machine, the debt ticker starts rolling again, and our nation is back into the red. Luckily for you, my inner economist has once again developed solutions to point our profit line into the black.

The first step to profitability, you ask? Raising the minimum wage to increase buying power, stimulate the economy, and eliminate poverty. After countless hours of research and calculations, a nationally mandated minimum wage of $100 an hour – effective immediately -  is the perfect boost over the current standards to help this nation grow. Admittedly, simulations show some negative consequences from this small increase. A few businesses would close their doors, but luckily not before each employee is able to make a few hundred dollars. With this bonus, these now unemployed individuals have increased spending power and can head to the lucky establishments that didn’t close their doors. These stores can increase prices without consequence of a loss in customers, and be able to pay their employees $100 an hour.

All fulltime workers now are making close to $200,000 a year, and can chase their own dreams! They could open their own business, hire more workers, and reduce the unemployment level to near zero. The real gem in this solution, however, is the increase in taxes! Citizens making such a great living would have to pay more in taxes which would start to directly help to reduce the debt. 

Disappointingly, 90 million Americans are already unemployed, and many would not be able to find a job due to a lack of education. For this slight problem, the simple solution is increasing unemployment benefits to $100,000 a year. While the immediate implications would cost the government even more, the long-term benefits are outstanding. Our less fortunate friends can now afford an education, get a full time job, and remove themselves from these benefits programs. Over time, there will not be a soul in this country on benefits, which would eliminate poverty and government assistance programs once used to help these people. Everyone in the U.S. will now be making at least $200,000 a year, and paying a large amount in taxes. So much so in fact, that my calculations indicate a healthy surplus.

While I am confident in my simulation model, we humans are squirrely creatures and what is projected to happen, of course, is not always correct. My model has shown a risk of many individuals just taking unemployment benefits, and not working. To eliminate this risk, we should destroy all barriers on the Mexican border and build a wall on the Canadian border. Here’s why:

Let us begin with opening the Mexican border. South American countries (and Mexico) will send millions of their own citizens to take these jobs Americans don’t want, and pay for our lazy asses to relax on our benefits while they do the labor. Free handouts are what we all deserve anyway! I project there will be enough tax revenue from these immigrants to cover the benefit costs for all U.S. citizens who do not want to work.  Therefore, we would still maintain the government spending surplus.

We should welcome all immigrants to take our jobs and pay for our benefits… all immigrants except those god-darn Canadians. Those talented bastards come down to our great country and don’t let our own citizens rise to celebrity status. Justin Bieber, Seth Rogen, Robin Thicke, Drake, and Celine Dion are just a few current celebrities from Canada enjoying the benefits of our country’s people! Build a wall, increase border control operations, and seal that northern border shut. No visas and no vacations from Satan’s spawn (formally known as Canada). It is time we let our own citizens rise into the spotlight!

Our debt is growing by billions per day and needs to be controlled. While some proposals offer no plan of action to this crisis, clearly there are many simple and effective solutions to push our government’s economic affairs from red to black. By following this simple outline, we not only eliminate our problem, but become a nation of utmost economic prosperity.

To Americans everywhere, it is time we shake our money makers once again!