It has become a worrying trend how many pastors attempt to make the leap into televised preaching and do not find success. The simple truth is that becoming a successful televangelist has never been easier. People are always trying to find the answers to life’s most fundamental questions, and just because you don’t really know those answers does not mean you are not qualified to speak as if you do. My six-part VHS packs has dozens of tips to launch you on your career, and you can buy it for the low price of two hundred dollars. Here is a sneak peek of some of the tips you’ll find in the collection.

To begin your lucrative dominion as a televangelist, you must first establish your credibility. Historically, the most common and effective method of doing this is being called by God. Just as He commanded Noah to build a boat, He commanded you to teach the world. Without this divine calling no one will know how truly dedicated you are, and the authenticity of your sermons will be questioned. This proves disastrous for an up-and-coming televangelist.

The next major step on your path to international fame is getting a spot on a major network. There are only a few networks that do the kind of televising that will make you millions of dollars, so it is imperative that you accomplish this. In fact, this may be the most difficult aspect of your climb to stardom. So, you need to make everything about your physical appearance as exaggerated as possible. You must scream at unpredictable intervals to keep your audience excited and on the edge of their seats, flail your arms at every possible moment, and stomp, slap, and elbow your way past the fires of Satan into the hearts of your congregation. Only through this overbearing persona that you will be able to find success.
Once you have joined the ranks of famous international televangelists, you can transfer that fame into something more tangible: money. Honestly, for all of the good you do for the souls of your followers, a few million dollars a year is a humble salary. To effectively withdraw the money from your human ATMs, it is most practical to adopt an idea called “seed faith.” Seed faith is the idea that donating to a church is an investment for the viewer; the money they give you is a fraction of the money they will receive from God as a reward for their faith. It is vital to your success that you never give definitive deadlines on these blessings. God works in mysterious ways (an adage you will need to recite at least three times an hour), and to ask for a specific answer to nearly any question evinces a sign of one's lack of faith that must be purified through only the most elaborate of demon-destroying rituals.

In your sermons, do not be afraid to make exaggerated claims. There exists no need for a “Works Cited” section at the end of your talk, so if you need to fib a little on the details of a story, feel free to do so. If you once convinced a midget to buy a pair of stilts and longer pants after talking with him for an hour, you are completely justified to simplify that in your speech. “I saw a midget grow two feet taller right in front of my eyes thanks to the power of prayer!” conveys the true meaning you want to get across, and that’s all that matters in the end.

Some televangelists would shy away from more controversial topics like cancer and death. Not coincidentally, these televangelists fail. Conventional wisdom might tell you that claiming to be able to cure cancer is one of the most morally horrendous things a human can do, but conventional wisdom doesn’t get you a mansion on a Miami beach. Knowledge of the pain you will inflict on hundreds of families will weigh on your conscience for a little while, but the joy you’ll get from your newly bought personal jet will relieve that guilt nearly instantly.

If you ever find yourself without a topic in a sermon, gibberish is a very valid option. Call a member from the audience and ask them what troubles them. The fact they are present at one of your speeches means they will have plenty of options to choose from - their debt, their marriage, you get the point. Tell them you will perform an exorcism on the beast inside them and spend however long you feel is necessary screaming at their chest. It may seem awkward, but if you scream loud enough everyone present will become so overcome with emotion that nothing else will seem to matter.

When it comes to scripture, it would be a ridiculous waste of time to learn more than necessary. A good rule of thumb for successful indoctrination is to memorize just five scriptures extremely well. These will be your “go-to” scriptures that you quote multiple times every sermon, so it is critical that you really know them inside and out. If you struggle with memorization, do not fret - there are some solutions available to you. My personal favorite is to write the references on the inside of your fingers. As long as you keep your hand facing away from the crowd, they will never see the writing, and it will significantly lower the pressure you will feel on stage.

Lastly, you will find that some non believers will challenge you. They are obviously too far gone to save, but they can be made a great example of the Devil’s power to your followers. Ascribe their comments to a scathing jealousy that afflicts the common man. Discrediting them will further convince the audience of your godliness, and the money will flow in.

Launching a successful career as a televangelist takes a respectable amount of patience, hardwork, and luck. Far too many have underestimated the effort that it requires to curate their brand, and they have failed tragically because of it. By purchasing my six-part VHS combo with the previous tips and many more, you too can become the next Christian sensation.