Expectations

10 years ago, When my parents had just signed me up for school, and quite before that I was a happy and joyful little girl. School was something that I was excited about and wanted to have fun with other kids. Little did I know that school wasn’t quite about that. 

10 years later, I am stuck in school, trying to fulfill my parent’s expectations. Every time my parents see any grade below an “A”, which could literally just be a “B”, they would say this isn’t good enough. What is good enough? When I am at the brink of death just to make you both happy, and just to run after a stupid letter grade. What is good enough? When my soul is dead but my body is still working, and myself just saying “I got this”. 

I have a vision that one day in Oshkosh West High school, I will be able to make my parents proud of me, When I will be able to graduate high school with honorable awards. 

I have a vision that all my siblings, even though as of right now they are very lazy and don’t care about a thing, will also be able to make my parents proud. 

I have a vision that my parents will not just look at me as though I’m a failure but be proud that they are my parents and that I am their daughter who has raised their heads high. 

I believe that I will prove my parents wrong that I don’t like education, I do indeed, but sometimes I get carried away or don’t really understand, and there are also many other struggles in my life other than school. I am learning new things and trying to process all of it. Sometimes when I’m sitting down trying to complete my work, My family wants me to sit down with them so I do, remembering that a lot of people have regretted the decision to not spend time with their family, and I know that this time will not come back. 

If I want to be a good daughter and good student I need to have balance in my life, which I don’t seem to quite figure out yet and how to apply it. There are so many distractions nowadays that I always forget what I was supposed to be doing. 

I’m drinking up the knowledge so it can benefit me some day, and that’s why my parents always tell me to do well in school because knowledge is the fuel for my future, and I admire their advice for the reason that it is never useless.  

Sometimes I ask myself before going to bed, “What did I do today that helped me or other people? Sometimes I feel like giving up but just for my parents and since it’s their dream to see me be successful, I have made it my dream. Sometimes I think “Why am I lazy”, ‘Why can’t I just do what they ask for, it’s not like they’re my enemies, they just want the best for me”. Sometimes I get so irritated with my life that I want to scream at the top of my lungs and tell everyone what my problems are, tell everyone what I’m going through. Sometimes I just want to cry and create a flood so maybe my problems could float away, and I would never find them again so I could start over and never make the same mistakes again. 

I know my parents brought me out of their home country so I could get a better education, a type of education that they didn’t have. They do everything they can to make my life easier. Yet, maybe I’m just a ruthless girl who doesn’t want to give her parents the smallest of happiness. 

I understand that this is going to create my future but please don’t think that I’ll never do it, please just don’t lose hope in me yet, if I know I can do it, have trust in me and believe in me and support me with my decisions. 

Occasionally, I think that I might not get anywhere in life, but my mom’s lectures help me understand the goodness she sees inside me, the potential she sees inside me. Occasionally, It’s hard to get through just a single day because it might’ve just started out bad so I just don’t want to deal with any more problems. Occasionally, I wish some days were just a dream, some days just didn’t happen. 

I have to learn that first comes the labor then the reward, something my mom taught me when we had to clean the basement for pizza, but she still got us pizza before we cleaned the basement. Even though she didn’t do what she said, she still taught me a great life lesson, and it really does go in that order for almost everything. Parents are your first ever guardians (after God of course), advisors, and caregivers, and all they want in return is just your success.