So yesterday, I was walking along the hallways of our beautiful school, when an amazing idea occurred to me. What if, instead of learning to educate ourselves we learned so we could pass an insane amount of tests? This plan is clearly flawless, students would love it, teachers would be ecstatic, what could go wrong? Instead of concentrating on preparing ourselves for life, starting with 3rd grade we could just take tests so we don’t get bored! The WASL about 50 times, NWEA practically weekly. What do you mean the WASL is gone?! Oh that’s okay now we can take the HSPE. I sincerely, truly love standardized testing!

One of my most favorite things to hear in class is, “Oh you don’t need to learn this.” And when we ask why the response is always, “Well it won’t be on the test this year.” This makes me feel extremely secure in my education. I’m sure that the original goals of standardized testing have not been convoluted with time at all, since if they were the faultless government, always so concerned with the education of our generation, would undeniably fix this problem promptly.

Just imagine your life can now be measured in standards. This has to be the most exciting news I’ve ever heard. What, you may ask, will happen if you don’t make the standards? Well then there is obviously something wrong with you, but that’s alright you can just take it again next year! This could be the best invention since the wheel!

Some students seem to have this thing called test anxiety. I know it’s ridiculous, just as mythical as the idea of global warming, gay people being legally married, or different races being equal. Completely absurd! But they say it exists, for some students Number 2 pencils send them into convulsions. Other students have reported cases where when taking the SAT for the fifth time, trying desperately to get a score high enough to be accepted in college, they have uncontrollable urges to scream, set things on fire, and drop out to become a Hell’s Angel. Standardized testing is an enormous benefit to everyone it affects and in no way should it be changed.

The fact is standardized testing makes students want to do amazing things like commit mass murder, bomb schools, or just kill themselves. What more could we hope for from the future of this nation? In no other way will our students ever make a name for themselves other then being on TV for committing an atrocious crime, a result of the endless anger and undying frustration caused by standardized testing. In the end we will all only make one standard, to be certifiably insane. What more could you wish for from us?