The time has come to utilize a unique ability to cleanse the population and create a more utilitarian society. In the end it would all be for “the greater good.” Now before you go screaming “Nazi Supremacist” reporter on me, will you at least peruse the following conditions of euthanizing the elderly?

The issue could all stem from the relatively simple observation that people over the age of 70 are more of a burden than they are functioning members of society. The problem doesn’t stop there either; they (the elderly crowd) not only interfere but also become a danger to themselves and everyone around them when doing simple tasks. These tasks are things we take for granted everyday something as simple as walking; just think for a minute, when do you remember walking behind an old person and not thinking, “Could you please get on with it? I have places to be.” However, as detrimental to society as slow walking is, the most dangerous offense the elderly people commit is simply getting behind the wheel of a car.

On average any driver over the age of 70 is 5 times more likely to be involved in an accident than a driver in a median and “more appropriate” age group of young to middle-aged adults. In the year 2008 alone, there were more than 5,000 elderly people killed and 183,000 injured in car accidents. This equates to 15 deaths and 500 injuries per day. These statistics only account for the elderly people, they don’t include the other drivers involved in the crash.
So again, I propose a widespread euthanization of people who are past their prime, or in layman terms: OLD.

Clearing the roads of these hazards would have the same effect of removing a falling tree on a major motorway; normal flow would resume in a safe and unimpaired manner. The accident rate would go down as a whopping 33 Million people fall into this demographic of 70+ year olds that drive, that is about 10% of the total population of the US.

Now entertain the idea of suddenly one in ten of the cars driving on the road near you just disappeared; that would be the affect of removing these liabilities from the road system.
We currently have laws (at least here in Arizona) in place that require anyone over the age of 60 to come in every five years to renew their license but that simply isn’t enough. When the person becomes the rotten old age of 70, the family is required by law to bring in their beloved, soon-to-be-deceased, family member to a sort of clinic for their “Physician Assisted Homicide.” Here the practitioner will have the sole job of giving the felon a lethal does of 3,4-methylenedioxy-N-methylamphetamine also known as “MDMA” or “Molly.”

On a less macabre note, at least the criminal died in ecstasy.

Just remember that doing something like this all we have to remember is that we are doing it for the longevity of the human race. Not to take a line from Hot Fuzz or anything but “It’s for the greater good, <crowd echoes> the greater good.” On a side note, eliminating the elderly population would also take a significant chunk out of the terrible (and worsening) debt situation the US is currently in. Just think; no old people equates to no social security or Medicaid or Medicare or Veteran Stipends to pay. This means no more money (that the government doesn’t have) given to people who will ultimately spend it on medications to live beyond their predetermined lifespan, which initiates a cycle requiring increasingly more medication. To recap, killing the old people is good for everyone.

My editors thought I should at least include one brief reprieve from the great proposal above, so I racked my brain for a less macabre and more impractical solution. After much mental deliberation, I thought of one more method that we can use to rid the streets of this posthumous menace: send them somewhere they can’t possibly do any harm to proper members of society. Why not the moon?