A couple weeks ago Mom told me the news.

     It was the day that Mom told me you had cancer.

     I wasn’t fazed by the news.

     Looking back, I feel bad for not crying when I learned that you could die.

     I never received much attention as a child, 

     being the older sister of a special needs child,

     and now I hate being the center of attention.

     I fear what people think of me - what I say and do.

     Maybe that's why I don’t act the way I want to or the way I should.

     I remember I didn’t cry at Grandpa’s funeral.

     I  kept my tears hidden because I wanted to look strong in front of my older cousins 

     who never showed any emotion.

     Even at only eight-years-old, I cared too much about other people's thoughts.

     I’ve heard the cliché myth that when we see a cardinal it is a lost loved one visiting us.

     Now when I see a cardinal I think of Grandpa, Ryan and you.

     Am I going to see you in the form of a bright red bird when I look out the window?

     Are you going to join them?

           - Love, Ara Ratchford