There are four things that I can't help but think of when I hear someone mention your name. A flame ignites in my chest, the kind of flame that destroys like a wildfire. But I can’t escape.  My happiness falls victim to the flame at the thought of you, and for some strange reason I still can’t find the courage to tell you what I wish I could say.

1.

You’re a coward, you always have been and always will be. You expect all life's problems to just fix themselves but in the end you have nothing to show for it. I can only hope that your life plans didn’t always consist of being a 40 year old man, divorced, with two kids who never want to see you anymore. I don’t agree with most of the things you do but I don't say anything because I figure you won't be alive as long as I will and for now I will just keep my mouth shut.

2.

I can't help but notice that your priorities are all over the place. You escape reality through drugs even though you see how it hurts your family. It could be worse, at least you aren't an alcoholic...It sounds silly when you aren't the one saying it, doesn't it? You say that drugs are only thing that helps you with your anxiety and depression but you don’t realize the anxiety and depression you give me. Forgive me for being selfish by telling you to stop.

3.

Money has always been an issue for you. You have never known how to save it and you have never been one to plan. That’s probably why you’ve never had a home for yourself. I guess you can say the rotting floorboards of your mother’s house where you lived most your life aren’t the only thing that's falling apart. It really shouldn't have been such a surprise when mom asked you for money since you weren't helping raise us anymore; that became the only reason you would contact me. “Your mom is trying to take me to court for child support, so you guys are going to have to come stay with me now because I can’t afford to pay that.”  It’s funny how you want to see us now so you will still have money for drugs, isn't it?

4.

You keep bringing up the fact that I am growing up too fast, “You know Cate, it won’t be long before you go to college, you should really come see me more.” Yeah dad, you're right... I am growing up fast, but when did it become my job to be the adult instead of yours? You want to see me so it looks like you’re making an effort to be a father to the courts, but in reality we all know you would rather not have the responsibility.

I am weak, I guess you can say I get that from you. The real problem here isn't the fact that I don’t have the courage to tell you this, it’s the fact that I would ruin you if I did. The few times you do guilt trip me into coming to visit you, the flame in my chest fuels so much anger inside of me. I sit in agony pretending to be okay but I still can’t say anything to you because I know how pathetic your life really is. I let you continue to live under the illusion that you fall victim to, that you aren’t a sad excuse for a father.