It’s 2:40 am. I lay here awake, wondering what I’m doing with my life. I’m writing. Why? Is it to escape? Escape what? My mind? My thoughts? The thoughts. Death. Pain. Loneliness. Loneliness. What even is the definition? I’m in two separate video calls with two separate people on two separate sides of the country. In less then 5 seconds I can have a third on the other side of the world. Loneliness. The inability to fit in; to join a community. A community. An app organizes all of mine. Some I’ve created. Some I’ve joined. None I’m a part of. A guild of hackers. A fort of warriors. A brotherhood of scouts. A decorated eagle. A mentor. A leader. A role model. A disgrace. Loneliness embraces your weakness. Make it a strength. Your only strength is to be weak. Numbing truths. Attempting to numb the truth. Music to drown out the cries. Shows and movies to blind myself from the big picture. Games to escape reality. To hide from the loneliness. Games. An escape. I can be who I want. To embrace my inner calling. A sniper. A chief. And adventurer. Wanderer. The lone wanderer. Loneliness. A choice. To help or to hurt. Myself. I’ve tried both. Neither have reliable results. What have I resulted in? A failure. I have to do something. I’ve tried to do something. To be helped. In an office with a train. Twice in 30 minutes. Trains. A fast escape. They always tend to call for me when they are near. Do they call for others? One better then I. To bring them to safety. Far far away? To hogwarts? Narnia? Britainia. The setting of all great books. Books. Read. To get smarter. So you can become an engineer. Just like your cousin. Your uncle. Your future. To be and engineer. To fuel the engines. And drive the train. Carrying everyone else to the lands of their dreams. And to get money. Put coal in the train to put coal in your hearth. To be successful. With a family. Success. You beat the game. Final boss. Is it me or you? Who are we. We are alone. A failure. A cry. For help. Treat others how you want to be treated. Trust. Trust your friends. It is easy when you are alone. Loneliness. Where’s my train? My railroad? My path? My crossroad? To go left, death. I am a lefty after all. To go right, take a risk. They never go right in the movies. To go forwards is to suffer on the inside. But smile on the outside. Laugh. Live. Robert Williams moves forward, now he’s downwards. To go back? To fail? No, I still need to run. All my life I’ve ran. Why stop now? It’s fingers grab my shirt. I’m stuck at my crossroad. Alone. I’m my own demon. To be alone is to be at peace. Alone. Connected to 7 billion users. Alone but only a keystroke away. Friends. To trust a life with. To have never seen. Men I’ve served with and under. At the age of 12. A creed. A republic. Of gamers. When I’m not busy. Building a resumé. To get good grades. To succeed. To play sports. To become known. To not be alone. To run across the country with friends and be picked up by mom at 5. To succeed. To fail. To miss my shot. And to be shot down. To look up and see your friends fly high. Birds never truly see what they leave behind. Who they leave behind. What does it mean? I'm not sad, but I'm not exactly happy either. I can laugh, joke, and smile throughout the day but sometimes when I'm alone I forget how to feel. To be alone. Loneliness. I cut my ties. So others don’t have to. I embraced my weakness and became weak. But to never let it show It was my strength. People who don’t know me call me outgoing. People who do know me, don’t. Why do I wear so many pink shirts? Because they’re not pink. They’re salmon. And I like fish. So close yet so far. A personal motto? Trick the enemy. To trick the enemy you need to be the enemy. To be the enemy. To trick ones self. To fit in. But never hang out. A failure in society. To be alone. To stop. To breath. To sleep.eternal sleep. A blissful blessing. For later. Its 3:40 am