I am restless.

I guess teenage rebellion finally found its way in. Finally grappled the walls of numbness and conformity. Fought back the anxieties and fear of disappointing. Chewed through the ropes of self restraint and brushed away the soil that I buried my ambitions in. It's finally made eye contact with me and said “Go. You need to go.”

I am restless.

I try to free myself from my mind but every door seems to lead to another room. The hallways twist and writhe, never letting me quite escape their grip. My thoughts run alongside me. Some hold my hand and pull, yearning to escape with me. Some pull at my legs and hold me back, gnashing their teeth and crooning that these crevices are the only place that I would ever have any significance. I glimpse the light of something outside my mind but I can’t reach it. With every agonizing step I take, the light grows dimmer, creeping away from me, unsure if it wants me there yet.

I am restless.

I feel like a caged animal in my own body. I fidget beneath my skin, feeling that it doesn’t fit quite right. There’s a voice in my head telling me that I must escape it somehow. But I can’t manage to shed my skin, so I pin it down with too much clothing so it doesn’t feel as loose. I fear my bones will one day rebel and slip past my defenses, escape my feeble vessel and clatter into the sun.

I am restless.

I used to hate summer but now warm days taste like potential for freedom. Even when I stay locked in my room, the air outside is beautiful to behold. The sun calls to me, inviting me to feel warmth on my skin, an encasing so delicate and pale that it may very well shatter from the touch of a cloud, and yet it yearns for the caress of the sky. The moon calls even louder, beckoning to me with her silver fingers, asking me to dance in her gentle glow in a field that doesn’t belong to me. She tells me to journey somewhere with her. She won’t tell me where, but simply says that she will lead me somewhere better than here. Her sweet voice makes me believe that she could lead me into hell and it would still feel safer than the walls I am between.

I am restless.

Each day these walls seem closer and crueler. They snarl at me in the night, licking their lips, waiting for the day they finally swallow me whole. They twist the moons light into shadows that reach for me. They beckon me just as the sky does, but they welcome me to descend into chaos and self destruction. They tell me to invite in the demons they hid in my closet, let them permeate my skin and replace my blood.

I am restless.

Thousands of invisible chains restrain me, burying into my skin and suffocating me. I can’t shake them off, I’m too weak. So for now I’ll do my best to keep running with my vessel of skin until the rest of me can catch up. I will chase the sun on bike until I come to the ocean, who greets me with thousands of fingers grabbing at the sand. The ocean’s mother, the moon, my old friend, joins us in the night, together with her other children, the thousand glittering beads spilled on the velvet of the night sky. I have a moment of peace. My chains glow in the moonlight and seem almost beautiful for a second, appear so much more delicate in the gentle illumination. Maybe if I can learn to love them, they will fall away. Maybe someday I will be able to rest.