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the truth to anxiety: in 10 parts
i.
i’m 10 and i’m looking out the window
of my childhood home and all i see
is the grass stained yellow and orange
and dead green and dusty browns
i see people outside playing some
mutated form of kickball but all i can
see is other kids outside, having
the time in summer for fun and not for
worrying over myself too much and
over others too little
ii.
it’s almost midnight and it’s the latest
i’ve seen the clock out when it’s just
by myself, and my thoughts don’t make
sense because i can’t stop thinking
and it’s all a train of thought and it doesn’t
make sense and it’s all just going at once
and i can’t make it stop
and it’s been this way since i turned who knows
long since i never remember really being normal
iii.
my heart is racing as i think of all the things
that could go wrong in all sorts of different
orders from chronological to best to worst
to worst to best to short term to long term
to long term to short term and it’s always the
same thoughts over and over and over
in a line that isn’t quite a line but isn’t
quite a circle and sweat is on my palms
on my neck and on my forehead
behind my ears on my heart in my lungs
in my brain and all i can do is recall numbers
and sequences and how things that can go
wrong will go wrong
like now
iv.
i’ve not slept because as soon as i sleep
the sweat becomes a part of me and my lungs
and i cannot breathe anything except my
own air trapped in a bubble as i think about
what all i am breathing and how energy cant
be destroyed nor created so what is happening
to the energy i felt before tonight what process
did it transfer to is it now the nitrogen oxygen
carbon dioxide argon methane neon helium
that makes up air or is air even what’s in my
lungs because i feel only the constriction of
myself
v.
i’ve gotten a diagnosis and a prognosis and a
everythingnosis and it still feels like everything
is collapsing even with the medicines i was put on
they say it’s called anxiety or generalized anxiety
disorder and i wonder if it will go away with time
or if i can put salt in the wound or what other
home remedies can cure it or if i’ll be living off of
some medicine i can hardly remember to take
did i take it today or yesterday did i take it tomorrow
vi.
what is normal if normal could have a definition
can something abnormal be normal or is it
forever doomed to be abnormal for the rest of their
life will my hands ever feel like they ever belonged
to me and will my head ever feel attached to my
neck and will my brain feel like an organ that is
functional and not made to just shoot electric impulses
that make my chest lock up and my breaths
sieze and my body sweat and my eyes shut down
and my hearing sound like im underwater
will i ever stop drowning
vii.
i’m letting life take its course with me because i know
if i try to fight the current i’ll drown anyways and
if i go down fighting i may as well die out of
embarrassment as well so i'll just go out with knives
in the fronts of everyone trying to grab my hand
so i can let go of any last hands remaining
viii.
the truth about anxiety if truth could exist
is that anxiety has no truth because truth implies
there is a fact and the only fact about anxiety
that i can think of is that it’s overly stigmatized
and the stigma makes already drowning people
get caught further in the currents when we should
be helping them breathe even if that means giving
space or giving less space
ix.
sometimes i still feel like im drowning even though
i have hands everywhere ready to help me and
i still cannot fight the currents and i get caught
in every pothole and hole and ridge and i
stumble on every step down and up and left
and right and i still can’t think half the time but it’s
better than not thinking at all and i’m learning to heal
but you can’t fix what wasn’t broken in the first place
x.
i wonder how i’ve grown from drowning to stumbling
and it doesn’t sound like much of an improvement
but i see it as going from crutches and a cast to
just needing a cast or maybe just needing a helping
hand every now and then and then i think about
everyone whos gone from needing a crutch and a
cast to needing a crutch and a cast and a wheelchair
and i think we need to congratulate those people as
well because despite it all they’re still living and
we should appreciate everyone for trying or even
just being because sometimes trying isn’t enough
for your heart to not feel like it’ll seize in five
minutes or less.
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Anxiety is always romanticized or stigmatized.