I miss the mother you never were.

I miss the sound of your voice even if you only used it to remind me I'm your biggest disgrace.

I miss the nights where I waited until you drifted off to sleep because it was the only way I could sneak myself into your arms without you pushing and kicking me onto the cold concrete floor.

I miss using the crosswalk as an excuse to hold your hand even if it was only for a quarter of a second before you shooed me off.

I was just a five-year-old girl who didn't know if God existed or not but still asking him to keep you safe when you left me laying on a cardboard box in an alley as you snuck off in the middle of the night with your friends,

see I wouldn't go to sleep until I knew you made it back to me safe.

I remember scrambling through garbage can after garbage cans just to find a half-eaten apple,

knowing it was the only meal I would have in weeks and still giving you it believing in even the possibility that you could love me.

Here I am 11 years later in a new house with a new adoptive family,

and even now knowing everything I know I would still trade this life to have the life with you back because even with the designer clothes and expensive shoes,

I still need the love of my mother.

mom, I hate you because even though I was the last thought on your head,

you continue to be my first.

when I wake up you're the first thing on my mind,

I wonder if you're okay or overdosed in the same alley where I got separated from you.

 Before I take a bite of my meal I ask God to have mercy on you and bless you wherever you are.

At night when I turn out the lights, I look out at the stars and speak through them hoping you hear me.

See mom, even when you gave me up I would still choose you.