a phone call from an unfamiliar number
is a nightmare in and of itself. this one
will be from his sister, probably, calling
to give us another problem. i would've been
having a peaceful day before the call, and then:
ruined. magical.

and then maybe an airplane ride,
my brother and my mother holding my hands.
and then a journey through the province
with all its long grassy plots. what the hell.
i'd been here before, long ago.
maybe i'll unlock some latent memory,
or maybe nothing ever happened here that mattered.

and then all of us wearing black,
my mother in a fabulous outfit,
me nebulous as ever. maybe i'll cry, or scream,
or something else just as appropriate
for someone with a father in a coffin
maybe i'll find somewhere in me another
store of grief for the man i'd spent years
already grieving. i contain multitudes, after all.
that's what everyone tells me.

this is a nightmare, not a dream. don't be fooled.
still, though: i have the playlist prepared,
which i understand is suspicious. please be reminded
that he was gone before my life even started.
nothing ever happened here that mattered.