In 2020

4 things

Of varying importance

Happened

1st

My grandmother died
Every time I say that

Someone

Without fail

Always asks

Well, did she have any underlying conditions

Not

Are you okay?

Or

Oh my god, I’m so sorry

Just

Right to the point

Yes

She did have underlying conditions

But

Does that really matter

Does that really do anything

To change the fact that my grandmother

One of my favorite people

Is dead

Dead

So, yes

She did have underlying conditions

A lot

Of underlying conditions

But does it really matter

Because

If she hadn’t gotten Covid
And she hadn’t gone into the hospital

She would still be

Alive

Not dead

So

Are you happy that you asked that

Are you proud of yourself

Are you satisfied that you

Questioned the weight 

The validity

Of someone’s death

Someone’s life

Just to make some

Stupid

F*cking

Point

About Covid not being real

Well

Guess what

Covid is real

It’s real no matter how thick

Your empty skull is

And if you want proof

Go find my grandmother’s grave

2nd

I gained 20 pounds

Yes

You heard that right

I gained the quarantine 15 

And then some

I could lie

And say

Oh, it was the grief

Of my grandmother dying

I just was too scared to leave the house because of Covid

I couldn’t exercise because I couldn’t face the world

But it wasn’t

I just loved food

And hated exercise

Yeah

That’s it

Just your basic

Eating disorder

I baked all the time

Cookies

Cakes

Lemon bars

I loved all of it

I gorged on it

I never left the house

I gained the weight

And I hated myself

I didn’t take 

One

Picture of myself

For over a year

I refused to pose for family pictures

My skin felt tight

I was too big

I was too heavy

Too full

Too much

I felt sick

I was sick

I hated all of it

All of me

I wanted to die

I wanted

To

Die

I hurt myself

A lot

 Mentally

And

Physically

I abused my body

I abused my mind

I treated my legs like punching bags

I hated how every part of my body felt

I couldn’t sleep anymore

Because everytime

I closed my eyes

I imagined myself

Slitting my wrists

And bleeding out

I saw myself stealing a car

And driving it over a cliff

I saw myself

Shoving my face into a pillow

Suffocating myself

I scared the sh*t out of

Myself

With those images

It scared me

But

It made me want

To do it

More

3rd

I got glasses

Yay

I was able to see again

And boy did I hate that

I got home

Put on my new glasses

And I looked at myself in the mirror

And

I wanted to punch my reflection

Maybe being blind was a lot better

Maybe it was better when I couldn’t see

All of my pores

And pimples

And stray hairs

God

I was ugly

How could I never realize

How ugly I was

My face was too wide

I had a double

No

A triple chin

I hated all of it

I had to take my glasses off

Before I started crying

I looked at myself and I wanted to change

All of it

I wanted all of it

Gone

A clean slate

A fresh canvas

Something I could stand

Looking at

4th

I lost 50 pounds

50

Pounds

I bet you don’t know how to react to that

No one does

Should you applaud me

Say

Wow

You look amazing

You’re so skinny

What’s your secret

My secret

My secret to draining my body

My secret to watching myself deflate

Like some sad

Depressed

Balloon

My secret

To making my siblings worry about me

Every time they saw me

Weight loss is always good

Right

When you see someone’s lost weight

You say

Oh my God

You look wonderful

How did you do it

You never mention

The bags under their eyes

The loose skin under their arms

The tiredness of their face

Their shaky hands

No

Don’t say anything negative

Weight loss is good

Right

Weight loss is

Healthy

Happy

Progress

Good

No one ever wants

To call weight loss

What it is

Loss

I lost a part of myself

I thought

If I lost the weight

I would feel better

I would feel

Fresh

New

I didn’t

Every pound lost

I saw another part I wanted

To fix

I wanted my wrists to be thinner

My *ss to be less saggy

My thighs to be firmer

My cheeks to be more hollowed

I was

Never

Satisfied

I was 

Addicted

For all of these things

I want to apologize

To

My mom and dad

To my siblings

I’m sorry

For making you worry

For making you upset

For hurting you

My heart hurts for you

I hurt for you

And I hurt for 

Every

Person

In this room

In this town

In this world

That has ever

Gone through anything

Like what I

Have gone

Through

I want to apologize

On behalf of the idiots

The ignorant ones

And those who

Just

Don’t

Understand

I understand

I understand you

And

I hear you

And

I see you

Through my new

2020 vision