Would I rather fade away and savor the sweet sting of starving,

Or would I rather pudge up and relish the addicting agony of overeating? 

I must pick my hard, 

Because, for me, it is one or the other. 

It is euphoric to shut off my brain, 

And eat until I am bursting at the seams, 

And whisper, “screw it all” under my breath. 

But at the same time,

It's hard to resist the temptation of fasting for a little longer, 

Looking at anorexics to envision the ultimate goal, 

And find a purpose to wake my mind from its slumber. 

Usually, I either care with all the glistening desire in the world,

Or I peacefully can not give less of a damn if tried. 

Now, I am in a purgatory between the two, 

Finding no joy in caring too much or too little. 

My actions have not changed, 

And from the outside, the dichotomy of a yo-yo diet is still in full swing, 

But mentally, the high is gone. 

I am searching, 

Overeating to make myself feel blissfully empty, 

And starving to feel emotionally fulfilled, 

But I have built up a tolerance to this drug, 

And the euphoria has become unattainable.  

Now I realize I am trapped in a maze with no exit. 

I found pleasure in plotting my escape to happiness, 

But now I find no reason for such pursuit. 

I want to knock the walls down, 

And be in a vacant room, eating when hungry and enjoying my existence,

I want to stop chasing highs like I am scaling Mount Everest,

But to stroll over the hills of contentment. 

I have become a piece of machinery,

With a code for misery automatically turning my gears. 

I peer into my self-inflicted maze from above, 

And watch as I walk in endless loops around, around, and around.